Schizophrenic Conversations

To differenciate "maddladd" from "christopher" i composed this piece.  The idea of there being 2 people inside that had 2 different purposes intrigued me.  Christopher is the caring, loving sensative guy, while Maddladd is the angry {don't take shit from anybody} type of guy who can take anything u throw at him, and throw it back twice as hard and make it hurt twice as bad.  In this piece, Maddladd and Christopher have an open, honest heart to heart.  This piece is about 5 years old, but still captures the moment and wonder from me everytime i read it.  I did 2 rounds of Maddladd v. Christopher, for sure, the first one is always better, but i will post both of them here, and u can decide for yourself.

i present to u

SCHIZOPHRENIC CONVERSATIONS "MADDLADD V. CHRISTOPHER" ROUND 1

(christopher): man, y u always gotta keep me reliving the past?

(maddladd): cos sometimes i gotta remind your ass, that life ain't all peaches and cream, there's some serious shit u gotta deal with in between, and them lyrics u write, man u gotta be on some other shit,
cos those feeling u convey wouldn't work on the mothership, and u ain't gotta try to get these people to like u, they aren't like u, they won't Really like u...

(christopher): u say that, but some people are kind..

(maddladd): everyone's lookin for somethin maybe u're just 2 blind, to see what's in front of your face, u keep pacin, i keep your blood racin, and there ain't no erasin, the past, i'll take u back to a time when u were 10, left all alone, violated again and again, no one was there for u, how can they be now?

(christopher): if u would only slow down then u could see how, but u're too pre occupied with ruinin the inside, got me walkin on a thin line, and sometimes goin out of my mind, i thought i knew who i was then u came to the front, so how the fuck u gonna tell me what i want?!

(maddladd): what u want, maybe what u need, u brought me 2 the front, i needed 2 breathe, i say what's really on your mind, i don't hide it, don't try to fight it, not everybody's gonna like it, but i'm the truth, you're just a vision of what u could be, i'm what u should be...

(christopher): stop tryin to push me, don't play me like i'm a pussy, so what my lyrics are mushy, i think we all have a softer side, a gentle side, u treat it like a genocide..

(maddladd): a genocide, it's more like a suicide, u put your heart before your head and get it chopped off everytime, u say how u feel, they watch u drop like a stone, they break u down, and I feel it 2 the bone, if they could clone u, i'd be able 2 say this 2 your face, ball up a fist, and put u in2 place..

(christopher): u have a lot 2 say, sometimes u help me out, sometimes i need u just not 2 come out, sometimes i need 2 put myself out there and accept failure, not act cocky and cuss like a sailor, not be brash and hurt feelings unwarranted, uncalled for, why do u do that for?

(maddladd): u tried church, but god forsaked u, i accepted u, and tried 2 be kind 2 u, but u turned away, said u could do it yourself, but christopher, u're bad 4 your own health, u can't see that they're all laughing at u, they're all having the last laugh, every time u come and cry about the past, everytime u think somebody likes u, u just don't see the truth, but trust me.. i do..

(christopher): not everyone is that way, that can't be right, i just try 2 heal, and help somebody with the words i write, how can u say that i'm the butt of their jokes, u have to be wrong, maddladd!

(maddladd): i don't think so, i mean, look at the drama u surround yourself with, it's like u have a freakin death wish, u write words of love, honor,respect and 4ever, but when people get 2 know u, it's all about 4 never, and however u percieve them, is not how they percieve u, they don't like u, they don't want u, and most of all, they don't believe u! u're so transparent, even they can see thru, nobody gives to fucks about the real u, that's why i'm here, to conceal u.

(christopher): i hear u, and on some levels i feel u, but there's so many things i need 2 get out, but u keep coming back and freaking my head out, and u bring jealousy, confusion and make me second guess any and everyone, that ain't no fun, can't u just let me be me for 1ce?

(maddladd): if i let u be u, we'd both be miserable and cryin, cos your heart would always be broke, u'd always be alone, and not even tryin, u have some nice things in your heart, and your mind i know what u think about, but u live because i am the one who ain't afraid 2 bring em out, that shit u sing about?, it's only songs, nobody lives out those lyrics, and your voice.. Nobody wants 2 fuckin hear it.. and those thoughts u have of someone loving u for yourself? give it up, that's bad for your health, cos nobody wants u, nobody wants 2, and i know it's the alone that haunts u, so i'm here, u're best friend.. but sometimes u infuriate me, why do u hate me? aren't u the 1 who created me?!

(christopher): damn, i guess you're right, i did create u..and no, i don't hate u, but we need some cooperation. and stop coming on the board for these schizophrenic conversations...

ROUND 2:

(maddladd): now u've pissed me off, u cut me off, i wasn't done with u, why u gotta silence me?

(christopher): i silenced u because u were tearing my down in front of everyone, verbal violence, in essence a beat down, a public flogging, if u will and i needed to get away, time 2 process, time 2 think, time 2 see if u said the truth, and i do see a lot of christopher in u,...

(maddladd): u in me? now come on, chris, get your head out your ass, u ain't on my level son, it's like u would make love, but without me u couldn't come, because u would be on some.. the girl's gonna get pleased, and i'm like yeah, but in turn, she's gonna please me, every touch she feels, it's a 2 on 1, or is it a 2 in 1, it's all good, it's all fun, but u're not in touch with reality, your reality, is nothing but a falicy..

(christopher): it's not a falicy, in fact, u're madd and it's out of jealousy, u're hateful, and mean because u can't be like me, and it's no likely that u'll ever out write me, u wanna come 2 blows, u wanna fight me, well step in2 the ring, i'll put u down nightly, politely, i'm sayin, u don't really know me, but now u all up in here like u wanna show me, how 2 be u, how 2 be real, if being u is being real, i'd rather be pretend, cos then at least i'd have a friend...

(maddladd): ah, now u comin to my side, and u ain't never had a friend like me, u know it's true u can't deny it, so why the fuck u wanna take me on and fight it? let me out, let me get u 2 the heart of the matter? instead of u always being down and people wondering what's the matter.. u got issues man, more issues than sports illustrated, it's already been over stated, and personally christoper.. i think u're overrated..

(christopher): overrated? what is that supposed 2 mean?

(maddladd): well, did u see the word genius that have been posted since we last met? they wouldn't call u that if they knew who u really were and that's a bet, they would all shit on u, like the others have and the others will, ain't no body up in this motherfucker give a damn about how u feel,
so take that information and do with it what u will, but i'm the only motherfucker u know who tries 2 keep u real..

(christopher): keep me real? come on madd, u ain't right..i mean, didn't u read all the posts about us last night? yeah the word genius was thrown around, i said myself i wasn't worthy, and why are u so sure that all these people wanna do me dirty? and how are u a friend to me? u seem more like an enemy?

(maddladd): cos u live in denial, like chappaquiddik and a kennedy, like oj, nicole and ron goldman, it's not your fault, maybe it's just an omen, maybe u're supposes 2 be that way so i can surface, or maybe u secretly like me, and u call me up on purpose, maybe your reality sux as much as i've told u it does, and maybe u need me 2 do something positive 4 us,

(christopher): ok, so if what u're saying is true, why would i wanna expose others 2 u? u don't give a damn about feelings and who u hurt long as it ain't u! and how can i find a positive picture that i can paint u, but thank u, 4 having my back 4 so long, u HAVE helped me thru some times that were so wrong, and in some ways u've made me so strong, but u never know when 2 say so long, and stop always tryin to dis me 4 my slow songs, i'm a hopeless romantic that's true, bu...

(maddladd): shhh.. u hear that? that's all these people laughing at u, but not me, i'm starting 2 understand u a bit, and no matter if we like it or not, we got 2 put up with each other's shit, but i'll protect u from yourself u know u need me here 2 put it in perspective, cos u put yourself out there and set yourself up with rejection, and i take rejection and turn it in2 something creative.. I'm Your Conscience, Christopher.. why do u hate it?

(christopher): maybe hate was a strong word, but here lately i've been using all the wrong words, i get in a box and the walls close in, i put my trust in others that i call friend, i put it all out there, that's just how i do, and yeah, i admit, sometimes i really need u, but other times all i need is u 2 let me mind my own, sometimes i just gotta do this thing alone..

(maddladd): your own, is my own, and alone u ain't so good, u start thinkin things that ain't so good, u start dreamin bout who loves u and what u got, u need me 2 tell u who does, and who loves u NOT! u see i've been there.. i was there when u turned 10, but u pushed me aside and look what u learned then, that people can't be trusted, they'll only hurt u, get what they want from u, then desert u, and that's how people do u, they eat until they're stuffed, then put u out 2 pasture, now look at what u got. a whole lotta nothing, and u feel worse than u first did, besides when u signed up on the board look what name u posted.. Maddladd.. u wanted me 2 be here.. so why is it now, u tellin me 2 leave here?

(christopher): i don't want u 2 go, just hang out on the low, and if u see somebody gamin me, let me know, and if i need to just get away, help me go, and if u see me being self destructive, tell me NO, tell me when to shut the fuck up, and when to flow. so now we agree that we need to co-exist, so madd, just try to stop acting so pissed, and no more closed fists,
let's get along, and see if we can find a common ground between us,
and maybe we can really grasp the reality of genius,

(maddladd): i'll give it a shot, if u promise i can spout off sometimes, maybe just say what i say in 1 line, and if i see u gettin down again, i'm gonna have to surround u, and maybe we won't have to continue schizophrenic converstaions in the next round after 2....