Tuesday, February 28, 2012


(backstory): i write so many lyrics that sometimes i have been known to write things where i've heard a female singing. this is one of those songs. when i wrote it .. the lead, background, music and all were completely done, i felt like i was typing down the lyrics to an already finished product.  haven't found the female to sing it.. but it's one of the oldest pieces (93 or 94) and one of the few that when i pick up 2day i can still hear it..

my stockings

i see u sizin' me up, guess u like what u see,
started with my eyes, then at my legs & my feet,
i take it u like that seam runnin' up the back o my thigh,
u say it looks like a new road that u wanna give a try,
lemme tell ya.. what i got is garanteed to make u cry,

i see u're lookin' at my stockings, (can't get yo head up)
they got your heart stopping, when ever u pick me up,
baby, my stockings, go up all the way,
u'll need all day if u wanna come and play,
with my stockings,

there's somethin' bout the way u stare,
when i kick off my heels,
u break out in sweat, and the wetness in your lips can't be concealed,
guess that's why u always walk a couple steps behind,
cuz what i got in these stocking, u just can't get off o' your mind,

i see u're lookin' at my stockings, (can't get yo head up)
they got your heart stopping, when ever u pick me up,
baby, my stockings, go up all the way,
u'll need all day if u wanna come and play,
with my stockings,

"go head & take off my shoes,
getcho self a closer look,
cuz when i got 4 u, can't find in one of them books,
u can touch em if u wanna, full-fill that appetite,
or u can put em in ur mouth,
if u're thinkin that u wanna bite,

i see u're lookin' at my stockings, (can't get yo head up)
they got your heart stopping, when ever u pick me up,
baby, my stockings, go up all the way,
u'll need all day if u wanna come and play,
with my stockings,

sex machine

Don't know what 2 do about this female,
Textin' nasty pictures 2 my email,
leavin' dirty voice mail on my cellular phone,
And her favorite time is any time we play hide the bone,

not 'fraid 2 moan,
baby likes 2 scream,
she likes what i like,
she must be a sex machine,

wonder if she gets it from her momma,
is there another woman that gets down like she do,
way she do it, presidential like obama,
got me chasin' er round just like a fool,

when she takes me home,
and we get it on,
she makes me scream,
baby's got 2 be a sex machine,

we do it every way, everyday and every night,
and still she wants more,
baby's got an appetite,
sometimes it feels like we're makin' a fight,
but unlike the other girls,
she's the only one that does it right,

not afraid 2 moan,
not afraid 2 scream,
she likes what i like,
she's got 2 be a sex machine,
when she takes me home,
and we get it on,
she makes ME scream,
baby's got 2 be a sex machine,

baby's got 2 be a sex machine..


transparent, naked in a crowded room,
my hands bound 2 a chair by the grip of your,
suntan stockings,

my hardness will not be contained,
nor will my excitement be denied,
as the crowds mingle aimlessly about,
i beg 4 u, i plead 4 u,
i scream 4 u, i long 4 u,
i need u...i WANT u,

Hummiliate me if u must in font of everyone,
slap me in the face if u will,
kiss me with an open mouth,
while u handle me with closed fist,

my erection will most surely self destruct,
if u make me wait any longer,
it's been said u cannot rape the willing,
but 2night u could try,

would u have your way with me?
make me your lil nymph?
your personal whore,

4 u i'd drink only of ur sweat,
i'd dine only on ur lips,
4 just 1 of ur fingers 2 touch me,
i beg of u,

take me,
please me,
make me,
rape me..

Till the Flavor is Gone

"i'll keep on licking till the flavor is gone..."

Let's start by turnin' these lights down,
An' gettin u outta those clothes like right now,
i wanna get u started baby,
where we stop, nobody has 2 know,

Been wanting u so bad i can taste ya,
had u right on the tip'o'my tongue,
Girl u know u're my favorite flavor,
"I'll keep on licking till the flavor is gone"

First thing's first,
Go on & wrap ur pretty lil legs around my neck a while,
in a couple of precious minutes, girl,
i know i'm gonna make u smile,

Climb on top o me,
ride me like u can't get enough,
climb on top o me,
don't hold nothin' back,
i know u like it rough,

what i like about ur body on my mouth,
is that i can drink, every single drop of u,
my body on your mouth,
u do it so good.. i never want u 2 stop,

it's okay 2 be greedy,
once u've come, if u wanna come again, (I'll keep on licking)
Climb on up here,honey,
I'll do it so good... I'll keep on licking till the flavor is gone,

Climb on top o me,
ride me like u can't get enough,
climb on top o me,
don't hold nothin' back,
i know u like it rough,

i'll keep on licking,
i'll keep on licking,
i'll keep on licking till the flavor is gone..

Ha Da De Da Da

Champaign shower cascading over ur body,
never needed a drink like i do now,
the way u make me feel when u're being naughty,
Can't be explained any other way, but "wow",

Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,

love 2 watch u take ur clothes off,
the way u always look me in the eye,
the teasing ways u touch me so soft,
the way there's always something else u're wanting 2 try,

Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,

When u're dressed,
I'm so jealous of ur clothes,
i wanna be with u and just as close,
kiss u in those places no other could imagine,

if i could wear u girl, u'd be my favorite fashion,

Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,

i wanna do,
so many things with u,
i long 2 do,
so many nasty things with u,
i wanna get so nasty with u,
get u off in so many ways that the only words u can say are,

Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,
Ha da de da da,

What The Hell Am I Doing?

When u don't care how i feel,
When u aren't worried about how the cold of your coldest shoulder,
chills me 2 the bone,

i gotta ask myself,
what the hell i'm doing here,
i gotta ask myself,
what good can come of this,
when u can't even get a kiss,
let alone a full filling night,
cuz you'd much rather fight,
u ain't concerned with my tears,
so i ask myself,
what the hell am i doing here...

when the last time u said my name,
was in anger,
and the last time u looked in2 my eyes,
like i was a stranger,

when u won't bring yourself 2 say even "hi"
maybe u could find it in your heart 2 say "goodbye"
or "if you'd stay..2night i'd try",

but u've got on your strong faced mask,
and your eyes they are so dark & mean,
4 ur attention i'm so afraid 2 ask,

that just might set fire 2 a night already douced in gasoline..

i gotta ask myself,
what the hell i'm doing here,
i gotta ask myself,
what good can come of this,
when u can't even get a kiss,
let alone a full filling night,
cuz you'd much rather fight,
u ain't concerned with my tears,
so i ask myself,
what the hell am i doing here...

used 2 be a time when u couldn't keep ur hands off of me,
nah.. that time was only in my mind,
guess it might be better 4 u if we slipped off these rings,
it might make us both feel better in time... or maybe we would regret...

maybe we should ask..

what the hell are we doing here?
is it really that hard 2 love,
someone u've known all your goddamn life,
someone who was ur first,
ur first kiss, ur first hand holding,
ur first .. intimate moment,
why is it so easy 2 make it feel like the worst,
thing we could do 2gether..
we're standing on a broken in a million pieces forever,
what the hell are we gonna do?

why should i feel like i have to ask myself,
what the hell i'm doing here,
i gotta ask myself,
what good can come of this,
when u can't even get a kiss,
let alone a full filling night,
cuz you'd much rather fight,
u ain't concerned with my tears,
still i ask myself,

what the hell am i doing here...

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

All My Might

breathin the same oxygen,
bout as close as we'ver been,
i've never seen u smile,
never heard u say my name,

i've never made u laugh,
never seen ur eyes light up, in fact,
u wouldn't recognize,
the sound of my voice...

but if i saw u 2night
and the mood hit u just right,
i've give everything i got,
2 love u with all my might,
i'd do everything i can,
2make u feel alive,
with just a touch from my hand,
if i only had 2night 2 show u how good we could be,
i'd love u with all my might!!

i've never been a fan,
of a one night stand,
i'd rather have more,
than a few hours 2 be close 2 u,

but if that was the plan,
then i'm sure i can,
give u the time of ur life,
so that after 2night,
u want me for the rest of all time,

so if i saw u 2night,
and the mood hit u just right,
i'd give it all i got,
2 love u with all my might,
i'd do everything i can,
2 bring u 2 life with just,
1 touch of my hand,
if i only had 1 night 2 show u,
how good we could be,
i'd love u with all my might,

i wouldn't hold nothing back,
leaving anything 2 chance,
2 feel u kiss, ur touch,
ur breath on me,
i'd gladly take the dare,
2 see my reflection in ur stare,
2 run my fingers thru ur pretty,pretty hair,
2 make our 2 souls become 1,

i'd love u with all my might..

wanna love u with all my might...

breathing the same oxygen,
that's bout as close as we've ever been....

Friday, February 17, 2012


as i lay here & think about myself, i honestly can say, i am a pretty awesome guy. Why? well first off, i have NEVER hit a female..EVER!!  I sing better than most of the artists on the top 10 pop charts. I write very well, and i am not afraid to express my feelings. A lot of the time, expressing my feelings leaves me vulnerable and "open", but at least everyone knows without apology or question..exactly where i stand.  i don't smoke and i only drink casually and NEVER when it's my responsibility to drive.  I can hold my own on a variety of topics without sounding out of my league. I have a vast knowledge of music and, when all else fails, i can whip a conversation in that direction and win over even my biggest critics. I know when it's okay to swear, and wheb to keep it respectful. i know when to say sir and ma'am without it sounding too "kiss ass". i am respectful to all around me and do not tread on others' feelings. i am quick witted, and have a 1 liner locked and loaded for almost anything a person could say.  i am loyal. if i am your friend, i am your friend. you can call me for whatever and i am there. i stand on my word, amd if i tell u i will do something, you can believe its gonna get done. there are other ways i believe i am awesome, and a great person to be around, and if you are reading this, i will leave it up to you to determine and learn what those other reasons are...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012



just a whisper from u,
gets me so...
just a breath from u,
on my neck and i'm so..
a fingertip feather touch and
i get sooooo....


just the thought of a long night,
just the memory of a long night,
and the anti-ci-pa-tion,
gets me


and i can't walk,
can barely stand,
i'm in need,
i'm in need,
a release in the worse way,
at an airport would need an xray..

wmd? perhaps?

i'm just so

a rainy day with nothin' 2 do,
gets me,
nothin' on the tv,
gets me,
wind blows your perfume my way,
gets me,

damn i hope nobody sees me like this,

a song on the radio reminds me &
gets me so,
the longing, and the wanting,
gets me so,
don't have to be anything in particular,
just u...
get me soooo


and i can't walk,
can barely stand,
i'm in need,
i'm in need,
a release in the worse way,
at an airport would need an xray..

wmd? perhaps?

i'm just so

can't walk,
can barely stand,
i'm in need,
i'm in need,
a release in the worse way,
4 ur lovin' i'm so thirsty,
at the airport,
would surely need an xray..

wmd? perhaps...

i'm just so...
u make me so..




step 2 me,
arch your back,
curve your spine,
let your eyes gaze into mine,
take in this love potion # 9,
let a sweet supple sip drip from your bottom lip,
while my hands rest on the top of your hips,
and kiss, yes the kiss,
our mouths intertwine as our tongue's get 2 know each other,
there's never been a better time than the present to touch,
finger tips only,
i'll trace your body lightly as the goosebumps form,
breathe on the nape of your neck,
as i feel u getting warm,
you're panting slowly,
i can tell that it's something u need,
u're begging me 2 undress u,
so i'll begin with your jeans,
each button and slowly unzip,
your eyes never off mine,
and the kiss, yes the kiss,
is connected hotter and harder than before,
the only words u can muster..

"more baby, more"



when u get a cold chill,
and the goosebumps appear,
ur bottom lip quivers,
when u're just about 2 cry,
but u're doing ur best 2 try,
ur bottom lip starts 2 quiver,
when u're just about "there"
and i'm caught in ur stare,
ur bottom lip starts 2 quiver,

and i get so strong,
but weak at the same time,
when ur bottom lip starts 2 quiver,

u could build me up,
or tear me down,
any and everytime,
ur bottom lip quivers...

I Say

I Say

i can't promise u i'll open doors,
i can't promise u i'll pull out chairs,
i can't promise u i'll say the right things,
i can't promise u a perfect gentleman,

i can't promise u trips around the world,
i can't promise u cash advances in large amounts,
i can't promise u a mansion on a hill,
all i can promise u is what really counts,

i may never have it all,
but what i have is your's,
maybe 2gether we can find 4ever,
and what this life is really for,
i may never have 2 much,
but baby know this 1 thing is 4 sure,
i may never have it all,
but my ALL is YOUR'S

my heart has been broken be4,
so i'll hand u all the pieces,
instead of diamonds or gold,
i share with u my dreams, my fears,
my weaknesses,

and 2 u i'll tell my story,
add u 2 the next chapters that i write,
and with u i'll be a family,
and i will NEVER say GOODBYE!

i may never have it all,
but what i have is your's,
maybe 2gether we can find 4ever,
and what this life is really for,
i may never have 2 much,
but baby know this 1 thing is 4 sure,
i may never have it all,
but my ALL is YOUR'S,

i may not send u roses,
may not remember every holiday,
but no sound will ever be truer,

I Say.....



i just wanna be your hero,
i wanna be your superman,
wanna be the only 1 u run 2,
when no1 else understands,

God only knows why u stay,
should've been gone a long time ago,
could've been in a better place,
happier than u could ever know,

i haven't been the man u've needed,
or the man i should've been,
i can call u MY BEST,
but u can't even call me a friend,

and i've been going thru some changes,
reaching out for a hand,
tired of living on my knees,
getting by any way i can,

there are times i'll stumble,
there are times i'm gonna fall,
tryin so hard to walk then run,
when i've barely learned 2 crawl,

wanna be a good man,
but what i wanna be most of all..

i just wanna be your hero,
i wanna be your superman,
wanna be the only 1 u run 2,
when no1 else understands,

don't wanna be the one who's hurt u,
or the one who's made u cry,
or the one who's done something,
so stupid it makes u say goodbye,

i'd rather be the one u talk 2,
the one who makes u smile,
the one who's arms u run 2,
the one who protects u like a child,

i wanna be your destination,
the place that always feels like home,
the eyes that u know that u belong in,
the one u know will never leave u all alone,

the one who can't wait 2 make love 2,
when the feeling is so right,
not the one u feel u "have 2",
just 2 avoid another fight,

i just wanna be your hero,
i wanna be your superman,
wanna be the only 1 u run 2,
when no1 else understands,

i wanna be the one and only,
one u know u never wanna be without,
i wanna be the smile your face makes,
when i make u proud,
i just wanna be your hero,
wanna be your superman,
wanna be the 1 u run 2,
cuz i'm the only one who understands..

i want to be your ..


Last Man

Last Man

if i was,
maybe u would,
but i'm not,
so u don't,

u could,
and u should,
but no matter how i beg,
u won't,

it's a choice,
it's a plan,
and i don't think i understand,

if i was the only man,
would u love me then,
if i was the last man,
would u WANT me then,

4 a kiss, 4 a touch,
4 a night, 4 the rush,
4 a day, 4 all time,
if i was the only man on this world,
would u be mine?

u know how i feel,
and u don't really seem 2 care,
u don't think that's it's real,
u pretend that u're not aware,

that the pain,
that the tears,
that the hours that have turned in2 years,
should have been so blessed,

but u treat me like i'm just a mess,

if i was the only man,
would u love me then,
if i was the last man,
would u WANT me then,

4 a kiss, 4 a touch,
4 a night, 4 the rush,
4 a day, 4 all time,
if i was the only man on this world,
would u be mine?

u'd think after all this time it would be easy 2 do,
instead of this complicated sh*t that u put me thru,
why do i have 2 beg, why do i have 2 plead,

4 a kiss, 4 a touch,
4 a night, 4 the rush,
4 a day, 4 all time,
if i was the only man on this world,
would u be mine?

if i was the only man,
would u love me then,
if i was the last man,
would u WANT me then,

4 a kiss, 4 a touch,
4 a night, 4 the rush,
4 a day, 4 all time,
if i was the only man on this world,
would u be mine?

if i was,
maybe u would,
but i'm not,
so u don't,

Refuse 2 Fall

Refuse 2 Fall

sittin here in the dark room,
back against the wall,
tryin' 2 push a couple tears,
that refuse 2 fall,

poundin' my fists on my knees,
stomach knotting,
tryin' 2 find the reason,
tryin' 2 find something,

don't turn on the lights,
i just wanna be by myself and cry,
have a pitty party of just 1,
and the party has just begun,
don't look at me,
don't ask me,
cuz it won't change at all,
just leave me a lone with these stubborn tears,
tears that still refuse 2 fall,

the walls keep getting thicker,
their starting 2 close in,
the cold is chilling everything,
my soul's just about frozen,

so go on ahead without me,
collect your money when u pass go,
me i'll just hang around,
feelin' more lonely than ever before,

don't turn on the lights,
i just wanna be by myself and cry,
have a pitty party of just 1,
and the party has just begun,
don't look at me,
don't ask me,
cuz it won't change at all,
just leave me a lone with these stubborn tears,
tears that still refuse 2 fall

sittin here in the dark room,
back against the wall,
tryin' 2 push a couple tears,
that refuse 2 fall,

Monday, February 13, 2012

I Hope

This is for that person who fucks you over. Tells you they love you, they want you, they need you, when it's all bullshit.  Male or Female, we've all had that person who is full of nothing but SHIT...

well this is for them..

I Hope

I really hope he does u wrong,
I hope he let's u down,
I hope when u need him most,
He's with another girl across town,
I hope he stops answering the phone,
I hope he leaves u all alone,
I hope he hurts u in every way u hurt me 10 fold,
I hope u feel like u just can't go on,
When he does u wrong..

I hope he starts makin up excuses,
And keeps his alibis air tight,
I hope u have to start second guessing,
With whom and where he's spending all his time,
Hope when he says he's workin,
U know he ain't workin,

I hope u start contemplatin',
Just what the hell is wrong with u,
Why would any man wanna treat u,
The way "the one who's supposed to love u" do,

I really hope he does u wrong,
I hope he let's u down,
I hope when u need him most,
He's with another girl across town,
I hope he stops answering the phone,
I hope he leaves u all alone,
I hope he hurts u in every way u hurt me 10 fold,
I hope u feel like u just can't go on,
When he does u wrong..

I hope that u start drownin',
Every night from all of your tears,
I hope that u begin obsessing,
Just how the hell I've wasted all these years,

I hope u come home early from work,
With thoughts of loving him in ur head,
Only 2 catch him in the act,
With another woman in ur bed,

I hope he does u wrong,
U don't know how much I hope he let's u down,
I hope when u're beggin u need him the most,
He's spending time with another across town,
I hope he stops answering the phone,
While u're home all alone,
Yeah, I hope he leaves ya, I hope he cheats on ya,
In ur bed, with ur best friend, ur cousin, ur sister, ur mama,
And all ur dirty laundry is known all over ur little town,
I hope with all my heart,
That the tears don't stop when they start,
When he breaks ur heart in pieces,
And be let's u down, I know he's gonna let u down,

When u've got nowhere 2 go,
Call me baby, I'll be there, I'll be right there,
2 tell u 2 ur face,
I told u so..

I hope he does u wrong,
And I can't wait till he let's u down....


everyone has their "moment".. that person that does it for them, their be all and end all.. well this is  about that person.


they say there are moments,
When ur life will be defined,
Moments that change u,
That will last 4 a lifetime,
............and u are mine

Don't know if u found me,
Or was it I that found u,
But since u've been around me,
My whole life has been renewed,

U r my moment,
U r my place,
Right in the center of ur heart,
Is my space,
U r my reason,
U r my treasure,
That event in my life,
That's sure 2 last 4ever...

I have wondered,
What "HAPPY" would be like,
Now I feel it and I want it 4 all time,
Cuz u r mine,

Don't ever wanna lose u,
Don't wanna ever hear a "goodbye"
I wanna spend the rest of my life,
With my reflection in ur eyes...

U r my moment,
U r my place,
Right in the center of ur heart,
Is my space,
U r my reason,
U r my treasure,
That EVENT in my life,
That's sure 2 last..4EVER..

They say there are moments,
When ur life will be defined..
Moments that will change u,
That will last 4 a lifetime,

And u r mine

If These Walls Could Talk

sometimes you just have erotic thoughts.. okay, well by now, u've read, i have A LOT of erotic thoughts, but there are way more fun and creative ways to talk about it than to be blunt.  Sometimes the steamiest of conversations are the ones where nothing straight out is said, just playful banter that tells you where the night is going to lead.. well in this case.. if these walls could talk.. well ...

If These Walls Could Talk

U can feel my breath on the back of ur neck,
Every syllable echoing against the goosebumps,
U shiver, not from cold, from delight,
Then I spin u around, we make eye contact,
And kiss...

My name flowing freely from ur lips as I,
Caress u lightly finger tip touch,
Watch u tremble,
Feeling the rush,

Whispering beggin' don't stop,

As the music decrescendos,
I see the steam fog up the windows,
Haven't "went there", but the tempo's,
Leading in2 an innuendo,

Where do u want me?
Let ur eyes say,
How long can I stay,
I might be all day,

No 2nd guess, I want u always,
So taboo,
What they would say....

If these walls could talk!

Civil War

when you just wanna say to that other person.. stop fighting with me.. what the hell are u fighting with me for.. and why is it ALWAYS another fight?

Civil War

U're opposite of what u're s'posed 2 be,
So far away instead of close 2 me,
Who woulda thought that being here,
Would be so challenging?

When every breath turns in2 screaming,
Every scream in2 a tear,
Every go 2 bed won'dring,
What the •••• I'm doing here,

U're gonna be the death of me,
U're gonna be the one that wins,
U're gonna be everything,
I'll never amount 2 in the end,

Another night another breakdown,
Another glassy eyed redemption,
Another shaky handed calm down,
Ahhhhhh that just isn't calming...

When talking turns 2 yelling 2 screaming,
How do u justify the crying?
Why can't u love the one u're pushing away,
The one that's slowly dying??

U're gonna be the death of me,
U're gonna be the one who wins,
When my heart is beating out of my chest,
And I'm lying on the floor,
U're gonna be the death of me,
U're gonna have ur hand raised up again,
And be everything,
I could never amount 2 in the end....

Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite,
Close ur eyes for sweet dreaming,

I'll close my eyes 4 sweet dreaming..
Or maybe I'll just close..

The Touch

sometimes the "lead in" is better than the actual "act". The thought of what's to come, the anticipation of "the touch" is so tense sometimes that the butterflies in your stomach are going nuts.. it's like that roller coaster downhill feeling.. right up till that moment.  .. 

The Touch

Everyone's talking
But I don't hear nothin' but u,
Ur voice like an angel and echo,
Can't believe what it's making,
Me want 2 do,

Let's get out of this place,
Let's turn up our radio,
Dance alone 2 our favorite song,
Let's let our eyes lock an make the meeting of our minds get our bodies ready 4..

The touch


This is my attempt at writing Gospel. it's a genre that i love, but have really no expertise in it whatsoever. i'm not learned in the bible, so i have to just speak from the heart.. these words came to me with basically no "thought". i closed my eyes and typed most of it without looking at the keys.. guess HE whispered.. and made it easy for me..

I am just a man,
How'm I s'posed 2 witness,
What I myself don't always understand,

Give me the words,
Make it easy 4 me,
Cuz it's not in my heart 2 follow,
I was meant 2 lead,

Whisper so loud,
It turns in2 screams,
Paint 4 me a picture,
That I'll c in my dreams,

And when it's brought 2 question,
I will know just what 2 say,
So that I can bring more people 2 u,

I believe, I believe,
That u died 4 me and that u will rose again,
I believe, yes I believe,
I want 2 share it with all my family & friends,

Give me the words,
Make it easy 4 me,
It's not in my heart 2 follow,
I was meant 2 lead,
2 a new direction,
Off the beaten path,
2 find the ones who've been lost,
And show them the way back,

Cuz I believe, Yes I believe,
That u died 4 me and that u're coming back again,
I believe...Jesus I believe,
And I want 2 share u're story,
With my family and all my friends..

Whisper so loud.....whisper so loud....
Jesus can u whisper so loud,
It turns in2 screams..
It turns in2 screams..

Whisper so loud, it turns in2 screams,

Give me the words

Make it easy 4 me..

Your Song

this one is kind've a kiss off to anyone who THINKS that it's always about them. They can be anyway to you that they wanna be, and you will still be there, because your weakness is as strong as their Fake! This is to say.. um.. no.. but then it really is.. kinda their song.. but it's my creative spin on saying FUCK YOU without coming out and saying FUCK YOU (like i just did twice..lol)

This will never be,
No, it could never be,
No matter how u want it 2 be,
This just ain't your song,

So stop tryin' 2 learn the words,
There's no need 2 sing a long,
Cuz no matter how good it sounds in ur ears,
This will never be your song,

A song is written 4 the one u love,
A song is written 4 the one who loves u just as much,
It's not 4 the one who broke ur heart & made u cry,
It's not 4 the one... who said "goodbye",

So never mind what u think,
I couldn't waste the ink,
I'd rather save a tree,
Than ever write your song,

This will never be,
No it never, ever could be,
No matter how bad u want it 2 be,
No matter how much familiarity,
It's not within the realm of possibility,
That this could be your song,
No, baby, This is not..

Your Song


this one was a naughty thought during a boring day, imagination went on auto pilot, thinking of the hottest of moments when ... well...

a cool breathy whisper,
3 syllables so sweet,
she pulled herself close 2 me,
said "christopher"
and a few other naughty things,

only for a brief few,
she knew what others never knew,
how it would set the mood,
when she said.. "christopher"

everything else didn't matter,
not time, not place,
not situation,
it's like i could only hear the sound,
of my heart begin to pound,
2 the beat of her breaths,
as her voice sang,
and a few other naughty things,

captivated i was,
in the mood 2 see,
just what this night,
had in store for me,
cuz so in tune was she,
with such bite she said 2 me,
and a few other,

i can't even tell ya the other naughty things,
who knew it could be such a bliss,
i'd never heard it said quite like this,
so serious and without any intention of games,
she said, "christopher"
and a few other naughty things..

Sunday, February 12, 2012


U're not a little feather falling,
U're not a precious heart about 2 break,
U're just that "need me" voice calling,
The culmination of mistakes that I have made,

Tell me why?!!!!
Why can't I unhear u,
Why must ur song keep whispering inside,
And tell me why?!!!!
Every time I end up near u,
I can't gain control over my mind...

Jezebel•••u're no good 4 me•••
Jezebel•••just go away & let me be•••
Jezebel•••I'd rather be without than be with u•••••••Jezebel

Another tale of woe,
Another "I don't know how I can deal"
Another round of excuses,
Hanging on 2 every moment u can steal,

Crocodile teardrops fall on my canary

My Song

blank sheet of paper,
new ink in the pen,
haven't written a new song,
since i don't know when,

i just can't find the words 2 say,
wanna feel, wanna see,
wanna tell the world,
how good being in love can be,
but i just can't find the words 2 say,

could u be my lyric,
could u be my muse,
could u be the music,
could u be the rhyme,
could u be my song,

kisses shouldn't push away at all,
they should draw u in,
and who knows what could happen then,
backs weren't meant 2 be turned on the person next 2 u,
shoulders weren't meant 2 be so cold,

i wanna write..the prettiest words,
that make u smile,
that make u say, "this guy is really the one"
then u run & tell everyone u know,
but i just can't find the words 2 say,

could u be my lyric,
could u be my muse,
could u be my music & my rhyme?
could u be my song?

could ur heart make the tempo,
ur eyes be the melody,
the window 2 the soul,
that sees right in2 me,

could u be the reason,
i can't stop writing,
the songs that make everyone say,
this what a love is supposed 2 be...

could u be...
do u wanna be...

could u be my lyric,
could u be my muse,
could u be my music and make all the pretty words rhyme,
could u be my song?

4 A Kiss

Chilly cold, afternoon,

U got my hoodie on and u,

Looks so much better in it,

Than I,

Fire pit we’re sittin’ round,

Tellin’ stories about Ghosts & things,

Crickets chirp 2 set the mood,

And I can’t stop looking,

at u,

This is what we were given hearts 4,

This is what we were given feelings 4,

Smiles are made in moments just like this,

Seems like the perfect timing…

4 a kiss..

Fire flies are all a flutter,

One hand held, leads 2 another,

Eyes lock and it seems like a memory,

Ur voice trembles as u say my name,

U come in closer suddenly everything,

Stops! And there’s no one else in this world but,

U and I,

This is what we were given hearts 4,

This is what we were given feelings 4,

Smiles are made in moments just like this,

Seems like the perfect timing….

4 a kiss..

Maybe 2.. Maybe 3..

There’s no music, still we dance,

We’re nervously trembling at the chance,

We’re in the back car of the roller coaster as it falls..

This is what we were given hearts 4,

This is what we were given feelings 4,

Smiles are made 4 moments just like this,

Seems like the perfect timing,

4 a kiss..

Maybe 4, Maybe 5,


close ur eyes,
stretch out ur arms,
relax ur mind,
fall into mine,

fall in love,

no need to over think,
let go of everything,
and lead ur heart in2 mine,

fall in love with me,

with every breath in me,
i'll erase every "why",
i'll take away the sighs,
fall in love with me,

ring on ur finger,
I'm down on 1 knee,
I'm a new man,
I know u can see,

Never been here before,
so close to eternity,
i'm standing here waitin',
4 u 2 fall in love with me,

sorry if i text 2 much,
if i say 2 much,
hold u 2 tight,
i just can't get enough,

been waiting 2 be,
this new & improved me,
i need 2 be with u,
in love with me,

close ur eyes,
stretch out ur arms,
relax ur mind,
fall into mine,



3am candle lit tear-stained cheek,
gettin' outta this kitchen,
can't take the heat,
just listenin' 2 the barely beating of my heart,
u could say whatever's on ur mind,
any clever proverbs u can find,
say u hate me, say "it's not u", "it's just me",
but don't say u love me...

my heart ain't what it used 2 be,
i'm picking it up off the ground,
taking it back 4 me,
u could come up with the cleverest of lines,
put it in a poem.. make all the words rhyme,
shout it from a roof top, or a mountain,
high above me..
long as u don't say u love me...
i can't take the consequences,

of what an "i love u" will do,
can't take the pain of feeling again,
having another dream not come true,
show a little mercy,
a little relief,
far from the sadness,
far from the grief,
say u hate me & lie right thru,
ur pretty little teeth,
don't say u love me

don't have a way 2 pick up all the pieces,
when my heart falls broken on the floor,
and any time someone's said they love me,
they follow up with "i don't love u anymore"
turn ur back 2 me and move ahead,
about as far from me as u can get,
and there'll be no reason 2 ever regret,
if u.. don't say... u love me..
please don't.. u say... u love me.
don't say u love me


do u look at me,
see me like i see u,
everytime i close my eyes...
i do..

do u think of my eyes,
as a paradise,
as the 1 place,
u are drawn to..
how do u dream?

do u dream in 1 days,
do u dream in ever?
do leave it all 2 chance,
that 1 day it will come 2gether,
do u dare 2 dance,
do u dare 2 look inside that pair of eyes,
u've longed 2 stare in2...4ever..

do u love...just 2 take it away,
or is it here 2 stay,
is it just a game u play,
and play 2 win,

do u put all ur cards on the table,
go all in and then,
whatever happens, happens,
2morrow, do it all over again,

are u afraid 2 lose,
are u afraid 2 cry,
are u afraid 2 be open enough,
2 let someone inside,

i ask u how...
how.. do .. u ..dream..

do u dream in sometimes,
as long as the 1 lines,
are there 2 make u laugh,
or do u steal a heart just 2 give it back,
do u want 2 wake up in seperate places,
or lie next 2 the face that's the 1 for u,
who's love is true..i'm asking u..
how do u dream?
do u dream in 1 days,
do u dream in ever?
do leave it all 2 chance,
that 1 day it will come 2gether,
do u dare 2 dance,
do u dare 2 look inside that pair of eyes,
u've longed 2 stare in2...4ever..

do u long 2 stare in2 that 1 pair of eyes,
that only 1 love paradise...4ever

how do u dream?

Whitney Houston

there are many things that i could write about, but there is only one topic that comes to mind..


I was just 10 when I first heard this angelic voice on the radio, telling me that the "Greatest Love of All" was inside of me.  I was capitvated by her voice and how amazing her tone, pitch and sound carried through the speakers.  I hadn't seen a video of her yet, so I had no idea or pre concieved notion of color. All i knew was this voice was amazing.  I was fixated with matching her voice. Pushing my falsetto to limits it hadn't been pushed. I wanted to sound like... THAT! I studied her breathing techniques and learned her songs front to back and could listen to her over and over and over.  When she covered Dolly Parton's "I Will Always Love You", I was in awe, like the rest of the world.  Whitney had shown her pipes, but she clowned on this song.  Effortlessly she took you through the emotions of the lyric and demanded you feel something. I will not reflect on her personal choices, which could be brought into serious question.  I will not go into great length on my opinion that if she hadn't settled for Bobby Brown, that she might be alive today.  I will, instead say "Thank You" to an Icon, a Legend, and "The VOICE" .. 

Friday, February 10, 2012


this piece was my way of shouting at the memories and the people who put them there. my way of saying what i wanted to say to them when i was just a child.  it's anger filled and with lots of expletives. .. read on at your own risk.


i didn't want to,
u fucking made me,
i couldn't stop u,
4 that i hate me,

had to block the pain,
it turned to anger quick,
so with my pen i kill u,
over and over u son of a bitch!

i watch u die with every line,
every stroke, every verse,
i can write your demise a different way, every night,
each vision, much worse,

i couldn't fight u,
i was just a kid,
but now i get revenge,
for all that shit i did,

u will not own me,
u will not make me sin,
u're soul might make it to heaven,
but u'll go to hell, a thousand times with my pen,

i didn't want 2,
u fucking made me do it,
i had no choice, i had no voice,
u die with a pen,
u'll die with my pen,
on the paper u pay,
a different way, every day.


this piece really speaks for itself.  it's basic, straight forward and to the point.  you'll never know me.. unless you take the time.. will you?


I killed myself 2day,
but the wound still bled,
and the pain didn't go away,
no the pain didn't go away,

i dug the hole 6 feet deep,
climbed into the box,
drifted off to sleep,

crossed my hands,
closed my eyes,
as it got dark,
i whispered goodbye,

the box was closed,
the seals were sealed,
the locks were locked,
and the hole was filled,

the dirt piled on,
foot by foot it warmed,
till the weight bowed the casket,
my last breath felt like magic,

i killed myself today,
but the wound still bled,
and the pain didn't go away,
no the pain didn't go away,


"get over it!" "let it go!" are just some of the things people have said to me over the years since finding out about my childhood.  That would be a desired emotion, i would love to get over it. i would love to let it go, and be able to say it didn't happen or it doesn't matter that it happened.  but unfortunately, it isn't as easy as "move on".   Not when every day.. the memories are .. just like ...Yesterday

Yesterday Raped Me

I can't run fast enough from yesterday,
rapes me again, when the thought begins again,
my mind begins to hydroplane,
into those nights of horrid pain,

the things i saw with child's eyes,
the way you had me mesmerized,
i had not a choice,
i had not a voice,

i can't run away from yesterday,
rapes me again,
when i close my eyes 2 sleep,

my memory plays it,
like a dvd on repeat,
it's in high definition sound,
it takes me back, it's all around,

the clock is ticking slow at least,
as i am taken by the beasts,
and shown the things that grown folks do,

but i can't explain the pain 2 you,
why are u trying to help me?
u shouldn't even know this exists,

yesterday rapes me again in the night like
the chill in the evening air,
i swing punches everywhere,
wondering how to make this go away,

to go on with life, not fearing,
not remembering...
yesterday...raping me again

December Abortion

many many times i contemplated suicide as a child to escape the abuse that was happening on a daily basis.  many times i would try and fail.  nightmares and memories have persisted to attack over the years and in 2006 they almost got the better of me...  shortly after, this piece came to me..

December Abortion

December came with snow and rain,
The cold brought with it a brutal pain,
A reminder of a birth, and a death,
An Abortion 10 years 2 late,
A loss of everything,
4 years with fate,
A time of Jesus,
Time spent in hell,
A Timmy without a Lassie,
Stuck all alone in a well,
A Time of Christmas celebration,
The first time i knew RAPE,
A time when u Love,
A time when i Hate,
A time of presents,
Puts that past in the present,
While visions of sugar-plumbs dance in your head,
Visions of Pastor climbing into bed,
Visions of Pat and Johnny attacking Chris,
Chris praying..What kind of life is this?
A time of scarves, coats and sweaters,
Somebody help me,
Somebody better,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night,
While i prayed,
Please Jesus,
Take My Life...


a day that will live in my memory until i have no more memory to remember...   this piece speaks for itself.


The lighting is almost perfect,
The blankets are scattered on the floor,
This is not the first time,
They've done this a thousand times before,

The camera's in the corner,
The scent of perfume overtakes the room,
Stockings just the way He likes it,
To Deny, would certainly be doom,

Action is said as the red button is compressed,
Your suddenly taken out of,
The clothed which u were dressed,
Hands and face assault u with all u can take,

Slaps, but no cries, u cannot deviate the plan,
You try to look away,
But your neck is held tight by the man,

You feel him reach his pleasure,
while u feel every inch of pain,
You're suddenly in silence,
Except for the sound of your name...


i was feeling a little brave one day in 2006, and this lil gem came about.. i pictured myself strong and wanted to convince myself of my strength..


sitting in this spinning chair,
my eyes have become a revolving door,
i can make out images in the blur,
the demons, are everywhere,

the colors they mold into 1 picture,
one that i can truly understand,
the spoon offers up an elixir,
but i refuse the helping hand,

i see my childhood replaying,
over and over in my view,
i look the ones who hurt me in the eyes,
i'm finally brave enough to say..FUCK YOU!

Round and Round it goes,
Where will i be when it stops,
No one really knows,
So i relax and stay on for the ride,

Happen (ymmom)

so, in 1996 i told my parents about the abuse i suffered while they were away.. my mom quickly denied it, as if she were there to know. She said immediately.. no, it didn't happen..  hence this next piece.. i wrote it in 2006 when i first was ready to present my autobiography to my parents.  i wanted my mom to know just how bad her denial affected me. 


For the first time u looked as if u cared,

Like u knew something was the matter,

U asked me, son what’s the matter,

With u?

I was a little scared at first,

Cos I’d never seen this side of u,

Wondered what happened 2 u,

That u cared  what I was going thru,

But against my better judgment,

Of the way that u would handle this,

I gathered up my fears,

And hid them tightly in a fist,

And when I told u what had happened years ago,

U said oh, no,

This didn’t really happen,

Stop insisting that it  happened,

I won’t believe it ever happened,

Stop lying son, u know,

It didn’t happen,

I should have known those words,

Would follow my admission,

That u’d  bring it back without permission,

I guess for 1 second I believed that u loved me,

But how could someone that loved me,

Treat me so ugly, and say it didn’t happen,

Of course 2 u it didn’t happen,

Cos it happened 2 me,

But u said, oh no, this didn’t really happen,

I won’t believe it ever happened,

Stop insisting that it happened,

Stop lying son, u know,

It didn’t happen,

So when the truth comes knocking on your door,

In the middle of the night round a quarter to 4,

And u feel that pain I felt for fucking years,

Don’t bother calling me, it was u who ignored my tears,

I’m sorry that u can’t see the truth,

And that I ever trusted u!!

Mommy, how could u say,

Oh no this didn’t really happen,

I won’t believe this ever happen,

Stop lying son u know,  stop lying son, u know,

Stop lying son u know this didn’t really



during the 4 years of torment and abuse, i was reminded daily that i wasn't sh*t, that i was ugly, that i wan't worth anything. i was reminded that i never would amount to anything more than what i was at that moment, which was .. for lack of a better word.. dead.. i was a child existing, but not living.  Today I still see myself as the ugly one.  this is why the reason for the name of the blog, the name of my autobiography and my perception of myself.  This piece was written when i was at a really low point in my life in 2007, and the words just spilled onto the screen..


I look in the mirror 4 something,

Why no one will ever love me,

I see why, it’s cos I,

Am so goddamned ugly,

Remember all the times they touched me,

The innocence that they took from me,

Turned beauty into disgusting,

Turned a life into nothing,

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Why can’t I have some happiness at all?

Haven’t I paid enough?

Haven’t I been strong, wasn’t I tough enough,

Why don’t you like me?

Shattered hopes and promises,

Things that could will never be again,

Who do you have left,

When you can’t be your friend?

Remembering all the times they touched me,

The innocence that they stole from me,

Turned beauty into disgusting,

Turned a life into nothing,

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Why can’t I have some happiness at all?

Haven’t I paid enough?

Haven’t I been strong, wasn’t I tough enough,

Why don’t you like me?

So, I

Look into the mirror for something,

Why no one ever will love me,

And I see why, it’s cos I,

Am so,

Goddamned ugly…



this is one of the most simple songs i've ever written.  Perhaps meant as an interlude or intro.. but i invisoned, just 2 people in a room. the man looking into the woman's eyes and whispering these words right before he sings the most beautiful lyrics she's ever heard... i present to u...


no music, no fancy cd, no background tape,

just a moonlight, the time is right for song,

no over produced or unrehearsed,

no song that u have ever heard,

hope i can see in your eyes, the joy it brings 2 u,

when i sing 2 u,

when i sing 2 u

can i sing 2 u

In a Time of Plants

As with most of the things i write, the words come to me like a second language. Some, have a specific meaning that u can pick up on, some are simple love songs that define a feeling i'm feeling or desire to feel. Sometimes, though, the words don't have a simple meaning. I find myself, sometimes trying to figure out just what the hell i could have been thinking about when i wrote a specific piece.  It is those pieces that i am most proud of, because they make u think.  It's not as simplistic as.. oh, he means this person, this feeling or that.  Matter of fact, sometimes, when the reader reads a piece the first time, they are like.. what the hell is he talking about?   Well, this is my most artsy piece.  I first wrote the words after having them "saved" in my head all day long about 3 years ago.  Today, they make total sense and with that, i give u.. 
                                                                  In a Time of Plants

 a cheek without a kiss,
a tongue without taste,
a glance without a notice,
eyes, without a face,

i'm in a time of laughter,
but i'm much too scarred to dance,
i'm better off without the water,
in a time of plants.

a touch without emotion,
anger without a cause,
downhill without breaking,
perfection without flaws,

addition without subtraction,
1+1 not equal to 2,
light without a dark,
a ME without a You,

in a time of laughter,
i'm much too scarred to dance,
better off without the water,
in a time of Plants,

Better off without the water,
I'm in a time of Plants

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Blue October

Many musicians and singers (there is a HUGE difference) have helped me along in my life, but none more than the band, Blue October. I first casually heard Blue on 105.7 "the point" in 2006. The song was "Hate Me". At first listen, i thought the song was a cool break up, almost a "F-U" song. Then i heard it again, and actually listened to what the song was addressing. It was the singer's way of telling someone who loved him unconditionally, to hate him, let him go and not to worry about him and just go on with their life.  I went home and downloaded everything i could find from this band, and was hooked. Every song was a feeling that i felt, a part of my life that i went through and never told anyone.  Justin Furstenfeld's song writing was telling my life story,better than i ever could.  December 2006, i made the desicion to write my autobiography as a way to release the demons of my past.  Unfortunately, those demons refused to leave and they almost took my life Dec.23rd 2006.  Had it not been for Blue October's music, i think i would have ended it all that night. I had the pleasure of meeting the band recently, even getting a few minutes to talk to Justin about how his music saved me. It was surreal. He was humble, honored and grateful that his music could touch someone so deeply. i introduced my daughter to him, and he even took time to sing happy birthday to my youngest son over the phone.  I have only missed 1 blue october concert in 6 years, and that will be the ONLY blue october concert i miss. Thanks again; Justin,Jeremy,Matt,Ryan,Julian and C.B. for your creative savior that is Blue October.

Memoirs of a Retarded Dis-Figured Clown pt.7 The Rest of the Story

Brooke and I became inseparable at school and at home.  I couldn’t spend enough time with her.  I was her first real boyfriend and I guess she was my first really serious relationship.  We got along great, and her parents were cool too.  Her mom was really fun to be around and she always had a happy demeanor.  Her dad was quiet but didn’t like me too much just because I was his daughter’s boyfriend.  The first real date that Brooke and I had was at the Roxana Homecoming.  I spent a lot of money trying to win her a stuffed animal, but all I ended up winning her was a stupid puzzle.  We closed the date with her and Kathy walking me to my Uncle’s house to get my bike.  Underneath the light pole in the alley, Brooke and I shared our first kiss.  To this day I remember that clearly.  We would write notes back and forth, and spend lunch together.  We shared friends also.  Jeremy Lyle and Lisa Goheen.  Jeremy and Lisa were a couple so the four of us were together a lot.  Sixth Street Park was another favorite of ours.  We would all four meet up there and hang out.  Most of the time it ended up with Jeremy and Lisa going off to one end of the park and Brooke and I going to another end of the park and making out.  Those make out sessions would turn into Brooke and I both experiencing our first time.  We had been together about four months, and it seemed like the right time.  The experts all say your first time isn’t fun or perfect, and well, they are right, it’s not perfect, but it’s a little fun. J Brooke and I would break up and make up and repeat this cycle over and over again.  I started really writing songs at this point.  I would write at least one new one a day, sometimes more.  Anytime I thought about her, the ideas would just flow out of me, faster than I could put them down on paper.  I really loved her.  When we said that we loved each other, it wasn’t fake at all.  We would end up breaking up over something really stupid, and were apart for the better part of a year, but fate or destiny, depending on whom you ask, was on our side and we would eventually get together again.  Being with Brooke, I had a family.  Her mom, acted like a mom should act, her grandma and great grandma were like grandmas should be.  Since my grandma’s all died when I was young, they filled a void that had been there for so long.  Her dad was also cool and all of the girls thought he was “hot”.  Brooke has a brother, Matt, who was always into something.  Matt was great at sports and was always in baseball.  One day, Matt came down to my house and asked if I wanted to go hang out.  I went with him, and we walked around the neighborhood, and then into town.  Matt said he had some money, so we ended up at Taco Bell.  Once we got back to his house his mom was yelling.  She said that she had some money on the coffee table and that it was gone.  Matt insisted he didn’t take it, which meant she thought that I did.  I was asked if it was me, and I wasn’t going to let them think I stole from them, so I had to say no.  Matt and I were sent down to his grandma Betty’s house to talk to his dad.  When we got there, I could tell Mike was really ticked off, so I asked if I had to be there.  Mike asked me if I took the money and I said I didn’t.  He then told me I should go.  I could hear him yelling at Matt from up the block.  It was not a good day for Matt, but again, I couldn’t cover for him, because no one would want me at that house, and I couldn’t let Brooke think that I would steal from her family. 

When it came close to my 16th birthday, Brooke’s mom said I could have a party in their basement.  Brooke and I got invitations together, and her mom did all the decorating.  We had a pretty good turn out, and we played a lot of music and danced a lot.  It was cool actually having a party.  It was the first big party I had had since my 10th birthday at the skating rink.  One person who wasn’t on the guest list was a guy named Phil.  Phil was one of those guys that you just didn’t like to have around.  Phil was usually into trouble and starting fights, and we didn’t like each other, so I didn’t want him there.  Phil was a friend of Matt’s and Matt felt like he should be able to have him there since the part was at his house.  Phil got mad that he wasn’t allowed to be at the party, and from there we had a problem.  Phil actually wanted to fight about this.  The fight was supposed to be at the local park, but when I showed up, Phil was nowhere to be found.  A year later, Phil tried again to fight me at a school function.  A bunch of guys who were friends of mine at the time, the civil assassins (a gang in Alton, who rapped with me and a friend), wanted to fight him.  Again, the fight was supposed to be at the local park, and again, Phil wasn’t there.  It’s probably a good thing, because there were about ten guys ready to fight, just because he was starting trouble with me.  It’s amazing how many people will stick up for someone who doesn’t start fights.  To this day, Phil and I have never ironed out our differences, and it probably will never happen.  I have grown way past those days, and hopefully he has too.  Back to the party, the party was great.  Brooke’s uncle Ricky and his girlfriend, Suzette came.  Ricky didn’t dance, so Suzette danced with me on a few fast dances.  I will probably remember that party for a long time, just because of Brooke’s family, and how they came together to throw me a party.  They didn’t have to do it, they just did.  One night, Brooke’s mom was having a get together of some sort and Brooke’s grandma showed up.  Brooke hadn’t had anything for supper, so Brooke’s grandma gave her some money and offered me the keys to her car so I could drive Brooke to get some food.  I didn’t have my license, but it was cool, that she just offered up the keys that quickly.  Brooke’s grandma Betty wasn’t so receptive.  I was only ever at her house a couple of times, but she didn’t like me because she said I “pawed” all over Brooke at her house.  That is totally not true, because the one thing I had/have is respect for others.  I didn’t then, or would I now “paw” all over someone at their family’s house.  But Betty didn’t like me, and we weren’t over there much so it was all-good. 

Brooke’s great-grandma, Mattie, was a great woman.  Mattie was known to all as Grandma Rowland.  Grandma Rowland was welcoming anytime you would go to her house.  She was happy to have someone stop by and see her, as she wasn’t able to get around much.  Grandma Rowland lived with Brooke’s grandma Marye or grandma mom as she is affectionately called.  Their house was on the corner of 4th and Cherry in Alton.  The neighborhood the house was in wasn’t so good, it was right in the middle of the “hoe stroll”.  You could sit on the porch and watch “johns” picking up hookers all night.  The house was also haunted.  If you ever ask Marye about the house, she and Brooke’s mom can tell you tons of stories that will make your hairs stand on end.  Alton is a very “haunted” town and that house was one of the most “haunted” that I have heard of.  One night while at the house, we were outside and heard a loud crash.  We all ran up the street to see a motorcycle had had an accident.  George, Marye’s boyfriend, told us all exactly how it happened.  George is a good guy, and knows a lot.  George probably knows more than a lot of people have forgotten, and sometimes it proves to be fruitful, and other times it’s quite annoying.  George and Marye would go out on Sundays and watch the airplanes take off from the airport.  One Sunday, Brooke and I were invited to go.  Before we got to the airport, we went to Grafton to eat.  We ate at a place called Brainerds. Brainerds had a dessert called “toll-house pie”.  The pie was made out of cookie dough and a piecrust.  It was the best pie I ever had.  I never forgot that pie, and now we make it all the time.  Marye is also the best cake maker ever.  When I say the best, I am saying the best!  There is no one on the planet that can make a cake like her.  Everyone wants Marye to make birthday and wedding cakes for them.  When you have a piece of Marye’s cake, you won’t be able to stop at just one.  If she had ever opened a bakery, she would be a millionaire. 

Brooke was always on the “go”.  She was in girl scouts and they had meetings every week or two.  The meetings they had at her house were more like the girls getting together and talking about guys and New Kids on the Block.  I was really jealous and immature at that stage, and I really hated not being the center of attention for Brooke.  Her friends were always into drama and would try to get her to talk to and go out with other guys.  One night we planned to go to a movie, “Boyz in the Hood” and her mom and dad didn’t want her to go because there had been some gang problems in other cities.  We were determined to go, and so was Brooke’s friend, Amy.  Amy was in the middle of trying to get Brooke to meet this guy she knew, so she had that guy to the movie too.  Brooke and I went and because Amy didn’t get her way, she “accidentally” said something to Brooke’s mom about us being at the movie.  Brooke was grounded for a week and told not to see me, but we still saw each other at school, still walked to and from school together, so it didn’t last too long.  One Saturday night Brooke and all of her friends stayed at one of the girls’ houses.  My parents were leaving Sunday to go to see my uncle who lived an hour or so away and were planning on being gone all day.  Brooke and I planned to spend the whole day together at my house, when she got home.  I called her house around noon and she wasn’t home.  I called again and she wasn’t home.  Like an ass, I began calling the house she was staying at, begging her to come home, but the more I called, the longer she stayed.  I think that I finally did something else with my day, but I think I could have handled that differently, but I wanted to get my way.  And when I didn’t get my way, I was a jerk.  I said it, and I’ll admit it because, hey, if you’re gonna tell it, tell it right, right?  Sex, like marijuana and cocaine, is a drug.  It’s addictive once you are getting it, and you want it all the time.  When I had spent the better part of my life getting molested and finding out the bad things about sex, I didn’t know how to act when I started getting the good out of it.  99% of the time, I was protected.  There were a couple times when I wasn’t.  I wanted it every second of every minute of every hour of every day.  I thought about it all day at school, I wrote songs about it, I listened to songs about it, I watched every “porno” I could get my hands on and it really was the best few minutes in life at the time.  When I thought I was going to have it, and it didn’t materialize, I would throw a fit.  Plain and simple it was a fit, and if I was the one dating me, I would have thrown in the towel.  I don’t know how Brooke put up with me, but she did.     We dated through the rest of freshman year and through the summer before our sophomore year in high school.  During our sophomore year we went through some silly changes.  Brooke thought everyone was laughing at her for being with me so she wanted to break up with me because I wasn’t considered one of the “cool people” or the popular people.  So we broke up for a minute and then got back together.  Then, Amy started getting into Brooke’s head.  Amy had been trying to convince Brooke that a senior liked her and wanted to date her.  The problem was, this guy had been dating the same girl throughout most of his high school years.  Amy told her that this guy said Brooke was cute and some other stuff, and got her all excited that this guy liked her.  Brooke would go so far as to have me drive by this guy’s house after school just to see if she could catch a glimpse of him.  It was pathetic, but even more so because I would actually drive by his house for her.  Our chorus was taking a trip to Kansas City, Missouri to World of Fun.  We were taking a charter bus, and Brooke said she would sit with me.  The whole way there was bad, because though she was sitting with me, her mind was somewhere else.  Once we got there, I went with one of my friends and she went her way.  I had $30 for the entire day for food, drink and whatever.  Brooke had some but probably not that much.  I bumped into her and she said that she wanted a sweatshirt that was $30.  I gave her my money and she got the shirt.  I was starving, and partially dehydrated, but she got the shirt.  I couldn’t tell her no, I wanted to be with her so badly, I would have given her the shirt right off my back if she would have asked for it.  One of my friends, Tracy, had spotted me a couple drinks and threw a few nachos my way, so it wasn’t terrible.  On the ride home, Brooke sat with her friends and I got stuck in the back of the bus.  It was the longest 3-hour ride ever.  Once we got back, I made it my mission to do whatever I needed to do to get her back.  Our chorus had met with the senior choir for something or another, and I went up to the guy in question and asked him if what Amy had said was true.  He laughed and said no.  He said he was with his girlfriend and was staying there.  I told Brooke, and eventually we got back together.  We were together for a while, and then broke up again.  My mom had told me we were going to move, and since I wanted to see Minneapolis, we would go there.  I spent what I thought was my last night with Brooke, and it was horrid.  She wasn’t my girlfriend and while it was killing me, it wasn’t even fazing her.  But once I got up the next morning, we didn’t go anywhere and I felt like a fool.  I actually broke up with her one time.  I was in science class with a girl who was new and she was giving me lots of positive attention.  It was new and it was exciting that she was all over me.  I broke up with Brooke to date her, and while it was fun to be with this girl, I wanted Brooke from the minute I broke up.  Brooke and I were together whenever I wasn’t with this girl and eventually we got caught by the girl’s mom seeing us together, and me and the other girl broke up and Brooke and I were right back together.  We finally broke up for good the summer after our sophomore year. It was then; that I decided to try and change completely the way I had been for so long.  I started hanging out at the mall with one of my friends and we ran into a girl that he had known for a while.  Robin told him that she thought I was cute and she wanted to talk to me.  Robin lived in Jerseyville, about 30 minutes outside of Alton, and didn’t know anything about me.  I thought I would use this time to see if I could really change.  Robin was hypersexual and wanted it all the time.  She wanted it more than I ever did.  We would be at a movie theater and she would be all up on me, and I would try and tell her that I didn’t want to do it yet.  I tried putting her off as much as possible, but eventually she dumped me because I wouldn’t put out.  Once the school year started, I was back at Roxana.  Roxana high school was great.  It really was like coming home.  Though there were preppies and stoners, everyone got along for the most part.  The people, who had liked me before I switched schools, liked me still.  The people, who didn’t, still didn’t.  I was chastised in the beginning for being that “Forever Love” guy.  The story behind this is pretty silly.  I wrote songs all the time and I showed them to my friends and anyone else who wanted to read them.  When I had an opportunity to sell lyrics, I did. Now, depending on whom you ask, you’ll hear a different tale.  I didn’t go around bragging to anyone that I sold those lyrics.  I actually had a friend or 3 call me on the phone when they heard the song on the radio and they were excited to hear it.  They said they remembered reading the song from my notebook a year before.  Those friends told some of their other friends and the story went from there.  I was happy that I was able to get something out there, but I didn’t feel the need to brag about it.  So the first few weeks at Roxana were trying to live that down for the guys, and be humble about it with the girls.  I never denied that it was my lyrics, or that I sold them.  The guys thought it was too mushy and the girls thought it was sweet.  It did help me meet girls though.  The first girl I met was Amber. 

Amber was awesome and she was pretty. She was on the volleyball team and wanted to be at every football game on Fridays.  I was right there with her, although I had to meet her there.  Her parents didn’t want her in a car with a guy.  They were very strict on that rule and weren’t budging.  One Saturday night there was a party at some kid’s house and Amber got drunk.  The cops were called and everyone had to split before they got there.  Amber got into a friend of mine’s car and we drove her around for a while.  We stopped at the hotel my friend was staying in and let her lay down.  She was very persistent in trying to get me to sleep with her.  I wanted to, but couldn’t see myself doing that with someone who was drunk, and could misconstrue it later.  We eventually got her back into the car and over to the girl’s house she was supposed to be at.  Amber called me the next day asking if we had had sex.  I told her no, and she couldn’t understand why not.  She called me an hour or so later and broke up with me.  I was confused and couldn’t understand how I had been dumped twice in a row because I wouldn’t have sex with a girl.  It was crazy, but I was trying to show someone that I could like them without having that be a part of the equation, but I found out quickly that you can’t win for losing sometimes.  The next person who would prove that true is Jodi. 

Jodi was 2 years younger than me, but very mature.  We were in German class together, and sat across from each other.  I was really interested in Jodi, and I wanted to approach her in a way no one had ever before.  I asked a mutual friend about her and she told me a lot.  I knew that Jodi liked the band U2, so I wrote her a note using every U2 song I could think of.  That got the ball rolling and we talked a little and eventually we started going out.  Jodi’s parents knew they didn’t like me from the start.  It wasn’t because I was a bad guy; it was because I wasn’t in the same social status.  I would go to Jodi’s house every day after school and to foot ball games to hang out with her.  She was actually the first person other than Brooke who knew about my past, except the abuse, I told no one about that.  Jodi and I were doomed from the start, mostly because of my no sex rule.  I wasn’t going to let sex be the major role in my life.  If I liked someone, I wanted to see if we had a foundation before we did that. Well, to make a long story short, Jodi was ready, and I didn’t see the signs, so we split.  After Jodi, I don’t think I cared much for my no sex policy.  I was looking for someone at this point, just to get the ball rolling, because I knew trying to be abstinent wasn’t going anywhere.  A few girls that I dated, wanted to do it, but they were too scared, and eventually we just broke up. The only girl I was with sexually was a great friend of mine, Kristen. 

Kristen and I were in choir together and I would pick her up and take her home from practices.  One night it went “there” and then it went “there” a few more times.  Kristen and I weren’t compatible to date, but we were friends with benefits.  It lasted a while but then grew old for both of us. I dated a few different girls between my junior year and my senior year.  One girl I dated was the total opposite of me.  Susanne was younger than me, but very pretty.  She also was Christian.  Susanne went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday.  I immediately started going with her and I really enjoyed the church we went to.  I enjoyed it so much so that I was baptized there.  Susanne and I didn’t go progress very far sexually because she just wasn’t ready and she had promised herself that she wouldn’t do it until she got married.  While dating Susanne, I had a chance encounter with Brooke. 

A friend of mine went to Amy’s house and Amy went on this big shpeal that Brooke and her were just talking about me.  Amy said that Brooke had wanted her to tell me if she saw me to call her.  I took her number from Amy, and I went home and called her.  It was great to hear her voice, but she did tell me that Amy was lying.  Amy was a good liar, and this was a good lie.  Brooke agreed to get together and I picked her up the next night and we went to my house.  My parents were really happy to see her, and we just started talking and we hit it off like we had never ended.  I was still dating Susanne, but luckily the next day at school, we broke up. 

Brooke and I were once again inseparable.  We would write each other these long notes during school and exchange them when I picked her up from school.  We would spend every night together until I had to take her home and then repeat the next day.  After graduation, Brooke spent a lot of time at my house.  She would spend most nights there or I would spend them at her house.  Her mom and dad had divorced and she lived with her mom. One night, I was reliving the abuse; it had come to the front of my mind and was attacking my mental.  I started bawling uncontrollably and Brooke wanted desperately to know what was wrong with me.  I confessed to her what had happened, and she said I should tell my parents.  I didn’t want to, but she said I should.  We went into my parent’s bedroom and I tried to tell them what had happened and my mom interrupted me and told me that it didn’t happen.  Dumbfounded, I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep.  That pain that I felt the first time I was molested, was multiplied by 1000, when my mom said those hateful words to me.  I can never forgive her for those words.  No matter if you want to recognize it or not, if your kid tells you that it happened, it happened.  It will drive them away from you and make them despise you for denying their pain.  It had been maybe 10 years since I was abused when I told my mom, but the pain felt as real as it did the first time it happened.  I will never tell my kids that it didn’t happen to them, if they tell me it did.  Denying them is like raping them all over again. 

Brooke and I went to both my prom and her prom our senior year.  Her dress was to be made by Amy’s mom.  Amy’s mom had a shop in Collinsville and she got all of the material to make the dress.  Amy’s mom procrastinated though, and Brooke didn’t get her dress until a couple of hours before she had to wear it for my prom.  Rushing to things has always been something I hated, and we were rushing to get the dress, to get it on her, and to get some pictures and then to the dance.  It was a great night, but it wasn’t without its last minute moment. Graduation that year would also prove to be treacherous.  Mine went off without a hitch, but not Brooke’s.  After the main ceremony was over, everyone met in the east building to talk and have refreshments.  Brooke’s mom didn’t want to wait for her to visit and she left us there.  That sucked.  We had to get a hold of someone to get us home, and it was Brooke’s uncle Ricky that picked us up and took us to Brooke’s house.  It’s funny now, but it was hell that night.

 Brooke and I would date for about a year, when I decided I wanted to marry her.  You see, we had broken up, gotten back together so many times; it just felt like the right and natural thing to do.  I asked her to marry me, but I didn’t have the money for a ring.  I probably would have, but I spent all of my money on cd’s and clothes.  Brooke and I went to the jewelry store and she picked out the ring she wanted.  It wasn’t extravagant so I thought I would just get it and we would be good.  The thing about it was, I kept putting off getting it.  I was asked to go to camp with my job.  The job I had was working with the mentally handicapped, and once a year they took them to a camp.  I said I would go, because the pay was right, and the staff going was very cool to be around.  While I was there, I talked a lot about getting married and spent a lot of time planning how it would be to get married and be together forever.  I thought about Brooke the whole time I was gone, and I just took for granted that she was probably thinking about me also.  Boy, was I all wrong?

Brooke worked at the same place I did, in a different department.  There was a guy there that showed her attention when she was there, and told her what he thought she needed to hear.  They started going out. While I was at camp they were seen together because they were out flaunting this new relationship while I was away, hoping I would get enough money to get her ring.  When I came back, Brooke and I went out for lunch and to a movie.  We got into a really stupid argument on the way back, and she dumped me.  Well, she had already dumped me because she was seeing someone else; she was just dumping me to my face.  She also was sleeping with this guy.  Wow! Gone a week and look what I missed.  I was so beside myself, I didn’t know what to do.  It was a shock to her family also, because the guy was black.  Her family was really against the relationship and wanted her to end it.  Brooke would have none of it.  Brooke was supposed to come by my house one day, and never showed up.  I called her uncle’s house and left messages on the machine, and when she didn’t return my call, I went up there.  To my surprise, the door was unlocked so I went in.  I could tell she was in the shower, so I waited in the living room.  I was under the impression that maybe she wanted me to come up and we would get this thing back on track.  Wrong again, asshole!  When she got out of the shower and saw me, she flipped.  She was trying to get me outta there without telling me what was going on.  I guessed that she had the other guy there, and it was tearing me apart.  I could feel my stomach tying in knots, and my head was spinning.  I began to get enraged with the pain that I was feeling, and I wanted to go into the other room and tear this guy’s head off.  Problem was, I loved her too much to do that.  I went into the other room, told the guy to take care of her, and then I left.  I didn’t just leave I was fucking gone!  I put my Mustang into drive and went to my job, I was bawling uncontrollably by this time, and I couldn’t see in front of me.  I told my boss that I couldn’t come in at my scheduled time, and that I needed some time but I would be there late.  My boss was really cool, and she didn’t ask too many questions. I left work, and drove to my mom’s job, and I didn’t stop at any lights, I didn’t slow down it was straight pedal to the metal all the way there.  I made it to her job in 15 minutes.  It should have taken me 30.  I was bawling in the car, and I told my mom what happened, she didn’t try to console me, so I got back into the car and sped back to work.  I was a mess.  I couldn’t do my work that night.  I pretty much was covered by my coworker that night.  I spent most of the night in a corner crying and feeling sorry for myself.  If you want to know what dying feels like, catch the person you love with someone else.  I don’t mean that you read something or someone told you something, I mean catch them right before your eyes.  I wanted to puke, I wanted to spit, I wanted to fight, and I wanted to die.  Brooke still played me though. When her uncle put her out, Brooke called me to help her get her stuff out of her uncle’s home.  When she needed a place to stay, she stayed at my house, and slept in my bed.  I was her fool, her toy, and she knew that when all of the chips were down, she could call on me and I would be right there, no matter the cost.  One day, she got the notion, that she might be pregnant.  I was so confused but yet so sure about what we should do and what I wanted to do.  I told her that I wanted her and the baby and that I would raise the baby as mine no matter what the outcome.  Brooke thought about it and then said she wanted to get back with me.  Like a fool, or whatever you would want to call me, I accepted.  I told her that I would marry her and raise the baby with only one condition; that if I wasn’t the father, the biological father not be in the picture.  Brooke would have none of that, as she thought she should be fair to this guy.  Fair? I mean, this guy honed in on my girl, and talked a good game and played her and got her away from me, and got her to sleep with him, and she wanted to be fair to him.  I told her I couldn’t share her or a baby with this guy.  She went to the doctor and found out that she was indeed pregnant.  She called the other guy and told him the news and he totally blew her off.  He had other kids by other girls he took advantage of, because he’s a playa, and a thug and he had that whole game down pat.  She called me and then told me that she accepted my offer.  It wasn’t the whole romantic way of getting engaged, but it was how it happened.  I bought the ring, and we set a date and told everyone.  Brooke’s mom and grandma kept asking me if I was sure about this.  I never flinched. I wanted this baby to be mine and I wasn’t going to let Brooke or the baby down.  Babies don’t get to pick their parents, and I knew all about a dad being a dad to a kid he didn’t create, and I wanted to be this baby’s dad.  We picked our wedding party and got a wedding thrown together in May.  On May 3, 1996 we got married.  On our wedding night, we had company until 4 in the morning, so we didn’t really celebrate.  A month later on June 17, my son was born.  For a dad to have a son is the ultimate dream.  A father will always love his kids, but the one thing that every guy wants is a son.  I let Brooke’s mom go in to the room with Brooke while she was having a C-section.  Jordan came out and was perfect.  I was forever changed the day he came into my life.  There had never been a question as to who his real father was.  My dad taught me long ago, any fool with a dick can make a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father.  Jordan was born the day after father’s day, which made it even more special.  But as the joys of parenthood were upon us, the marriage was about to hit a rock, hard and fast.  Once the baby was born, Brooke’s sex drive went way way down.  The pastor who married us told us, that the 2 major factors for divorce were sex and money.  We were finding out quickly about the sex factor.  I have always had a hyper sex drive and Brooke knew that before she married me.  Brooke was having stress issues and it was keeping her away from me.  When we would talk, she would always remind me of her priorities.  Those were, the baby, the bills, the money and everything else, then me.  I was always at the bottom of the list.  Our newlywed sex life was turning into nothing.  If I got it, it always seemed like a chore.  We had to fight about it, do it, then fight about it for a few more days then do it again.  That cycle repeated itself over and over for almost a year.  I didn’t know what to do, because I didn’t want to leave the marriage, I didn’t want to cheat, but I didn’t want to have to go without either.  A man will do what he has to do for himself when he isn’t getting any together time, and I was quickly becoming too familiar with “doing it myself”.  I was feeling the strain and it was tough.  I couldn’t see past the fact that she could go off with someone else and do it with them, but with me I had to fight for it.  I don’t really know what was going on in her head at that time, but I was back to building a wall between us.  I was working midnights, coming home, getting a little sleep, getting the baby up, dressed, fed and playing with him, and then going to work again, and doing it all over again.  I got to a point where I didn’t know if I was going to stay in the marriage or if I was going to leave.  I got no advice from my parents when I went to them, and I didn’t know how to make this work. 

None of my friends were married, so it didn’t help talking to them, because they would quickly say get out of the marriage while I was still young.  I had nowhere to turn, and the walls were closing in and fast.  To top that all off, we kept having trouble with cars.  It seemed like the more we put into them, the less they ran.  We were having trouble making ends meet, and keeping our cars running, and after a lengthy battle, we lost our house and a car.  I was back at the point where I wanted to end it all.  I was a failure at life as a child, as a boyfriend, as a husband and as a provider.  I would have given anything for something to have happen to me.  My best friend Jason and I had gotten a rap group off the ground called “da phamilee”.  We were performing on the landing in St. Louis a lot.  It was a little break from the norm of day-to-day life, but it didn’t pan out.  You could put the blame on him, or on me but who cares really it didn’t work.  I wanted so badly to escape this private hell I was in.  I am sure Brooke was dealing with some things too, but I don’t know what was in her head.  I was sure she loved our son, but I was also sure that she hated me.  No matter what she said, I couldn’t shake it.  I knew that if you loved someone you wouldn’t make them beg you for attention only to give it to them begrudgingly.  I knew that if you loved someone you would be by their side and try to get things better, and I wasn’t getting that.  Brooke knew it too.  It wasn’t some big secret thing I was going through, she knew things weren’t going in the direction that we wanted, but what could we do?  Neither one of us was going to get a divorce, that was for quitters.  We just needed to get away.  One year with our income tax, we went away for a weekend just to Grafton, but it was a getaway.  We spent 2 days there and it was fun, but it didn’t spark any new flames.  We went the next year to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, and we had a good time there too.  I got to drive her into Green Forest and to Harrison and show her my old homes and the places where things went bad.  One year, we even spent most of our tax money on a trip to Florida, but that was after Mackenzie was born.  Yes, when we lost our house, we moved into my parents’ home.  We slept on a mattress on the floor, and Brooke was pregnant again.  It must have been one of those “off nights” that we had some kind of relation, be it begrudgingly or not.  We knew we were having a girl and we were both excited, although I think Brooke was excited about the baby, but not having another baby with me.  I am sure even today that a pretty large part of her hates me with the same amount of passion that she used to love me with.  Let’s see you go through your day-to-day life knowing what I know and going through what I have been through.  You wouldn’t last 5 minutes.  But I have managed to be a little strong, if not a lot stubborn and I can’t get out because I’m also not a quitter.  Mackenzie quickly became a part of the family on October 6, 1999.  Three years into a rocky marriage and an even rockier relationship, these 2 kids were the glue holding it all together.  Mackenzie looked like me from the start. She had a big head and light hair.  We would sit together with Jordan watching wrestling every week and playing, and Kenzie would try all of the foods that I ate.  But there is a bigger part of this story that I have skipped, so I am going to backtrack just a bit, to fill in a gap or 2.  Grandma Rowland had been very ill for a while and had needed to be taken to the doctor once a month or once a week.  Everyone in the family that she asked to take her, came up with different excuses as to why they couldn’t do it.  I call it an excuse, because if you want to do something for someone, you just do it, your boss will understand why you need to leave work.  I know this because Brooke and I were the last people asked to take her to her appointments.  We were last because her grandmas knew we didn’t have a lot of money and we couldn’t afford to leave work.  My boss was totally understanding and let me leave early when we needed to take her.  We would get there and get her into her wheelchair and into the car.  We talked to Grandma Rowland the whole way there and as we waited in the waiting room.  After her appointments, Grandma Rowland would usually take us out to eat.  This was her way of getting out of the house for a little longer and thanking us for taking her.  I bonded with her during these times and it was our pleasure to have had that extra time with her.  She soon fell ill enough to have to be in the hospital.  Grandma Rowland went in for a check up and ended up being admitted.  She was in the hospital for a couple days that turned into a couple weeks that turned into a month or so.  She was fading in and out of consciousness and always asking if Brooke and the kids had everything they needed.  It was amazing to me, that this woman who was dying, still had others on her mind, and it was even more special that it was my family she was worried about.  Brooke and I decided we were going to name our baby after Grandma Rowland.  We couldn’t put Mattie together with anything we liked, so we gave our baby, her middle name, Elizabeth.  When we told Marye our decision, she cried and thanked us.  This was too, our pleasure, as we wanted Grandma Rowland to be a part of our baby’s life forever.  Marye had went back to the hospital to see Grandma Rowland, and while she was there she told her about our baby’s name and that Brooke had everything she needed and that the baby was all right.  She gathered the strength to tell her it was okay to let go, and with that, Grandma Rowland passed away.  The very next week, Mackenzie Elizabeth Arnel was here.  The thing that made me mad about it all was that I was asked to be one of the pallbearers and then I was edged out at the last minute.  I was hurt because the ones how edged me out, were the same people who wouldn’t take her to the doctor, who didn’t spend that time with her, and they asked me to do this last thing for her, and then took it away.  The other thing that still makes me mad to this day is those same people saying that they wished they had spent more time with her.  You could have, but you were too busy to take her to the doctor, you were too preoccupied with your own lives.  We did it out of love and out of respect for her, and if others would have done the same, they would have gotten the time with her that they now miss.  A tree was planted in her memory at Marye’s house.  It grows and grows each year and everyone tries to decorate it at Christmas.  Life without Grandma Rowland wouldn’t get any easier either.  Every family has a patriarch and Grandma Rowland was all of ours.  Once she was gone, people stopped coming around just to drop in.  Now everyone only gets together on the “have to holidays”, like Christmas and Thanksgiving.  And every year those same folks say how they miss her, and though I believe they do, I think to myself how much more time they could have gotten if all they would have done was take an hour or two out of their schedules to help her.  Grandma Rowland didn’t ask for much so when she did, I felt it was everyone’s duty to comply.  She helped raise almost everyone in the family, it would have been the least they could have done.  Marye and Vicki are really the only ones who have done more than a person is required to do.  They were there for it all, good and bad, and Marye took care of her every single day.  Marye and Vicki both have had bad luck in the male department, and I know that they both wanted better than me for Brooke.  I understand this, because I wanted so much more for our lives than the hand that we’ve been dealt.  Vicki has always accepted me, right or wrong and has never let a negative word about me slip in my presence.  Marye, has always been good to me, but she has never minced her words.  I know that she wishes Brooke had gotten a better life.  I can say with almost 100% certainty that no one will ever love Brooke the way I do, except for her mom, dad and grandma.  The reason I don’t go out of my mind and the reason I am still able to function has everything to do with Brooke and her love for me.  She has really been the one to accept me.  I still to this day have issues with love.  I don’t think I am worth the time or trouble for someone to love me.  The past isn’t my fault, but it’s a lot of baggage that always gets opened and it’s hard to deal with.  Brooke deals with it, and helps me deal with it, with integrity and grace.  So to her, I am eternally grateful.  The next few years are pretty uneventful, and then we found out that we were pregnant again and we had a baby boy in October of 2005 named Chase Michael.  Chase is taken from my dad’s name, Charles. Michael is Brooke’s dad’s name.  Brooke didn’t like Charles, so we compromised with Chase.  Chase is a spitting image of me as a toddler.  And, with that, you are pretty much up to date on my life.  Some of the stories and things I did were left out simply because they aren’t relevant to the point.  As you have read things that I have been through will probably have you thinking that it’s partially made up.  I can assure you that no one who has ever been through the type of life that I have could make this up.  I wrote this record of my life not in vein, but so that my kids will always know where I came from.  I pulled no punches and kept nothing back, because if you’re going to tell it, you might as well tell it.  And with that, I am getting closer to closing a major point of my life, the past. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope you now have a better understanding of who I am, and why I am the person that I am today.

 I have learned some valuable lessons in my years. I have learned that you should do unto others as they do unto you.  In this day and age, perhaps you should do unto others before they do unto you.  Trust yourself before you trust anyone else.  Some people have your best interests at heart, but most people in this world are out for self.  People will take advantage of you if you let them.  They will do it again and again until you put a stop to it.  You should never be dishonest.  Nobody likes a liar.  You should only get the things in life that you can afford to get.  You shouldn’t ever steal.  If there is one thing that I want to see is the Arnel name get back the dignity that it was given to my dad with.  I have learned that other people will say bad things about you with no merit, no provocation, and expect you to bite your tongue.  No one wants to be the first one to say anything, but if you do not say what you have to say, your wishes will go unaccomplished.  A person I know said it best, “A closed mouth never gets fed”.  You should follow your own heart and your own instincts.  Never be a follower.  Be the one being followed, and lead others in the right direction.  If you see a wrong, and you have the power to change it, make it right.  Love the people in your life who have given you love.  There is nothing wrong with saying you love someone.  If the world ever gets on your shoulders and is too heavy to carry, you always have someone to talk to because GOD doesn’t have caller ID.  Some people, even a mom or a dad, will take advantage of a situation and turn your life upside down.  They will imply that they did it for you. They may even try to make you feel like it was your fault.  You have NO control is the actions of anyone but yourself.  You make the decisions and have to live with the consequences of those actions.  If you do the crime, do the time.  Do not try to drag others into the same trouble that you are in.  If you did it alone, take the punishment.  If others were involved, it’s your responsibility to let someone know.  No one will take the fall for you, and in turn, you should never take the fall for anyone else.  If you’re lucky, you will meet your soul mate and spend the rest of your life with them.  Once you have that someone in your life be faithful to them.  It’s always easier to give up, but a real winner will stay the course. To speak without thinking, is to shoot without aiming. And lastly, someone said summed it up best when they said, “To live is to suffer, but to survive is to find meaning behind the suffering”.  Thank you for reading the memoirs of this retarded dis-figured clown.