Wednesday, May 30, 2012

i met u

i've been around,
i've had my fun,
i've been wound up,
and come all undone.. at least a time or 2,
then i met u,

i've been on my feet standing 10 feet tall,
down on my knees feeling less than small,
had head held high and my back gainst the wall..
at least a time or 2..
then i met u,

but i've never had a drink i couldn't put down,
never really needed anyone around,
good or bad, i've alway kept me feet on the ground,
then i met u.. yeah..i met u,

now i just wanna be the best damn man,
turn all my "i can'ts" to "yes i can's",
and i wanna see that pretty little smile on ur face,
wanna do all the things that a man should do,
2 hear just 4 important words from u.."christopher, i want u"

feel your hands caress my face,
eyes meet mine and then erase the space,
between 2 hearts beating 2gether,
and a simple kiss turns in2 one long night,

that's when everything's all right,

i quit hoping that i'd find someone true,
i quit looking.. then i met you :)

dumps in the down

soul is gaining momentum,
heading towards the hill,
learning to love myself,
feeling more full-filled,
then another bump in the road,
another rage another call,
another "you're a fucking piece of shit!" today,
has my back against the wall,

i've been doing ok,
i've been smiling again,
i've been taking the time to get to know who i am,
i had taking a liking to the person inside,
happiness had moved in and the sorrow had died,
my frown had finally turned upside,
then today got thrown..dumps in the down,

i'm not the best, but far from the worst,
i do what i can, when i can, and that's a first,
i look in2 the mirror,
actually like what i see,

i've lost a few extra pounds that i didn't need,
and i've gotta lotta good friends standing beside me,
just a phone call away, but everyone is busy today,
and i'm just not feeling the same...

"i do my best it's never good enough,
i try to accomodate with every task,
seems like i have to apologize for my self discovery,
4 being strong.. yeah.. 4 being strong and in fact,
i wasn't the only 1 who chose this,
i'm just the 1 who has finally seen,
that no matter how fucking bad and self loathing i am feeling,
this world isn't gonna put on it's brakes for me,
i'm sorry that u're not there yet,
i can't make it any better, but...
i will not be told how worthless and a loser i am,
and belive it.. like i did when i was 10..,
when u do that to me, u're no better than they were then"

and i've been doing ok,
i've been smiling again,
i've been taking the time to get to know who i am,
i am taking a liking to the person inside,
Christopher lives, Chris has died,
my frown has finally turned upside,
and no matter what happens i won't allow myself to go..
dumps in the down..

i'm not going there again,
no longer a boy but i know i'm a damn good man,

i won't go dumps in the down..

Monday, May 28, 2012

another heart beat

another voice,
another emotion,
another breath,
another pulse,
i need another heartbeat in this room,

the darkness is twice as dark,
the chill twice as cold,
the ambiance is eerie and oh,
the calmn is way too calmn,

the want is growning stronger,
i can't wait much longer,
i need another,
heart beat in this room,

sleep is just an after thought,
dreaming is absurd,
mumbling only what my mind can hear,
what's the use in speaking words,

skin longs for touching,
eyes long to connect,
body needs another 98 & 6 degree temperature,
to lay right next,

another voice,
another emotion,
another breath,
another pulse,
can't happen too soon,
i need another heartbeat in this room,

the want is growing stronger,
i can't take it much longer,
i need another heart .. beat .. in,
this room,

the man in the moon is my only confidant,
and i know he's gettin' tired of dealin' with me,
there's got to be others out there in the same boat,
feelin' the same lonley as me...

i'm talkin' bout,
another voice,
another pair of eyes,
another pair of lips,
another breath,
another pulse,
can't happen too soon,
i need another heartbeat..
i'm longing for another heartbeat,

in this room,



Monday, May 21, 2012


Well in an earlier post, i explained how i met my brother,Curt and his lovely wife Vikki, and this post will explain another meeting.. My Older (hahahahahahaha) sister, Debbie.  Curt told me that i had sisters and that one day he would get us all together, but saturday night i was bored, so i looked on his facebook page and found Debbie's name.  I clicked on her page, and sent a friend request.  To my surprise she accepted rather quickly and we started talking over facebook.messenger. We hit it off and it seems we have a lot in common. Had we grown up together, we woulda got into a ton of trouble.  Although she is a couple years older, we are like twins, and have the same sense of humor. We have been texting a lot the past two days n i cannot wait till we get to meet up next month.  Debbie has 2 sisters and hopefully i can meet them and they like me as well. I dont know the story of how we all came to be, how the relationships with our mothers played out, but i am thankful that it follwed this course, because i have had some great people come into my life recently, and i wouldn't change a anything except all the time thats passed.  i am truly overjoyed at this new discovery and cannot wait to see what the future holds for my ever growing family! :)

Friday, May 18, 2012

Good Man

tired of sleepin' in this bed at night,
there's no one there, by my side 2 hold,
tired of wakin' up every day knowin',
that it's another day of bein' alone,

meander my whole day at work,
not gettin' a damn thing done,
forcin' smiles, fighting back the tears,
tryin' hard 2 adjust 2 the new me i've become,

when all i want is 2 see a pair of eyes welcoming me,
home from work, 2 dinner and maybe a movie,
hold my hand, maybe sneak a lil kiss on the cheek,

someone that will stand up 2 their friends,
whenever they are asked just who i am,
nothing 2 shakespearean, just as simple as can be,

"he's a good man, a do what he should man,
a little more than the others would man,
a love me like nobody could man,
a honey that fits just right man,
and u may not like him,
but he's my man"

just wanna be good enough,
for somebody 2 wanna love,
instead of feelin' like these lonely days are here 2 stay,

someone i can sing a couple songs 2,
somewhat of a muse that i can write for,
someone that i can make smile,

someone that can make me smile,
when i wanna cry,
i know u're out there,
if u're willing 2 give it a try..

i'd like 2 think that i'm a good man,
that i'm a do what i should man,
do a little more than the others would man,
i know i'm a love u like nobody could man,
a honey that fits just right man,
a nothing like u've ever had before man,
and if anybody asks me who i am,

i wanna tell em i'm your man...

if u can speak loud of me,
tell me on occasion u're proud of me,
look forward 2 being around me,
i can give u all of me.. if u would take all of me,

cuz baby i'm a good man,
a do just what i should man,
i'm a do a little more than the others would man,
cuz i'm a love u like nobody could man,
a honey that fits just right man,
a nothing like u've ever had before man,
and if anybody asks me who i am,

i'll tell em i'm your man...

yeah baby.. i'm a good man,

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Real Men vs. Dbags

"Time for all of us 2 man up,
if theres any real men round here, put ur hands up,
stand up and be insulted
and downed by the opposite,
no matter how good we are,
we still don't amount to shit,
but the dbags get the girl and how, guess its true, drama makes the world go round, and now,
the truth hurts,
we put up the action,
but they fall for the words,
bullshit so smooth and prevalent, anyone better than a loser is irrelevant"

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Good Enough

U'll never get 2 hear my voice say
I love u,
U'll never know how it feels 2 be the subject of a song,

U'll never know how it feels 2 be kissed,
Just Because,
And U'll never know how it feels when 2 souls become ...1

Cuz i dont fit,
The description of what u have in mind,
Doesnt matter if i'm a good man,
Loving and Kind,
I'm not worth the time of day u have 2 give..
Cuz i dont fit the profile,
Oh no,
I'm not ur type..

U'll never know what it's like 2 trust,
U'll never know what it's like 2 combine lust..and love,
U'll never know how it feels 2 get roses just..because .. U're u,
Cuz u gotta certain fantasy in mind,
And it won't come true,

But i dont fit the format or the playlist ur on,
I'd be around and u prefer ur man 2 be gone, so u can worry bout who and what he's doin,
No i don't fit the fantasy that u have in mind,
And it'll never come true,
We could be good,
But u think i'm not good..enough for u,
Cuz i'm not ur type..

So keep on keepin on with that vision.of what mr perfect's gonna be,
Long flowing hair,6pack abs, sweeping u off ur feet,
And when it doesnt happen, i'll be in the back laughin' when u come cryin' to me,

U see,

Everything u're dreaming of in a man,
I am

But i'm..not ur type..
I'm not good enough 4 u...

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Types... Really??

   First off, ONLY the shallowest of people perscribe themselves to ONLY talking to or giving those a chance who fit their type.  We all have a list of the things that we like in the opposite sex. Weather a certain hair color, height, weight, big chest, small waist, 6 pack abs, money.   The problem with "types" are that they put u into a very limited space looking for people who do not exist outside of Hollywood characters.
  Channing Tatum, Ryan Goesling, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sandra Bullock and Scarlett Johannson are characters who, in real life are nothing like the people they portray on the big screen. People in your area of availability are REAL people with REAL flaws, and couls never fit that mold. 
    There is no IDEAL person for any of us. The only TYPE u should have is simple..Not A Douche Bag!  Not seeing a particular person as someone u would spend the time to get to know, could be u passing up on what could either be an epic fail or maybe, just maybe ur soulmate. 
     I'm sure that even in ur most perfect of days, have a number of flaws that u are insecure about. U would hate to have someone who is "your type" point them out to u or sadly worse, tell u basically u aren't good enough for them. 
    Who doesn't wish they were chisled out of a rock? Who doesn't wish they had perfect flowing hair, the best features and the fattest wallet to go along with it? We all do! perfection is not obtainable and none of us can fit that "type".  Far too many guys and girls alike, have to pay for the mistakes of the last relationship. That makes total sense because all guys and gals are the same, and if the last one screwed u over, chances are the next one will too. Not! Who WILL screw u over is yourself! U screw yourself because.of a "type". The people that fit any of the desireables or must haves, are gonna let u down everytime because they cannot live up to ur expectations.  However, if u journeyed outside the box and took a look around, u might notice that man or woman that, once u took the.time to know them, are just exactly what u have been looking for ur whole life...


Monday, May 7, 2012


Not thru the eyes of others,
i don't care what they've seen,
all that matters, is how u r 2 me,
i dont need the words of others tellin me what i should do,
all i need 2 know is u..
thru ur actions & more,
i care who u r now,
not who u were b4,

i'm not looking 4 perfection,
god knows i have my flaws,
just someone who thinks about me,
looks 4ward 2 my calls,

laugh when i am funny,
smile when i'm not,
make me feel like i am wealthy,
don't count what i don't got,

kiss me cuz u've missed me,
hug me because u care,
hold hands when we watch a movie,
appreciate that i am there,

don't hold all ur feelings,
deep inside u, let em flow,
if u love me say u love me,
if something's on ur mind,
let me know,

make love like we're the only,
2 people in this world,
don't be ashamed 2 tell..
any and everyone u're my girl,

speak highly of me,
when asked from ur friends,
be real always, nothing fake or pretend,
and take when it's given,
and give 100 percent,

never be conserned with the thoughts of others,
while their rumors play the game,
love me cuz u love me,
and i'll love u the same..

Not thru the eyes of others,
don't care what they've seen,
all that matters, is how u r 2 me,
i dont need the words of others tellin me what i should do,
all i need 2 know is u..
thru ur actions & more,
i care who u r now,
not who u were b4,

Love me for who i am now,
not who i was be4

Sunday, May 6, 2012

A Family BBQ

Today was one of the best days i've had in weeks.  It was a stress free day and it was spent with family.  I got to spend the day with my younger brother, Curt, his wife Vikki and their friends, Jeff & Hana.  It was great to visit and catch up, and get to know these members of my family that i have only recently been in touch with and have had the pleasure of getting to know.  I met Curt about 8 years ago, thru my Uncle Jim.  Jim had told me the story of the date that my mom had with Curt's dad way back in 1975.  Donald Troutman had asked my uncle Jim if he could take my mom to a movie.  Jim said it was her decision, and apparently her decision was yes.  They went to a drive in and well things progressed and 9 months later, Christopher David Troutman was born.  The things is, Donald was also in an off again on again relationship with his then soon to be wife, and he never knew about me.  I never knew about him, either as my mom didn't offer up a story and my uncles were sworn to secracy.  I was always told my dad was a guy who moved as far away across the country as he could get to be away from me because he didn't believe i was his.  **guess he was right** My mom met my dad, Charles Lee Arnel when i was 1 or 2 and soon they were married and when i was 7 i was adopted by him.  Charles has always been my dad and i never went without knowing i had a dad, and i always knew he loved me, and i wasn't deprived of that relationship.  Fast Forward to 8 years ago, my uncle Jim told me the story and set up a meeting between Curt and myself.  I was so nervous as i waited in the restraunt for him to arrive.  Once he walked in there was no doubt that we were siblings.  Curt, a little shorter than me, had the same face, same head, same build. It was like looking into a fun house mirror.  Curt and i hit it off, and hung out a few times, but then lost touch as life happened.  Couple months ago, i found Curt on facebook and we started talking again.  It felt awesome to know that my brother wanted a relationship with me too, and we began trying to find time to hang out.  I met his wife Vikki when Curt came to my house to look at my car and he introduced me as his brother.  That was a proud moment in my life, that even though we haven't been close he still considered me, as i considered him, a brother.  Couple weekends ago, Curt put a stereo in my new truck for me, so we got to spend a couple hours hanging out.  Today i was over there pretty much the entire day and into the evening for a bbq and swimming.  It was awesome to be around my family and to be treated as though they really wanted me there.  my son, Chase was with me, and they really seemed to enjoy him as well. Curt's wife,Vikki got a lesson on all things Transformers and Star Wars from my 6 year old, and let Chase help her finish dessert.  i am looking forward to the future of getting to know Curt and Vikki better and hanging out more.  I also look forward to getting to know a little more about Donald Troutman.  I met his widow when Curt did my stereo, and she seemed like a lovely person, and i also look forward to getting to know her.  With so much turmoil and questioning going on in my life, i feel like for once i am not alone.  I feel like things, no matter which way they go, will be okay.  Thanks to Curt, Vikki, Jeff & Hana for a great day!!