I'm just a snowflake,
u r the surface of the sun,
I might not have a chance,
but I ain't giving up,
we could go together & have something nice,
a beautiful Love story about
fire...
and ice..
outta my league,
sure it's true that u might be,
but I think, if u'd look at me u'd see,
someone who cares,
someone who can be everything,
u'll ever need,
I gotta believe that someone has let u down,
and I just wanna lift u up...
show u a real, show u a real,
real love...
i'm just a snowflake,
u're the surface of the sun,
I might not have a chance,
but I ain't givin' up,
we could be together and have something nice,
a beautiful love story about,
fire...
and ice,
u don't have to over think it,
u don't have to ask your friends' opinion,
just think about the way I make u laugh,
and listen to the beating of ur heart,
whenever a smile starts to cross ur pretty face,
tell me what does it say....
cuz even tho i'm a snowflake,
and u're the surface of the sun,
i might be foolish,
but i ain't givin' up,
we could be together,
if u would only think twice,
a beautiful love story about,
fire and ice.....
u know that love doesn't come with all the obvious signs,
it could be the secret language spoken between ur heart and mine,
and who's to say it's not worth it, to give it a try,
oh why...... won't u give it a try.....
i'm a snowflake.. u're the surface of the sun,
i know i don't have a chance,
but i'm not ready 2 give up,
we could be together,
if u'd only give it a try,
a beautiful love story,
about....
fire and ice....
opposites sometimes attract like fire...and .... ice...
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 24, 2012
20 Years in the Making
could it be,
that ur smile,
makes me smile,
and makes the wait worth while,
could it be that it makes sense of madness,
could it be that just ur laugh by itself,
could take away half,
of the sadness..that I've felt,
I don't know what it is about u,
but i'm kinda diggin' the thought,
of what it could come 2 be,
20 years in the making,
I can't wait 2 see,
what could come of u and me,
making u laugh is not a task at all,
it's what comes natural,
and it echoes thru my mind,
like an angel singing,
ur disposition is so kind that I,
know that if we took the time,
we could make something of what seems 2 be there,
20 years in the making,
I can't wait 2 see,
what could come of u and me,
there's already chemistry,
I feel it,
I think that u feel it too,
and I believe that if we take our time,
really try and see it thru,
that u'll look at me when I look at u and all things will make sense,
and then....
20 years in the making,
there could finally be,
a u and me...
20 years in the making,
there could finally be,
a... u and me...
could it be,
that ur smile,
makes me smile,
and makes the wait worth while,
20 years in the making...
that ur smile,
makes me smile,
and makes the wait worth while,
could it be that it makes sense of madness,
could it be that just ur laugh by itself,
could take away half,
of the sadness..that I've felt,
I don't know what it is about u,
but i'm kinda diggin' the thought,
of what it could come 2 be,
20 years in the making,
I can't wait 2 see,
what could come of u and me,
making u laugh is not a task at all,
it's what comes natural,
and it echoes thru my mind,
like an angel singing,
ur disposition is so kind that I,
know that if we took the time,
we could make something of what seems 2 be there,
20 years in the making,
I can't wait 2 see,
what could come of u and me,
there's already chemistry,
I feel it,
I think that u feel it too,
and I believe that if we take our time,
really try and see it thru,
that u'll look at me when I look at u and all things will make sense,
and then....
20 years in the making,
there could finally be,
a u and me...
20 years in the making,
there could finally be,
a... u and me...
could it be,
that ur smile,
makes me smile,
and makes the wait worth while,
20 years in the making...
Friday, December 21, 2012
If u're reading this
If u're reading this...
I couldn't take no more,
This wasn't a life at all,
It was much more like a war,
If u're reading this,
I tried with all my might,
Thought I was strong,
But I wasn't strong enough to win the fight,
If u're reading this....
I finally got the nerve,
2 tell this world goodbye,
2 go out before this last tear,
Fell from my eye,
Couldn't keep the game face on,
Couldn't face the truth,
Couldn't go another day,
Did what I had 2 do,
So if u're reading this,
I'm already gone..
If u're reading this,
I loved u more than life,
I was far less than a husband should b,
But u were a good wife,
Kiss my babies,
Tell em daddy really tried,
But get couldn't escape the pain,
He had deep inside,
Tell my baby sis,
She was everything 2 me,
I did what I had 2 do,
2 make sure she was okay,
And tho I'm no longer here,
I'll be watching her grow old,
Ask her to keep a good memory of her weak and bigger bro,
If I've reading this.....
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
CPTSD
I come to u humble and tired.. weak..breathing interrupted..longing for your acceptance...
longing for your approval... time and time again, u've turned me away, time and time again, u have turned your back on me... time and time again, u said.. get over it.. u dismissed me .. "pity party..table for one please!" was the excuse.. there's nothing wrong with me.. just wanted your attention.. i'm a seeker.. well.....
today was my first counselling session. Dr. Leslie was nice, and very easy to talk to. i was really scared and nervous to tell another adult about what happened to me. you see, most of the people i know, dismissed me as just being an asshole or being a big baby when it came to dealing with my past. For those of u that don't know what the hell i'm talking about, let's recap shall we.
from age 10-14, i was repeatedly sexually,mentally and physically abused almost on a daily basis. i was beaten so bad i would wake up in a hall closet not knowing where i was, only knowing i could taste blood in my cheek and mouth, and that my face was swollen and my eyes wouldn't open.
i've dealt with these things since escaping in 1989.
finally after making bad choices and self destructive decisions for most of my adult life, i decided to seek out help.
Dr. Leslie heard my story and she said that i have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
i've done countless research since i've been home today, and all of the symptoms fit me perfectly.
so i will be adding links and i will be posting as much info as i can get on this illness and tracking my treatments.
for starters, here are some great reads...
http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm
http://www.outofthefog.net/Disorders/CPTSD.html#CPTSDWhatItFeelsLike
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/pages/complex-ptsd.asp
http://ptsd.about.com/od/ptsdbasics/a/ComplexPTSD.htm
thanks for continuing to visit my blog and for the support.
MADD
Monday, December 17, 2012
Stand Still
Wheels spinning a left on sunset,
Riding round thinking bout all the shit that I ain't done yet,
Are We having fun yet?
Nah man, I really ain't been trying shit,
Motherfuckers bringing me down,
I gotta find my way up,
Waiting on this job so I can finally show this pay stub,
Bullshit at a peak,
Man It's waist up,
I Hope happiness ain't too far away,
I really need a taste of,
That good life,
Not being hungry,
Not havin to pay a damn bill,
All this mundane day to day,
Got me at a stand still...
Riding round thinking bout all the shit that I ain't done yet,
Are We having fun yet?
Nah man, I really ain't been trying shit,
Motherfuckers bringing me down,
I gotta find my way up,
Waiting on this job so I can finally show this pay stub,
Bullshit at a peak,
Man It's waist up,
I Hope happiness ain't too far away,
I really need a taste of,
That good life,
Not being hungry,
Not havin to pay a damn bill,
All this mundane day to day,
Got me at a stand still...
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Always Yes
will i,..
open doors and pull out chairs for u,
write notes to tell how much i care 4 u,
sing ur favorite song, while we slow dance,
the answer's always yes,
will i,
call u up and thank u for lovin' me,
buy u flowers "just because" randomly,
pick up ur favorite food on my way home,
and then clean up the mess,
the answer's always yes,
i do the things i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
will i,
show up at your job with a picnic made,
take u 2 the park & kiss in the shade,
carve in that big ol tree.. u plus chris..
the answer's always yes,
will i,
answer the phone every time that u call,
twenty four seven it don't matter at all,
there's nothing 2 hide, nothing 2 confess,
am i faithful and true,
the answer's always yes,
will i,
get down on one knee if the feeling is right,
and ask u 2 be my girl 4 the rest of my life,
and pray like hell that in ur next breath,
the answer will be yes....
i do the things that i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
i'm more than a man,
because i'm YOUR MAN,
and i'm gonna give u everything that i can,
2 show u just how much of my life u've blessed,
all u have 2 do is ask,
the answer's always yes,
i do the things that i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
whatever u need from me,
the answer's always yes....
open doors and pull out chairs for u,
write notes to tell how much i care 4 u,
sing ur favorite song, while we slow dance,
the answer's always yes,
will i,
call u up and thank u for lovin' me,
buy u flowers "just because" randomly,
pick up ur favorite food on my way home,
and then clean up the mess,
the answer's always yes,
i do the things i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
will i,
show up at your job with a picnic made,
take u 2 the park & kiss in the shade,
carve in that big ol tree.. u plus chris..
the answer's always yes,
will i,
answer the phone every time that u call,
twenty four seven it don't matter at all,
there's nothing 2 hide, nothing 2 confess,
am i faithful and true,
the answer's always yes,
will i,
get down on one knee if the feeling is right,
and ask u 2 be my girl 4 the rest of my life,
and pray like hell that in ur next breath,
the answer will be yes....
i do the things that i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
i'm more than a man,
because i'm YOUR MAN,
and i'm gonna give u everything that i can,
2 show u just how much of my life u've blessed,
all u have 2 do is ask,
the answer's always yes,
i do the things that i do,
because i want 2,
and because i,
really want u,
2 know everyday, in every way,
that i'm blessed 2 be in your glance,
u took a chance on me,
and held me in ur arms,
u promised the moon,
and u gave it and all of the stars,
so u should know how loved u are,
and never have 2 guess,
so no matter what u ask of me,,,,
the answer's always yes
whatever u need from me,
the answer's always yes....
Sunday, November 4, 2012
weekends in November
who's bed did i wake up in,
what the hell's her name?
after the second round of shots last night,
i can't remember a thing,
i'm not sure what town i'm in,
where did i park my truck,
since the day that u left me,
i just don't care enough,
3rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the 4th day of November..
gonna start all over again,
once i get myself home,
i'm gonna freshen up,
make a pot of ur favoite coffee,
have myself a cup,
then it's off to the tavern,
where i'll meet "what's her name".
we'll have a few then have another,
and then we'll play the game,
and when i wake up tomorrow,
lookin' for my shirt,
my stomach will be tied in knots,
and my poor heart will hurt,
but these nights are cold and lonley,
and i can't face them alone,
so i'll go out and have a few,
and wake up in another strangers home,
4th day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the nextr weekend of November..
gonna start all over again,....
i don't know why u left,
when i needed u most,
but the only thing i see,
is myself in the bar room mirror,
wond'rin what the hell is wrong with me,
some honky tonk angel,
is gonna try & take the pain away,
and for a minute i'll forget about u,
but tomorrow i'll be back to not ok...
3rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the 4th day of November..
gonna start all over again,
4rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the next weekend in November..
gonna start all over again,
what the hell's her name?
after the second round of shots last night,
i can't remember a thing,
i'm not sure what town i'm in,
where did i park my truck,
since the day that u left me,
i just don't care enough,
3rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the 4th day of November..
gonna start all over again,
once i get myself home,
i'm gonna freshen up,
make a pot of ur favoite coffee,
have myself a cup,
then it's off to the tavern,
where i'll meet "what's her name".
we'll have a few then have another,
and then we'll play the game,
and when i wake up tomorrow,
lookin' for my shirt,
my stomach will be tied in knots,
and my poor heart will hurt,
but these nights are cold and lonley,
and i can't face them alone,
so i'll go out and have a few,
and wake up in another strangers home,
4th day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the nextr weekend of November..
gonna start all over again,....
i don't know why u left,
when i needed u most,
but the only thing i see,
is myself in the bar room mirror,
wond'rin what the hell is wrong with me,
some honky tonk angel,
is gonna try & take the pain away,
and for a minute i'll forget about u,
but tomorrow i'll be back to not ok...
3rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the 4th day of November..
gonna start all over again,
4rd day of November,
2 me is a mystery,
text messages on my phone,
say it will go down in history,
but i,
can't remember where i was,
or what it was i did,
i was tryin' to get over u,
but it just ain't happenin',
so the next weekend in November..
gonna start all over again,
Friday, November 2, 2012
tales of a 4th grade nothing
woke up again around 4 in the mornin,
my whole face is swollen,
blood all in my mouth,
i think my jaw is broken,
how'm i gonna go to school,
what will my excuse be?
instead of getting breakfast,
i'm thrown in the hall closet,
no food no water nothing but my thoughts it's,
another 3 days in solitary confinement,
tryin' to force my face back into alignment,
...what happened last night,
i can't rewind it,
i think it's my thoughts protecting me,
don't wanna be reminded,
i'm blinded in 1 eye, it won't even open,
that i could get away from this place,
i'm always hopin',
the fuck i coulda done to get it this bad this time,
i just wanted to be left alone,
no "party" this night,
but hind sight's 20/20,
i shouldn't have fought back,
and my mouth wouldn't be jacked,
and my eye wouldn't be blue and black,
10 years old wond'rin' why this is happenin,
can't understand where my life went,
and why i can't get it back again,
why'd my momma leave me,
why'd the take my daddy,
whey they forcin' themselves on me,
and beatin' the shit outta me,
i just want somebody to come lookin' for me to escape me,
before the next time they wake me,
or i pray the lord will take me,
maybe he hates me,
why else would he ever foresake me,
they told me he loved me,
but nobody loves me,
nobody hugs me,
they just beat me and touch me,
hurt me,
i really wanna get out,
i can't even open my mouth to scream,
don't matter it won't let out,
nobody notices the absent kid from class,
nobody asks questions,
nobdy even fuckin' asks,
why there are bruises,
why there are scratches and bite marks,
and scabs over scabs on all of my scars,
why i never look anybody in the eye,
and why i always look like just about 2 cry,
when i get home about 3:30,
walk in the front door,
they'll resume the hurting...
my whole face is swollen,
blood all in my mouth,
i think my jaw is broken,
how'm i gonna go to school,
what will my excuse be?
instead of getting breakfast,
i'm thrown in the hall closet,
no food no water nothing but my thoughts it's,
another 3 days in solitary confinement,
tryin' to force my face back into alignment,
...what happened last night,
i can't rewind it,
i think it's my thoughts protecting me,
don't wanna be reminded,
i'm blinded in 1 eye, it won't even open,
that i could get away from this place,
i'm always hopin',
the fuck i coulda done to get it this bad this time,
i just wanted to be left alone,
no "party" this night,
but hind sight's 20/20,
i shouldn't have fought back,
and my mouth wouldn't be jacked,
and my eye wouldn't be blue and black,
10 years old wond'rin' why this is happenin,
can't understand where my life went,
and why i can't get it back again,
why'd my momma leave me,
why'd the take my daddy,
whey they forcin' themselves on me,
and beatin' the shit outta me,
i just want somebody to come lookin' for me to escape me,
before the next time they wake me,
or i pray the lord will take me,
maybe he hates me,
why else would he ever foresake me,
they told me he loved me,
but nobody loves me,
nobody hugs me,
they just beat me and touch me,
hurt me,
i really wanna get out,
i can't even open my mouth to scream,
don't matter it won't let out,
nobody notices the absent kid from class,
nobody asks questions,
nobdy even fuckin' asks,
why there are bruises,
why there are scratches and bite marks,
and scabs over scabs on all of my scars,
why i never look anybody in the eye,
and why i always look like just about 2 cry,
when i get home about 3:30,
walk in the front door,
they'll resume the hurting...
Wanna b
I want to spend some time with u,
I want to share what's on my mind with u,
I wanna hear what interests u,
I wanna be the 1 that u turn 2,
I wanna make memories with u,
Talk 2 me, tell me bout ur day,
Tell me all ur favorite things,
Where u go, what u eat,
What's ur favorite color flower,
Tell me what brand of shoe u wear,
What kind of things u want in a man,
What's ur future plans?
maybe 2nite, we could get 2 know each other better,
Over drinks, over dinner,
We could just hang out together,
Talk about u about me and then maybe..about expectations and love.
I want to spend some time with u,
I want to share what's on my mind with u,
I wanna hear what interests u,
I wanna be the 1 that u turn 2,
I wanna make memories with u,
Tell me what ur looking for,
Tell me what the last one did,
2 become ur ex,
Tell me how u handle arguments
And the stress..
Tell me how I can become the next,
The best,
Tell me ur favorite song,
I'll sing it to u,
Do u like to dance,
Funny..I do too,
What u like to eat,
I'll cook it while u chill,
I'm the man u never thought existed,
Baby I'm for real...
I want to spend some time with u,
I want to share what's on my mind with u,
I wanna hear what interests u,
I wanna be the 1 that u turn 2,
I wanna make memories with u,
Don't miss this chance it could be so right,
This s the first day of the rest of our life,
I juat want to spend some time with u,
I want to share what's on my mind with u,
I wanna hear what interests u,
I wanna be the 1 that u turn 2,
I wanna make memories with u,
Thursday, November 1, 2012
tired
tired of never beein good enough,
tired of dealing with the fight,
tired of the daily struggle to juggle all these thoughts in my head that ain't right,
tired of bein tired and feelin' sick,
tired of pretending to be happy when i'm feelin' like shit,
tired of puttin' on a smile with tear tracks on my face,
tired of lookin' at my life thinkin' damn what a waste,
tired of not bein' good enough,never looked at twice,
tired of bein' fucked over and told i'm too damn nice,
tired of not bein' an asshole,
tired of not bein' in control,
tired of layin' in this bed alone, on this blog, pourin' out my soul,
tired of the ones who say they love me who don't give a fuck,
tired of hearing my phone not ringin, this lonliness sux,
tired of people sayin' do for self,
tired of havin' to do for self cuz that's how i'm left,
tired of going to work, comin' home and sleepin' in a lonely bed,
tired of contemplatin' suicide cuz i'd be better off dead,
tired of wondering why nobody really cares at all,
tired of always feelin' like my back's against the wall,
tired of bein' tired and feelin' sick,
tired of pretnding to be happy, when i'm feelin' like shit,
tired of bein' the one who is always put together,
tired of bein' lied to by everybody and their fuckin' mother.. cuz they clever,
tired of bein' stood up, tired of prayin', tired of talkin,
tired of people sayin' they want me till they got me then they throw away,
tired of bein' made to feel like i should just go away,
tired of hearin' bout jesus and how he died for me,
tired of hearin bout how everybody would feel sad and cry for me,
tired of feelin' like i should pack the fuck up and move away,
tired of even writin' this fuckin' blog and sayin' what i need 2 say,
tired of bein' me, tired of the struggle,
tired of the bullshit.. i just want someone to come in to the huddle,
tired of tryin' to comfort myself when i just need a hug,
tired of hearin' that they do, but nobody really givin' a fuck,
tired of bein' maddladd, tired of bein' christopher,
tired of sayin' what i'm tired of so this fuckin' shit is GAME OVEr...
tired of dealing with the fight,
tired of the daily struggle to juggle all these thoughts in my head that ain't right,
tired of bein tired and feelin' sick,
tired of pretending to be happy when i'm feelin' like shit,
tired of puttin' on a smile with tear tracks on my face,
tired of lookin' at my life thinkin' damn what a waste,
tired of not bein' good enough,never looked at twice,
tired of bein' fucked over and told i'm too damn nice,
tired of not bein' an asshole,
tired of not bein' in control,
tired of layin' in this bed alone, on this blog, pourin' out my soul,
tired of the ones who say they love me who don't give a fuck,
tired of hearing my phone not ringin, this lonliness sux,
tired of people sayin' do for self,
tired of havin' to do for self cuz that's how i'm left,
tired of going to work, comin' home and sleepin' in a lonely bed,
tired of contemplatin' suicide cuz i'd be better off dead,
tired of wondering why nobody really cares at all,
tired of always feelin' like my back's against the wall,
tired of bein' tired and feelin' sick,
tired of pretnding to be happy, when i'm feelin' like shit,
tired of bein' the one who is always put together,
tired of bein' lied to by everybody and their fuckin' mother.. cuz they clever,
tired of bein' stood up, tired of prayin', tired of talkin,
tired of people sayin' they want me till they got me then they throw away,
tired of bein' made to feel like i should just go away,
tired of hearin' bout jesus and how he died for me,
tired of hearin bout how everybody would feel sad and cry for me,
tired of feelin' like i should pack the fuck up and move away,
tired of even writin' this fuckin' blog and sayin' what i need 2 say,
tired of bein' me, tired of the struggle,
tired of the bullshit.. i just want someone to come in to the huddle,
tired of tryin' to comfort myself when i just need a hug,
tired of hearin' that they do, but nobody really givin' a fuck,
tired of bein' maddladd, tired of bein' christopher,
tired of sayin' what i'm tired of so this fuckin' shit is GAME OVEr...
Then
If I wasn't me,
If I was like he,
Is that what it would take 4 u 2 c,
That I can love u,
Like No one else will love u,
Maybe If I was a perfect 10,
would u love me then?
If I had a little more money,
Would I be worth ur time,
2 share a little conversation,
2 get inside ur mind,
Would u take a second glance,
If my eyes were more blue,
If I was a perfect 10,
would u love me then?
Ain't nobody a perfect 10...
But If I were...
Would u love me then?
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
T.S.A.
this ol bed is so lonely,
when u've no one here 2 hold,
summer just turned to autumn,
and these nights are so damn cold,
i'm tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,
takin' another pill,
or shootin' down another drink,
to try and turn my mind off u,
but what about these dreams,
i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,
pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....
tired of sleepin' alone,
when them nightmares come floodin' back,
there's no arms 2 turn into,
i wake up in a cold sweat,
but i can't talk it out to u,
i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,
u'd think that not having to share a bed,
i would sleep like a baby and get plenty of rest,
but that ain't the case, cuz i miss ur face,
and can't deal with this stress,
i'm so tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,
pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....
tired of sleepin' alone,
ooooo i'll believe i'll have another pill....
or maybe a drink will cure what ills,
i'm so tired........i'm so tired....
of sleepin' alone..
when u've no one here 2 hold,
summer just turned to autumn,
and these nights are so damn cold,
i'm tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,
takin' another pill,
or shootin' down another drink,
to try and turn my mind off u,
but what about these dreams,
i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,
pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....
tired of sleepin' alone,
when them nightmares come floodin' back,
there's no arms 2 turn into,
i wake up in a cold sweat,
but i can't talk it out to u,
i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,
u'd think that not having to share a bed,
i would sleep like a baby and get plenty of rest,
but that ain't the case, cuz i miss ur face,
and can't deal with this stress,
i'm so tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,
pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....
tired of sleepin' alone,
ooooo i'll believe i'll have another pill....
or maybe a drink will cure what ills,
i'm so tired........i'm so tired....
of sleepin' alone..
Stay & Touch
raining outside,
there's no need in going out,
be silly to head home in weather like this,
why not take ur coat off and have a drink,
spend a little extra time with your favorite Chris,
i'll put your favorite artist on the radio,
we can dance to every song that he sings,
i'll whisper in your ear your favorite lyric,
put my arms around u and won't let go,
baby don't leave...
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
could u just stay n touch,
sit down on the couch,
right here in front of me,
i'll let my lips rest upon ur neck,
put my hands on u,
play u like my favorite song,
u could go out in that storm,
or we could make love all night long,
my bed is big enough for two,
and i'll keep u nice and warm...
baby dont u leave,
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
just stay n touch,
wanna see ur pretty smile,
could u just stay n touch,
i want u so badly,
won't u just...
stay ..... n ...touch...
could u just stay.......n.....touch...
stay n touch
there's no need in going out,
be silly to head home in weather like this,
why not take ur coat off and have a drink,
spend a little extra time with your favorite Chris,
i'll put your favorite artist on the radio,
we can dance to every song that he sings,
i'll whisper in your ear your favorite lyric,
put my arms around u and won't let go,
baby don't leave...
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
could u just stay n touch,
sit down on the couch,
right here in front of me,
i'll let my lips rest upon ur neck,
put my hands on u,
play u like my favorite song,
u could go out in that storm,
or we could make love all night long,
my bed is big enough for two,
and i'll keep u nice and warm...
baby dont u leave,
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
just stay n touch,
wanna see ur pretty smile,
could u just stay n touch,
i want u so badly,
won't u just...
stay ..... n ...touch...
could u just stay.......n.....touch...
stay n touch
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Fantasy
Wish my words could make u,
With my eyes could take u,
To the places u've always dreamed,
Wish that when my hands held u,
And my words said to u,
U would feel something back for me,
But I guess it's just a fantasy,
That will never ever be,
No matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me,
Wish that I could tell u,
How just by breathing,
U give me everything,
Wish that u felt in my kiss,
Something that never felt like this,
And I would give u all of me for just half of u....
But this is just fantasy,
A fantasy that will never be,
Cuz no matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me...
I'd give all of me,
For just half of u..
This is just a fantasy,
A fantasy that will never be,
Cuz no matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me...
Friday, October 26, 2012
Woulda
Under appreciated,
Thought happiness was overrated,
Then I met u,
I was so elated,
That I,
Would stayed..
Forever...
I woulda stayed,
Forever,
Wasn't no need,
To go nowhere,
Had all I needed,
Standing right here,
So I..(so I)
Woulda stayed..(woulda stayed)
Forever,
I would stayed,
Forever,
Can't help I was a lil 2 much,
A like not enough, sometimes,
I'm doing all I can 2 keep up,
With these thoughts racing in my mind,
But I..would left...u..
Never...
I woulda stayed,
Forever...
All I wanted was love,
Love and 2 b wanted,
Freed up from these demons inside my head,
Maybe wake up next 2 u every Morning in ur bed,
And I (and I)
woulda stayed (woulda stayed)
forever...
Yeah I just thought u should know that,
I would stayed...
Forever...
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
settling
i knew,
what i was getting into,
and i still did what i wanted 2 do,
i accepted every smile, kiss and hug,
i gave them freely in return,
i did it because i wanted 2,
i never thought u held me back,
i never thought u kept me down,
u gave me love, u were around,
u turned a frown upside down,
so don't think i was settling,
i was right where i wanted 2 be,
giving and getting love,
for once that was enough,
till the day u set me free,
because u thought u were doing what's best for me,
u believed.. i was settling..
i was dreaming of what could be,
blending in2 a family,
i wanted u.. and i did what i wanted 2,
i had hoped that we could see 2morrow,
finally find what happy was all about,
i didn't think 4 1 second u were wrong 4 me,
i did what i wanted 2 do..
how could u say i was settling,
when u smiled at me the way u smiled,
drove me crazy, got me wild,
made me feel at home,
i was alone.. but i was gettin by,
but all the clouds gave way 2 sunshine,
when u walked in2 my life,
and i wasn't settling..
i did what i wanted 2 do,
i wanted 2 be with u!
i wanted 2 be with u!
what i was getting into,
and i still did what i wanted 2 do,
i accepted every smile, kiss and hug,
i gave them freely in return,
i did it because i wanted 2,
i never thought u held me back,
i never thought u kept me down,
u gave me love, u were around,
u turned a frown upside down,
so don't think i was settling,
i was right where i wanted 2 be,
giving and getting love,
for once that was enough,
till the day u set me free,
because u thought u were doing what's best for me,
u believed.. i was settling..
i was dreaming of what could be,
blending in2 a family,
i wanted u.. and i did what i wanted 2,
i had hoped that we could see 2morrow,
finally find what happy was all about,
i didn't think 4 1 second u were wrong 4 me,
i did what i wanted 2 do..
how could u say i was settling,
when u smiled at me the way u smiled,
drove me crazy, got me wild,
made me feel at home,
i was alone.. but i was gettin by,
but all the clouds gave way 2 sunshine,
when u walked in2 my life,
and i wasn't settling..
i did what i wanted 2 do,
i wanted 2 be with u!
i wanted 2 be with u!
Monday, October 22, 2012
this is me now
there were times i felt the world was passin' me by,
like everybody was goin on with their lives,
while i was falling deeper down than i could climb,
everything was movin' along just fine,
i was fighting with all my might,
but quickly losin' sight of me,
u extended a hand brought me back,
2 an amazing reality..
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now..
i was lost and i just couldn't find my way,
didn't know how i would make it thru another day,
wasn't sure if i wanted 2, i was so disenchanted,
i didn't want anything till u,
u said it would be ok,
u held me while i cried,
u took away the cold,
made me feel a warmth inside,
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now
i was a sad case,
with a sad face,
poor little woe is me,
i was at the end,
u came 2 me then,
stood by my side,
showed me the true meaning of friend,
made me wanna live again,
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now..
i wanna try happy,
i wanna try being the me i was destined 2 be,
because u showed me love..
u showed me love..
because u showed me love...
this is me ....
now..
like everybody was goin on with their lives,
while i was falling deeper down than i could climb,
everything was movin' along just fine,
i was fighting with all my might,
but quickly losin' sight of me,
u extended a hand brought me back,
2 an amazing reality..
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now..
i was lost and i just couldn't find my way,
didn't know how i would make it thru another day,
wasn't sure if i wanted 2, i was so disenchanted,
i didn't want anything till u,
u said it would be ok,
u held me while i cried,
u took away the cold,
made me feel a warmth inside,
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now
i was a sad case,
with a sad face,
poor little woe is me,
i was at the end,
u came 2 me then,
stood by my side,
showed me the true meaning of friend,
made me wanna live again,
.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now..
i wanna try happy,
i wanna try being the me i was destined 2 be,
because u showed me love..
u showed me love..
because u showed me love...
this is me ....
now..
Sunday, October 21, 2012
1 More
i got ur picture,
in my hand,
in my memory when i close my eyes,
and i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,
u were taken 2 soon,
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i know everything we ever did,
it's the greatest story ever written,
and my heart won't let it go away,
i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,
u were taken 2 soon,
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i'd hold & beg God 2 let me go with u,
i'd never let u go again,
u were my 1 true love,
everything i'd ever dreamed of,
much more than that,
u were my best friend,
u were taken 2 soon....
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i got ur picture,
in my hand..
and i'm wishin' in the other for,
one more kiss....
**tribute to a fallen friend.. u never know when u have had ur one last kiss.. never take anything for granted**
Rest In Piece Matt K.
in my hand,
in my memory when i close my eyes,
and i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,
u were taken 2 soon,
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i know everything we ever did,
it's the greatest story ever written,
and my heart won't let it go away,
i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,
u were taken 2 soon,
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i'd hold & beg God 2 let me go with u,
i'd never let u go again,
u were my 1 true love,
everything i'd ever dreamed of,
much more than that,
u were my best friend,
u were taken 2 soon....
and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,
i got ur picture,
in my hand..
and i'm wishin' in the other for,
one more kiss....
**tribute to a fallen friend.. u never know when u have had ur one last kiss.. never take anything for granted**
Rest In Piece Matt K.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
2morrow's Another Day 2 Try
see a tear,
wipe it away,
say everything's gonna be ok,
then take my hand and hold it tight in yours,
there's so much going on,
tonight i'm not gonna be strong,
no u haven't done anything wrong,
best thing u can do is to be here now,
hold me while i cry,
there's nothing u have to say,
tell me i'm gonna be alright..u know,
and tomorrow is another day to try...
tomorrow's another day 2 try..
yeah..
tomorrow's another day...
feel the beat,
of my heart on ur knee,
as i lay on u,
let it's rhythm beat,
be the pulse that u need,
2 relax my mind tonight,
i am empty, hurting, fractured,
trying 2 be whole,
so when u see a tear,
kiss it away,
tell me everything's gonna be ok,
take my hand hold it tight in yours,
and say..
it's okay 2 b sad,
it's okay 2 cry,
i'll hold u all night 2night,
but don't give up,
u've got so many reasons 2 fight,
and 2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day...
2 try...
best thing u can do is be here now,
hold me while i cry,
wipe it away,
say everything's gonna be ok,
then take my hand and hold it tight in yours,
there's so much going on,
tonight i'm not gonna be strong,
no u haven't done anything wrong,
best thing u can do is to be here now,
hold me while i cry,
there's nothing u have to say,
tell me i'm gonna be alright..u know,
and tomorrow is another day to try...
tomorrow's another day 2 try..
yeah..
tomorrow's another day...
feel the beat,
of my heart on ur knee,
as i lay on u,
let it's rhythm beat,
be the pulse that u need,
2 relax my mind tonight,
i am empty, hurting, fractured,
trying 2 be whole,
so when u see a tear,
kiss it away,
tell me everything's gonna be ok,
take my hand hold it tight in yours,
and say..
it's okay 2 b sad,
it's okay 2 cry,
i'll hold u all night 2night,
but don't give up,
u've got so many reasons 2 fight,
and 2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day...
2 try...
best thing u can do is be here now,
hold me while i cry,
Before Your Eyes
As the day time,
Turns 2 sunset,
And the night fall,
Brings the rain,
I will lay here,
In the bedroom,
Succumbing 2 the pain,
Accelerating heart flutter,
Blood pressure rising,
It's here again,
While u're out there,
Playing chances,
Passing glances,
Looking for something more,
I will slowly turn the razor,
Let the droplets hit the floor,
And as the evening,
Turns 2 midnight,
When the morning starts 2 rise,
What u find here,
When u leave his bed,
Shouldn't be,
A big surprise,
I was hurting,
U were laughing,
U didn't comfort,
Didn't care,
So when u ran to,
another's bedroom,
I too, decided,
2 leave here...
No note explaining,
If u didn't see what,
Was right,
Before ur eyes.....
Un4gettable
Baby if hands were made 4 holding,
Maybe u could show me,
Put ur hand in mine,
If u really wanted 2 get 2 know me,
All u gotta gimme is just a lil time,
I could be the best thing u ever had,
If u let me,
Or I could be the saddest man on earth,
If u left me,
Blessed the day I was when I met u,
From then on what I wanted to give 2 u.....
Something unforgettable
Take away sadness,
All i need is ur smile,
Tell me u love me,baby,
Touch me 4 a while,
Open ur heart right up,
Let me inside u,
And in return,
What I will provide u...
Something unforgettable
Something u can't and don't wanna live without,
Something that no other man has ever carefully about,
Loyalty, honor and devotion 2 u,
Nothing regrettable,
Something unforgettable
I'll look at u thru honest eyes,
Kiss u with the purest lips,
Realize all ur fantasies,
Fill ur life with 100% pure bliss,
Sure they'll be times that we will fight,
Nothing strong enough to break up,
Cuz when we fight,
We do it just 2 have a reason 2 make up,
Something unforgettable...
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
note to self
Those who know me know the roads i've traveled and the heart breaks and hurt i've survived to be able to be here today. If you don't, see my early posts, Nevermind The Ugly 1.. ..
Anyway, here we are in October 2012, who would guess i would still be in this funk. well perhaps this blog is the first steps in getting out.
the separation that started in April has had many ups and downs along the way. from not knowing if it was right, to being sure we needed to fix things to hating her to missing her to being altogether sick of this shit.
today, i saw a different side of someone i used to love. i saw hateful, hurtful and downright sadistic. i will not go into detail but i know now, that apart is what has to be. many people took sides and judged me in the beginning like it was my fault we separated and that i obviously did something wrong.. well to those people.. FUCK YOU!
I wish no ill will towards another human being on this planet, but you people deserve something so horrific in your marriage or lives that u have to feel what i have had to feel during this fucking roller coaster.
i have been used to the fullest extent a person can be used. i have been taken advantage of and had my heart played like a second hand fiddle. my emotions questioned and my mental state fucked with to the point that i have actually pondered suicide. i would like to take this time to say thanks to this selfish person for almost costing me my life and my kids their father and my friends and the people who DO care about me.. me. your selfish game of cat and mouse has toyed with everything i've ever dreamed of and almost cost me the one thing that i have always been insecure about. now, then.. to not get too personal, the steps i have to take to get out of my own demons and depression begin tomorrow.
i'm going to get a dr. appointment and get the help i need to get out of this permanent funk once and for all. i'm doing this for myself as well as all the people who care about me, first and foremost my 3 kids.
i will not be taken advantage of, nor will i be constantly questioning myself and weather or not i should live or die. no one will have that power over me ever again.
this is my blog, so if anything i said has made u uncomfortable reading.. don't read and don't follow..
this step, is the fist step of the rest of my life.
p.s.
honorable mention to a brave friend of mine for setting the bar and getting the help she needed and giving me the courage to get the help i need to get out of this depression.
Anyway, here we are in October 2012, who would guess i would still be in this funk. well perhaps this blog is the first steps in getting out.
the separation that started in April has had many ups and downs along the way. from not knowing if it was right, to being sure we needed to fix things to hating her to missing her to being altogether sick of this shit.
today, i saw a different side of someone i used to love. i saw hateful, hurtful and downright sadistic. i will not go into detail but i know now, that apart is what has to be. many people took sides and judged me in the beginning like it was my fault we separated and that i obviously did something wrong.. well to those people.. FUCK YOU!
I wish no ill will towards another human being on this planet, but you people deserve something so horrific in your marriage or lives that u have to feel what i have had to feel during this fucking roller coaster.
i have been used to the fullest extent a person can be used. i have been taken advantage of and had my heart played like a second hand fiddle. my emotions questioned and my mental state fucked with to the point that i have actually pondered suicide. i would like to take this time to say thanks to this selfish person for almost costing me my life and my kids their father and my friends and the people who DO care about me.. me. your selfish game of cat and mouse has toyed with everything i've ever dreamed of and almost cost me the one thing that i have always been insecure about. now, then.. to not get too personal, the steps i have to take to get out of my own demons and depression begin tomorrow.
i'm going to get a dr. appointment and get the help i need to get out of this permanent funk once and for all. i'm doing this for myself as well as all the people who care about me, first and foremost my 3 kids.
i will not be taken advantage of, nor will i be constantly questioning myself and weather or not i should live or die. no one will have that power over me ever again.
this is my blog, so if anything i said has made u uncomfortable reading.. don't read and don't follow..
this step, is the fist step of the rest of my life.
p.s.
honorable mention to a brave friend of mine for setting the bar and getting the help she needed and giving me the courage to get the help i need to get out of this depression.
Always on My Mind
From the morning when I wake,
And every second of every day,
There's never a time,
U aren't always on my mind,
Autumn's chill is painted across the canvas,
As the cold comes in, it blends with my tears,
Spring seems like forever ago,
Like a million years,
There are some days when I just wanna call u,
Talk to u like we used 2 do,
And see if there's any change at all,
Most days I just wish u'd never met me,
Then u could have never left me here alone...
Moments of weakness in the night time,
When I just need to get some sleep,
Memories rush back again,
Cannot be contained,
And the tears can't wash them away,
If I could get the strength 2 4get u,
Figure out how just 2 walk away,
I could get past all the hurt,
Wipe away the dirt that keeps my heart in chains,
But how do u wash away twenty something,
In just This little bit of time?
if u know how, let me know,
So I can finally let it go,
And get on with my life...
Cuz ur always on my mind...
Always on my mind,
Always on my....
Wish u would have never met me,
Then u could have never left me here...
Alone
Monday, October 15, 2012
Misunderstood
If this is the straw that breaks,
It wasn't the only 1,
there were more than u would attest 2,
there was something that,
Weighed on that camel's back,
Something u would not confess 2,
Now we've come 2 This,
Awkward silence,
Where nobody's saying,
Anything....
If This were the break,
That separated hearts,
They were already broken,
Nothing could've been done,
No pretty words could've been spoken,
So if this is the way,
U go away,
Then 2 yourself u lie 2,
So take it all,
Take ur words, ur kisses n memory,
Cuz 2 get over I've got 2 try 2,
And if this is the place,
Where tears are misunderstood,
Where in the world,
Can I cry 2.........
2night...
It wasn't the only 1,
there were more than u would attest 2,
there was something that,
Weighed on that camel's back,
Something u would not confess 2,
Now we've come 2 This,
Awkward silence,
Where nobody's saying,
Anything....
If This were the break,
That separated hearts,
They were already broken,
Nothing could've been done,
No pretty words could've been spoken,
So if this is the way,
U go away,
Then 2 yourself u lie 2,
So take it all,
Take ur words, ur kisses n memory,
Cuz 2 get over I've got 2 try 2,
And if this is the place,
Where tears are misunderstood,
Where in the world,
Can I cry 2.........
2night...
Thursday, October 11, 2012
2 weak
There's never been this much emptiness inside,
It's taking over my whole heart & mind,
I'm screaming out for someone,
But no one can hear,
They're walking all around me,
They just point and stare,
And u want strength
But I'm too weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But leaving with someone else,
2 night,
I thought that I could do this on my own,
I thought that I was something,
But I was all wrong,
All along,
I am really nothing...
U want strength and I'm 2 weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But leaving with someone else 2night,
U want strength and I'm 2 weak,
U'really living life while,
I just wanna die,
U just laugh,
At me while I cry,
Cuz u want strength and I'm 2 weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But u leave with someone else 2night,
I'm 2 weak 2 fight....
Anywhere
Woke up said I loved u for bfast, made my lunch,
walked out the door,
waited all day for some,
hugs n kisses,
cuz every time ure near me,
I want more and more and more,
and I...want u to know...that
I ain't going anywhere,
no I ain't going anywhere at all,
Watching the clock as it ticks by,
Wishing it was 1 hour past 5,
So I could get back on home 2 u,
Nothing's more 2 me than,
Sitting at the table,
Hearing bout ur day,
Then going 2 bed early,
I just wanna say that,
I ain't going anywhere,
I ain't going anywhere at all,
No i ain't going anywhere,
At all...
Be so easy 2 run...away,
When everything seems 2 good 2 be true,
But what's scarier than perfect,
Is the thought of not being here with u,
So it's best that u know...
I'm not going anywhere,
I'm not going anywhere at all,
Can't u see,
I'm not going anywhere,
No I'm not going anywhere at all,
Woke up said I loved u for bfast,
I'm not going any..where...
At...all...
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Not Ready
Not ready 2 say goodbye,
I'm not ready 2 miss u yet,
I just got 2 know and I,
Don't wanna forget,
How ur smile,
Lights up the darkest room,
And u laugh always me laugh,
When I'm not in the mood,
I haven't gotten 2 see u,
Recognize ur full potential,
I haven't gotten 2 see u,
Be all that we know u can be,
And that song u sing,
When u're just talking,
When u're really not saying a thing,
At all,
Oh how the tears would fall,
And they'd never ever stop,
If u were not around,
How quiet would the world be,
Without ur sound,
I know it gets hard,
And every day is another sorrow,
But if u make it thru,
I promise u,
A better and brighter tomorrow,
U got the heart,
I got ur back,
we'll be a team,
I'll b there 4 u,
U b there 4 me,
I'm not ready 2 say goodbye,
I'm not ready 2 miss u...
Need 2 B
I need 2 relax,
I need some peace,
I need 2 get up,
Off my knees,
I need 2 feel love,
The pressure released,
I need 2 be...I need 2 be..
Yeah, I need 2 be,
I need some time,
Time 2 breathe,
2 take it all in,
2 believe in me,
Need 2 look in the mirror,
Need 2 see me,
Need 2 feel something,
Opposite of weak,
Need an umbrella,
2 weather the storm,
Need 2 find shelter,
Get out of the storm,
I need 2 be,
I need 2 be,
I need 2 be,
I need not 2 give,
Just need to receive,
The hand that will pick me,
Up off my knees,
Cuz I need 2 be...
I need 2 be...lieve..
In me.....
Friday, September 28, 2012
Dorothy
it's half past one and i can't catch a break,
i'm mentally worn and i just want 2 go 2 sleep,
but there's a few things on my mind,
that my heart is telling me 2 speak,
before i'm 2 weak..
it's about how we're not in Kansas anymore,
got carried away and misplaced by a storm,
and about this pretty yellow brick road,
that u must go...
Dorothy
U'll wish that i had just used my brain,
2 tell my heart 2 have the courage,
2 stand tall thru the rain,
and thru the pain,
and u believe in a wizard,
who can get us home again,
but along the way, u've met awitch,
who's such a mean and evil bitch,
please stay, away..
Dorothy
u've found me once again behind the mask,
behind the curtain,
and that 1 thing known for certain,
is that's not who.. u want from me,
but click ur heels 3 times and u will see,
that in my arms is where u need 2 be,
Home is Me...
Dorothy
i've taken off the mask,
and come out from behind the curtian,
that 1 thing known 4 certain,
is that u won't even recognize me,
Dorothy
so click ur heels 3 times and u will see,
that in my arms is where u need 2 be,
Home is Me...
Dorothy
it's twenty 2 two and i relly need some sleep
i'm mentally worn and i just want 2 go 2 sleep,
but there's a few things on my mind,
that my heart is telling me 2 speak,
before i'm 2 weak..
it's about how we're not in Kansas anymore,
got carried away and misplaced by a storm,
and about this pretty yellow brick road,
that u must go...
Dorothy
U'll wish that i had just used my brain,
2 tell my heart 2 have the courage,
2 stand tall thru the rain,
and thru the pain,
and u believe in a wizard,
who can get us home again,
but along the way, u've met awitch,
who's such a mean and evil bitch,
please stay, away..
Dorothy
u've found me once again behind the mask,
behind the curtain,
and that 1 thing known for certain,
is that's not who.. u want from me,
but click ur heels 3 times and u will see,
that in my arms is where u need 2 be,
Home is Me...
Dorothy
i've taken off the mask,
and come out from behind the curtian,
that 1 thing known 4 certain,
is that u won't even recognize me,
Dorothy
so click ur heels 3 times and u will see,
that in my arms is where u need 2 be,
Home is Me...
Dorothy
it's twenty 2 two and i relly need some sleep
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Curtains
Every since Haylee was a baby,
She had big dreams,
Wanted a Nice life,
Wanted some Nice things,
Wanted to have the world in her hands,
That's what her daddy taught her,
She's a good kid,
She's a good daughter,
Worships the ground her family walks on,
She's got this,
One problem his name is Shawn,
That's bein honest,
So while I'm on this,
I'll put u all on my guest list,
Pull up my big boy pants,
And address this,
A one on one conversation,
I request this,
Till then my words like daggers,
Hitting harder than clinched fists,
Look dude,
I ain't saying this to be rude,
But u misused her love,
And now u got some issues,
Best thing u could do 4 her now,
Is to miss u,
Get the fuck out of her life,
A couple tissues,
And then she can move on & be strong,
She'll be so much better when u're gone,
On 2 bigger & better things,
And a life with all the happiness,
It's supposed 2 bring,
Not the tears from the past year,
We told her u were a Playa,
She didn't wanna hear,
So now I'm telling u 2 stay clear,
U see her heart? Stay the fuck away from here,
And I ain't playin,
I'm comin to ya man to man,
And I ain't gangsta,
I'm bringing it 2 ya hand 2 hand,
Taking a stand,
Cuz u're just a predator,
I won't allow u 2 keep on getting her,
Upset, crying,confused, hurtin,
I'm coming out,
Swinging on ur ass for certain,
Just stay away from Haylee,
Or It's curtains!"
**some of the names have been changed***
She had big dreams,
Wanted a Nice life,
Wanted some Nice things,
Wanted to have the world in her hands,
That's what her daddy taught her,
She's a good kid,
She's a good daughter,
Worships the ground her family walks on,
She's got this,
One problem his name is Shawn,
That's bein honest,
So while I'm on this,
I'll put u all on my guest list,
Pull up my big boy pants,
And address this,
A one on one conversation,
I request this,
Till then my words like daggers,
Hitting harder than clinched fists,
Look dude,
I ain't saying this to be rude,
But u misused her love,
And now u got some issues,
Best thing u could do 4 her now,
Is to miss u,
Get the fuck out of her life,
A couple tissues,
And then she can move on & be strong,
She'll be so much better when u're gone,
On 2 bigger & better things,
And a life with all the happiness,
It's supposed 2 bring,
Not the tears from the past year,
We told her u were a Playa,
She didn't wanna hear,
So now I'm telling u 2 stay clear,
U see her heart? Stay the fuck away from here,
And I ain't playin,
I'm comin to ya man to man,
And I ain't gangsta,
I'm bringing it 2 ya hand 2 hand,
Taking a stand,
Cuz u're just a predator,
I won't allow u 2 keep on getting her,
Upset, crying,confused, hurtin,
I'm coming out,
Swinging on ur ass for certain,
Just stay away from Haylee,
Or It's curtains!"
**some of the names have been changed***
American Horror Story
i'm not sure i,
ever felt like this before,
gonna let maddladd,
acquisce to christopher,
time 2 light a candle,
take a seat,
learn thing or 4,
not sure that i can take the bullshit anymore,
mommy stole, got arrested,
daddy got interviewed he got arrested,
left at the pastor's house,
he was trusted and respected,
till he came in2 my room at night,
that was the first time i was molested,
turned on a flashlight,
said u got an option,
it's u or baby sister,
damn,
she was only 1,
and i was her only 1,
i had 2 protect her,
there was no way i was gonna let that motherfucker hurt her,
so i did what i had to,
day in and day out,
no matter the scenario,
had 2 let it play out,
no lock on the door,
no way 2 make him stay out,
this is my this is my this is my,
American Horror Story,
a friend of my mom and dad's came to get us outta hell,
i thought it all was over with,
but that's where i fuckin' failed,
who woulda thought that pastor would have revealed the sin,
that he committed,
that first night away,
the shit started all over again,
fuck!
dear lord up in heaven man,
please take my life and save me from these people man,
the pain i was enduring has never been equalled man,
punched in the face,
forcefully thrown across the floors,
kicked while i was down,
but wait.. hold up.. there's more,
thrown in a closet,
locked in for days at a time,
told i would get it worse,
if i looked anyone in the eyes,
malnutritioned,
my ribs were exposed,
they kept my laundry did,
always had on clean clothes,
but that was just the facade,
they didn't wanna draw attention,
to the pandora's box,
that they kept a 10 year old livin' in,
i remember like it was yesterday,
we picked up their neice Mandi,
from a couple towns away,
she was 14 and she was real cute,
but it didn't take long to know what she was there to do,
threw a blanket in the backseat of that car and gave specific orders,
then when we got home, they pulled out the sofa bed and camcorders,
set em up in the living room and pressed the red button,
and it was on, we had to do whatever they wanted,
i wanted to die,
i could tell that she did to,
but even that night wasn't the last look into my..
American Horror Story,
that shoulda been it, goddman how can a kid survive,
but next up was debbie, jennifer and that night i almost died,
debbie was jealous of me,
she couldn't stand the sight of me,
a beating every night from that hateful bitch was in spite of me,
she punched, kicked, clawed and scratched, bit and strangled,
there were nights that my life was barely just a dangle,
she had the highschool kids,
gang up on me after class,
i couldn't go nowhere 'lest someone tried to beat my ass,
she had the perfect plan, we lived out in the sticks,
she left me home a lone,
and had 2 men come over and try to problem fix,
they had shotguns in hand,
they couldn't get in the door,
i called a friend's dad over,
he made it there just before..
they killed me...
i was 13.. these motherfuckers tried 2 kill me..
i was 13....
now that doesn't bring u completely into my house of horrors man,
this fucking childhood that i've tried to escape from man,
the fucking nightmares comeback to haunt me,
like those demons want me,
they whisper in my ears and love to taunt me,
i wanna get away,
i just wanna get away..
from..my
American Horror Story
ever felt like this before,
gonna let maddladd,
acquisce to christopher,
time 2 light a candle,
take a seat,
learn thing or 4,
not sure that i can take the bullshit anymore,
mommy stole, got arrested,
daddy got interviewed he got arrested,
left at the pastor's house,
he was trusted and respected,
till he came in2 my room at night,
that was the first time i was molested,
turned on a flashlight,
said u got an option,
it's u or baby sister,
damn,
she was only 1,
and i was her only 1,
i had 2 protect her,
there was no way i was gonna let that motherfucker hurt her,
so i did what i had to,
day in and day out,
no matter the scenario,
had 2 let it play out,
no lock on the door,
no way 2 make him stay out,
this is my this is my this is my,
American Horror Story,
a friend of my mom and dad's came to get us outta hell,
i thought it all was over with,
but that's where i fuckin' failed,
who woulda thought that pastor would have revealed the sin,
that he committed,
that first night away,
the shit started all over again,
fuck!
dear lord up in heaven man,
please take my life and save me from these people man,
the pain i was enduring has never been equalled man,
punched in the face,
forcefully thrown across the floors,
kicked while i was down,
but wait.. hold up.. there's more,
thrown in a closet,
locked in for days at a time,
told i would get it worse,
if i looked anyone in the eyes,
malnutritioned,
my ribs were exposed,
they kept my laundry did,
always had on clean clothes,
but that was just the facade,
they didn't wanna draw attention,
to the pandora's box,
that they kept a 10 year old livin' in,
i remember like it was yesterday,
we picked up their neice Mandi,
from a couple towns away,
she was 14 and she was real cute,
but it didn't take long to know what she was there to do,
threw a blanket in the backseat of that car and gave specific orders,
then when we got home, they pulled out the sofa bed and camcorders,
set em up in the living room and pressed the red button,
and it was on, we had to do whatever they wanted,
i wanted to die,
i could tell that she did to,
but even that night wasn't the last look into my..
American Horror Story,
that shoulda been it, goddman how can a kid survive,
but next up was debbie, jennifer and that night i almost died,
debbie was jealous of me,
she couldn't stand the sight of me,
a beating every night from that hateful bitch was in spite of me,
she punched, kicked, clawed and scratched, bit and strangled,
there were nights that my life was barely just a dangle,
she had the highschool kids,
gang up on me after class,
i couldn't go nowhere 'lest someone tried to beat my ass,
she had the perfect plan, we lived out in the sticks,
she left me home a lone,
and had 2 men come over and try to problem fix,
they had shotguns in hand,
they couldn't get in the door,
i called a friend's dad over,
he made it there just before..
they killed me...
i was 13.. these motherfuckers tried 2 kill me..
i was 13....
now that doesn't bring u completely into my house of horrors man,
this fucking childhood that i've tried to escape from man,
the fucking nightmares comeback to haunt me,
like those demons want me,
they whisper in my ears and love to taunt me,
i wanna get away,
i just wanna get away..
from..my
American Horror Story
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
2 the Finish
Who r u 2 let my name leak out ya mouf,
Who are u 2 think It's wise 2 wanna talk about,
Some shit I did,shit I said, or something made up,
Like the people I know gonna give a motherfuck,
U must be high or seriously on some,
Death wish shit,
Who are u, Charles Bronson?
this ain't no high school game,
There ain't a locker room,
I'm a pull heat when I see ya,
And let it go Boom,
Nah,
I ain't a gangster,
But I'll be ur worst menace,
Box ya face till u look like Rocky Dennis,
Dumb ass like Pyle in that Full Metal Jacket,
Make some more racket,
And get ur Fucking Meddling Ass Whipped!
I ain't the one u should be stressin,
Let this lesson be ur point of reference,
I've been calm for 2 long,
But I'm sick n tired of the same things,
Next time I talk about it,
I think imma name names,
Fuck the blame game,
It's ur fault,
Coulda kept ur mouf shut,
Minded ur own business,
And quit givin a motherfuck,
I'm angry,
And u ain't gonna like me when I see u in a minute,
There won't be anything left for u 2 talk about,
We fightin 2 the finish!!
Some say u don't matter and It's all in the past now,
But that ain't stopping thoughts of wanting to beat ur ass down,
I know, I oughta be the bigger man,
But I wanna be all three, judge jury and the motherfuckin' trigger man,
u started this ret***ded shit,
Now I'm on some ol It's time to disarm this bitch,
See u in the streets,
And u gonna live out ya worst days,
Cuz I gotta surprise for u like It's yo motherfuckin birthday,
But it ain't gonna be candles that u pickin out,
It's gonna be a lotta teeth that's falling out ya mouf,
No referee, no fucking gloves,
There ain't no octagon,
Just hatred and brass knuckles squeezed into my fucking palms,
I'm swingin for the fences,
I could give a fuck whos there to witness,
I'll smile for the camera,
This is a fight 2 the finish!!
Who are u 2 think It's wise 2 wanna talk about,
Some shit I did,shit I said, or something made up,
Like the people I know gonna give a motherfuck,
U must be high or seriously on some,
Death wish shit,
Who are u, Charles Bronson?
this ain't no high school game,
There ain't a locker room,
I'm a pull heat when I see ya,
And let it go Boom,
Nah,
I ain't a gangster,
But I'll be ur worst menace,
Box ya face till u look like Rocky Dennis,
Dumb ass like Pyle in that Full Metal Jacket,
Make some more racket,
And get ur Fucking Meddling Ass Whipped!
I ain't the one u should be stressin,
Let this lesson be ur point of reference,
I've been calm for 2 long,
But I'm sick n tired of the same things,
Next time I talk about it,
I think imma name names,
Fuck the blame game,
It's ur fault,
Coulda kept ur mouf shut,
Minded ur own business,
And quit givin a motherfuck,
I'm angry,
And u ain't gonna like me when I see u in a minute,
There won't be anything left for u 2 talk about,
We fightin 2 the finish!!
Some say u don't matter and It's all in the past now,
But that ain't stopping thoughts of wanting to beat ur ass down,
I know, I oughta be the bigger man,
But I wanna be all three, judge jury and the motherfuckin' trigger man,
u started this ret***ded shit,
Now I'm on some ol It's time to disarm this bitch,
See u in the streets,
And u gonna live out ya worst days,
Cuz I gotta surprise for u like It's yo motherfuckin birthday,
But it ain't gonna be candles that u pickin out,
It's gonna be a lotta teeth that's falling out ya mouf,
No referee, no fucking gloves,
There ain't no octagon,
Just hatred and brass knuckles squeezed into my fucking palms,
I'm swingin for the fences,
I could give a fuck whos there to witness,
I'll smile for the camera,
This is a fight 2 the finish!!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Quitter
2night live on Facebook,YouTube and Twitter,
Y'all bout 2 c the definition of a Quitter,
1 mo pill to go, 1Last shot,
I'm a give it my all,
Everything that I got,
Everything that I am not,
U would convict me for,
I'm in the dumps,
Like that jackass Eeyore,
It's either leave or be forever in this depress,
So 2night I'm out like I'm motherfuckin Seacrest,
2night live on Facebook,YouTube and Twitter,
Y'all bout 2 c the definition of a Quitter,
Don't blame me,
Blame u for how u treated me,
Spit on me when I was down,
Verbally u were beating me,
Like Christ on his way to the crucifixion,
But u don't wanna take responsibility,betcha still talk about me,
Spread rumors,
Tell the world, it'll be,
Better off without me,
And that's fine, that's Why,
I'm leaving here,
Taking my last breath,
1 mo pill,1 mo shot,
Exit stage left...
2night live on Facebook,YouTube and Twitter,
Y'all bout 2 c the definition of a Quitter,
Boot ur computers up,
Watch it as it unfolds,
Don't bother calling the cops,
The location is unknown,
I'm a go live about,
5 minutes before I go out,
There will be blood,
There will be no doubt,
No confusion,
This ain't no motion pictures horror flick,
This is just a motherfucker who is finally over this,
3...2...1...Live!!
Let's get this fucking over with!
2night live on Facebook,YouTube and Twitter,
Y'all bout 2 c the definition of a Quitter,
***********emotional fiction***
Monday, September 24, 2012
the 10 step program
So.. there have been a few things i've learned about, while being separated from the wife for the past 5 months.. i thought since i've been running them over and over in my head, that i might as well blog them, and who knows?, maybe they will help someone else in some way, or be something i can refer to in the future, in case i forget..
1). first and foremost.. if u feel it/say it/do it! - nothing is worse than loving someone, and never knowing how they feel about u. also, saying it is epic, but doing it is way better. doing it is also very easy. listen to them speak, learn what their favorite drinks, snacks, food, movies and music are. then surprise them with those things at random times. never do them when expected, and never announce that u are going to do them.. just do it. nothing says i love u, than a gesture of kindness that was unexpected.
2). WANT.. anyone can love someone.. u can love your brother, sister, mom, dad, pet, neighbor(it's in the 10 commandments, lol) friends, anyone. love isn't really a conscious effort. love happens and we have no control over it. want.. want is a decision that u make. u decide who u want in your life. u weigh the good/bad and make a decision to want that person around. if u want them, maybe instead of saying "i love u" all time, say "i want u". want doesn't immediately bring up a sexual connotation, it simply lets the other person know that u made the decision that, in some way, their life is enhanced or enriched by having u in it.
3). never let a day go by that u don't tell someone how u feel about them. that person may/may not reciprocate, they may be flabbergasted at the fact that u are opening up.. but never let em doubt ur heart for even one day. walls can be built in a day.. and everyday that u don't allow them entry into yours, another wall is built. walls are much harder to tear down, than they are to build. we also aren't promised anymore time on this earth than we have right this second.. tell someone how u feel. it's effortless, really, and makes someone's day.
4). HUGS.. hugs are way more intimate than kissing. hugs can make a bad day a good day. hugs can turn a bad situation good with one firm squeeze. hugs don't have to be reserved for kiddos, adults love them as well, and i'm pretty sure that the person u are in a relationship with, right this second, could use a big warm hug. hugs are taken for granted because people are too selfish..we can all use a hug...don't be selfish with them.
5). listen.. the person u are with is with u because of something u bring to the table, but there are a million and one fish in the sea, who also bring things to the table. if u wanna be the one fish and the only fish, u gotta listen. open your ears and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! when u listen u will hear things u never heard before.. like... what u haven't been taking care of in the relationship, what u have been doing right, what his/her friends are saying about u or what he/she should do, u can hear in his/her voice all the words they aren't saying.. and when they stop talking and the silence begins screaming.. u better do some serious damage control, and it starts with listeining.
6.) Hear.. plain and simple.. no further explaination is needed... don't just listen...HEAR what's being said.. there are clues scattered out all around u.. HEAR...
7). Hand Holding.. holding hands is like a hug, a hug that u can take with u all day long and still use other fine motor skills like walking without tripping over each other looking silly. take your partner by the hand when u are walking and hold it. walk with them, beside them. showing your partner that u are their partner, not their worden, is easy, walk beside them hand in hand. that gesture let's them know u are gonna be there for them and u are WITH them.
8). OWNERSHIP...most things are our fault. guy or girl, most things are our fault. the problems in a relationship aren't just his/hers...they are ours. if there's an issue, u can bet that it took both of u to get to that point. you did something or they did something that caused a reaction, that caused another action or reaction.. stop it. recognize the problem, talk it out, and take ownersip of what u brought to the table. if it's your bad, why not accept it, apologize, fix it and move on? walls ..there's that word again.. walls are much easier to take down before the heart hardens.
9.) ATTENTION.. this is a biggie. attention will make or break anything u are trying to build in a relationship. if u don't give the other person attention.. rest asurred someone else will. that someone else doesn't even want your partner, they just wanna infiltrate and see how far they can string them along and how much trouble they can cause. the problem with that is, it isn't your partner's issue for getting attention from someone.. it's yours! we all want someone to ask us how our day was, we all want someone to sit with us and watch a movie or tv show, we want someone to BE WITH US!! if u have so much going on that u can't look at, and apprecite the person that u are with enough, to give them any attention.. perhaps.. there's an underlining problem. perhaps one of the other 8 points should have been addressed before now. attention is like breathing.. it should be done all the time to keep the relationship alive. you have to give it to get it. one person isn't going to be the ONLY one doing it ALL THE TIME. Attention isn't sexaul either, it's a combination of the other 8 points i've made. but without it, a relationship is set up for failure.
10). INTIMACY .. do this because u want to share something special with your partner. be intimate because of the connection u feel and acheive by being with them. wheather a deep kiss, making out or sex, don't make the other person feel like it's a chore.. but also don't make the other person feel like they HAVE to do it either. nobody has to do anything with u.. come on.. take a look at yourself.. would YOU do anything intimat...wait.. don't answer that.. lol.. but that MAY be a good thing, cuz if u aren't intimate for the right reasons, u will end up being intimate with yourself more than anyone else.
** i also know there are many many more steps here that i didn't address, but this is my blog, my mind and my words, so there.. lol... these are the things that have ruined relationships for me, so it's more a tool for me than anyone else.. thanks***
1). first and foremost.. if u feel it/say it/do it! - nothing is worse than loving someone, and never knowing how they feel about u. also, saying it is epic, but doing it is way better. doing it is also very easy. listen to them speak, learn what their favorite drinks, snacks, food, movies and music are. then surprise them with those things at random times. never do them when expected, and never announce that u are going to do them.. just do it. nothing says i love u, than a gesture of kindness that was unexpected.
2). WANT.. anyone can love someone.. u can love your brother, sister, mom, dad, pet, neighbor(it's in the 10 commandments, lol) friends, anyone. love isn't really a conscious effort. love happens and we have no control over it. want.. want is a decision that u make. u decide who u want in your life. u weigh the good/bad and make a decision to want that person around. if u want them, maybe instead of saying "i love u" all time, say "i want u". want doesn't immediately bring up a sexual connotation, it simply lets the other person know that u made the decision that, in some way, their life is enhanced or enriched by having u in it.
3). never let a day go by that u don't tell someone how u feel about them. that person may/may not reciprocate, they may be flabbergasted at the fact that u are opening up.. but never let em doubt ur heart for even one day. walls can be built in a day.. and everyday that u don't allow them entry into yours, another wall is built. walls are much harder to tear down, than they are to build. we also aren't promised anymore time on this earth than we have right this second.. tell someone how u feel. it's effortless, really, and makes someone's day.
4). HUGS.. hugs are way more intimate than kissing. hugs can make a bad day a good day. hugs can turn a bad situation good with one firm squeeze. hugs don't have to be reserved for kiddos, adults love them as well, and i'm pretty sure that the person u are in a relationship with, right this second, could use a big warm hug. hugs are taken for granted because people are too selfish..we can all use a hug...don't be selfish with them.
5). listen.. the person u are with is with u because of something u bring to the table, but there are a million and one fish in the sea, who also bring things to the table. if u wanna be the one fish and the only fish, u gotta listen. open your ears and CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! when u listen u will hear things u never heard before.. like... what u haven't been taking care of in the relationship, what u have been doing right, what his/her friends are saying about u or what he/she should do, u can hear in his/her voice all the words they aren't saying.. and when they stop talking and the silence begins screaming.. u better do some serious damage control, and it starts with listeining.
6.) Hear.. plain and simple.. no further explaination is needed... don't just listen...HEAR what's being said.. there are clues scattered out all around u.. HEAR...
7). Hand Holding.. holding hands is like a hug, a hug that u can take with u all day long and still use other fine motor skills like walking without tripping over each other looking silly. take your partner by the hand when u are walking and hold it. walk with them, beside them. showing your partner that u are their partner, not their worden, is easy, walk beside them hand in hand. that gesture let's them know u are gonna be there for them and u are WITH them.
8). OWNERSHIP...most things are our fault. guy or girl, most things are our fault. the problems in a relationship aren't just his/hers...they are ours. if there's an issue, u can bet that it took both of u to get to that point. you did something or they did something that caused a reaction, that caused another action or reaction.. stop it. recognize the problem, talk it out, and take ownersip of what u brought to the table. if it's your bad, why not accept it, apologize, fix it and move on? walls ..there's that word again.. walls are much easier to take down before the heart hardens.
9.) ATTENTION.. this is a biggie. attention will make or break anything u are trying to build in a relationship. if u don't give the other person attention.. rest asurred someone else will. that someone else doesn't even want your partner, they just wanna infiltrate and see how far they can string them along and how much trouble they can cause. the problem with that is, it isn't your partner's issue for getting attention from someone.. it's yours! we all want someone to ask us how our day was, we all want someone to sit with us and watch a movie or tv show, we want someone to BE WITH US!! if u have so much going on that u can't look at, and apprecite the person that u are with enough, to give them any attention.. perhaps.. there's an underlining problem. perhaps one of the other 8 points should have been addressed before now. attention is like breathing.. it should be done all the time to keep the relationship alive. you have to give it to get it. one person isn't going to be the ONLY one doing it ALL THE TIME. Attention isn't sexaul either, it's a combination of the other 8 points i've made. but without it, a relationship is set up for failure.
10). INTIMACY .. do this because u want to share something special with your partner. be intimate because of the connection u feel and acheive by being with them. wheather a deep kiss, making out or sex, don't make the other person feel like it's a chore.. but also don't make the other person feel like they HAVE to do it either. nobody has to do anything with u.. come on.. take a look at yourself.. would YOU do anything intimat...wait.. don't answer that.. lol.. but that MAY be a good thing, cuz if u aren't intimate for the right reasons, u will end up being intimate with yourself more than anyone else.
** i also know there are many many more steps here that i didn't address, but this is my blog, my mind and my words, so there.. lol... these are the things that have ruined relationships for me, so it's more a tool for me than anyone else.. thanks***
Your Heart
Where is ur heart,
Thought it was with me,
But there's a look in ur eyes,
Like u wanna be set free,
If u're gonna let me go,
It's gonna tear me apart,
But u gotta let me know,
Where is ur heart...where is ur heart?
Silence is screaming,
Can hear every word,
What we're not saying,
Why the lines are blurred,
Wanna know that u still Love me,
So I say it first,
Then I brace myself,
Waiting for the worst..
Where is ur heart?
If u're gonna say goodbye,
Take a look into my eyes,
Say it with enough conviction
To leave the tears in my eyes,
Where is ur heart,
Thought it was with me,
Thought we were different,
We would last... we would last,
Where is ur heart,
Guess I have 2 let u go,
But there's one thing u should know,
I Love u... and My Love is true...
Are we 2gether or apart,
Where is your....
Heart?.......
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Despondent
***disclaimer.... this is a work of emotional fiction***
as i lay here in this monumental moment of tranquility,
the heavy of the overwhelming thoughts are taking over me,
should i do the right thing, call a friend and lay it all out & honest,
or should i take another fucking pill until i'm cold .. and despondent..
1 just didn't do the trick,
the second didn't make me flinch,
the third may have made me drowsy,
but my nerves haven't calmed a single itch,
the .80 proof i've choses 2 help me chase them down,
has not caught up 2 the demons in my head,
so i'll keep shooting down,
why can i hear them calling into my ears,
"it's time 2 do what u most fear,
take another pill and drink my little darling,
till the pain is gone, 2morrow u'll be numb,
and yesterday will not be a memory..."
so i lay here in this monumental moment of tranquility,
i should be in bed asleep, but this silence is over taking me,
should i do the right thing, call a friend and lay it all out & honest,
or should i take another fucking pill until i'm cold.. and despondent..
i could take a walk 2 clear my head,
but my body feels paralyzed,
a symptom of these thoughts that make me wanna cry,
and i just don't have the paitence,
or the will 2 burden anymore,
i'm done ... i'm done... i'm done..
ask the audience,
phone a friend,
there's a 50/50,
this is my final answer,
2 rid this disease,
that spreads like a cancer,
26 years of tumors raging thru this broken heart,
i once was strong,
i once was strong,
i once was strong,
but some where i fell all apart.....
as i lay here in this monumental moment of tranquility,
the heavy of the overwhelming thoughts are taking over me,
should i do the right thing, call a friend and lay it all out & honest,
or should i take another fucking pill until i'm cold .. and despondent..
my hands are shaking,
the tears flowing like a flood raging from my ducts,
i'm trying 2 think, i cannot figure out,
just why in the fuck,
i alienate everyone i've ever known with fucking everything,
and i hurt, and i'm screaming out,
but nobody hears fucking anything,
don't take so many,... damn,
u're gonna fucking die,
don't wash them down with alcohol,
u're gonna fucking die,
u took too many damn...
u're gonna fucking die...
don't come 2 me crying..
when u fucking die....
all it would have taken was for u 2 look between the lines,
and ask..
why...
why..
why.
why
***disclaimer.... this is a work of emotional fiction***
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
LOVELAND
U may not fall,
But could u slip,
End up in my arms,
If u might lose ur balance,
U just might land in Love,
Maybe u can't let,
Urself go,
If u don't at least take a step,
U will never know,
U may not fall,
But u might trip,
And land in Love,
Land in Love,
Look me in the Eye and see,
That in my arms,
Is the only place that u need to be,
Land in Love,
With 2 lips 2 kiss,
And 2 hearts 2 become 1,
If u...Land in Love,
Could u close ur eyes and jump,
U could find urself,
In everything, that u ever wanted,
Forever, we're together,
If u slip, if u trip,
If u land in Love,
If u've ever dreamed,
In fairy tales,
If u've longed 2 be the Princess,
In the greatest Love story,
Ever seen,
Look at me..ur Prince Charming,
A man in Love...
Land in Love,
Look me in my eyes and see,
That in my arms is the only place,
That u need 2 be,
Land in Love,
With 2 lips 2 kiss,
And 2 hearts 2 become 1,
If u trip and slip u might fall..
And
Land..... Land in Love!
If u trip,
U might slip,
And If u slip,
U might fall,
Oh, and If u fall,
U might land,
Land in Love,
Look at me, u will see..
A man in love...
Stress
/I gave u 2 much power
/u gave me 2 much stress
/I gave u everything and all u gave me was a mess
/I stood steadfast and upright
/u preferred me sad & uptight
/I didn't wanna be mad,
I didn't wanna be embroiled in a fight
/u wanna point & click
/u wanna start some shit
/I just wanna get on with my life without having to tweet & Facebook it
/who gives a damn who I'm seein
/with whom I'm spending time
/ain't nobody ever gave a fuck before /when I was rubbing 2 pennies together trying 2 make a dime!
/so go on ur merry way and be fine no doubt
/cuz like Mary J I ain't wanting no drama
/and If that's what it's gonna be all about...
/fuck it..
/just sign em papers across that dotted line
/and move the fuck on with ur life /n let me move on with mine
/life is a highway no doubt
/and everything just comes 2 pass
/love everyone who's been in my corner
/the rest of y'all can kiss my ass...
Friday, September 14, 2012
Jesus Place
I wanna see ur face,
When I kiss u in ur Jesus place,
Make ur heart beat at a more rapid pace,
Breathing increases as ur lungs begin 2 race,
Licking every inch of u,
Starving 4 ur taste,
Drinking every drop n wanting more,
Leaving none to waste,
Convulsing, swearing,shivering,
When I kiss ur,
"Jesus place".
Thursday, September 6, 2012
51
"Blindfolded and writhing with
anticipation, she teases him until his erection is throbbing, begging for her touch... she longs to taste him but she keeps touching his spots watching, laughing and taunting as she makes her way to her knees, she asks.."how bad do u want me?!"
As she engulfs his manhood...he deep breath exhales.. as he can barely contain his eruption, her mouth soft and warm, cussing like a truck driving sailor, again, she asks "how bad do u fucking want me?!" "More than life itself!!" He answers as he explodes, over and over and over again...she doesn't stop, she is starving for everything he's got, his heartbeat accelerates and his blood pressure rises, he cannot contain another touch...she'll doesn't stop, she takes more than he's got, more than he can handle...when he finally subsides , she moves slowly up to his ear, she whispers.."how bad do u want me?!?!"
His only reply is in his lips when he meets her with a passionate kiss, and together they fall.. 2 bodies, 2 souls, 2 hearts....moving in tune, making Love, making hate...till 2...become 1"
2
"Over and over the thought of her hands caressing him slowly, awakens his erection, and causes his temperature to spike, he closes his eyes just in time to see her.. before him, working him with her fist, as she tells him of a fantasy he's had in graphic detail.
she pulls and strokes away as her words go deeper and naughtier, into his imagination until, he is too far gone to control himself.
he reaches for her, but she's not there, he opens his eyes just in time to see that the hand that has been giving him so much pleasure was his own, and he has been a victim, a pawn in a sexual fantastic fantasy, he continues his pace, and finishes in a heart skipping, mind blowing orgasm, that causes his whole body to spasm uncontrollably... "
3
..."Covered in his own sex, and unashamed, he rushes not to shower, but to call his lover, to confess his most intimate of sins.."
2Bcontinued...?
1,000 Kisses
I'd give u 1, I could give u a thousand,kisses...
would u be aroused then, would u then call me baby & say that u want me...
take me in ur arms,
lead me to ur bedroom,
take me from a boy 2 a man if I would let u...
would u say u adore me,
slowly explore me, make me close my eyes,
place urself before me,
touching those places, running all the bases,
Would u wanna take me there,
if I let u take me there...
cuz I could give u 1...
or I could give u a thousand.. kisses 2 get u aroused then...
I could give u just a lil more...
would u let me taste u?
Drink every drop like I'm dying of thirst,
I wouldn't waste ya, u got 1 but that's only ur first, shall I stay down there?
Keep kissing u round there,
spelling my name and writing u a song as u quiver and move to the beat of my tongue, could I use my fingers?
Could I use all of my mind?
Could I explore u,
would u tell me where 2 go 2 make u climb..the walls... the walls...
if I gave u 1 maybe a thousand kisses,could I make u climb the walls???
Accept Me
u saw the numb when I was trying to feel,
U saw the imperfections,
U saw the cracks that I was trying 2 fill,
And without transgression,
U saw the pain that I was trying 2 heal,
U looked me in the eye,
And without complication,
U....accepted... me broken....
U accepted me broken...
U saw the mess, I was trying 2 clean,
U saw the man inside of me,
U didn't blink, u didn't go,
U didn't push away, u held me close,
And u....accepted me....broken...
U accepted me...broken...
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Can't hold a candle 2 u,
I'm coming 2gether again,
And next 2 u..hand in hand I'll stand,
Cuz u...accepted me..broken...
U accepted me..broken...
u saw the numb when I was trying to feel,
U saw the imperfections,
U saw the cracks that I was trying 2 fill,
And without transgression,
U accepted me broken...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Ermagerten
Ermagherten..
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
u motherfuckers done started something,
i've been called up on 2 finish,
and dimish all u coward motherfuckers with sentence,
for instance, the moment that u will hear this,
u will fear this, move as far away as u can,
and never get near chris,
i'm at an all time high,
u're at an all time low,
and u know how it's gonna go,
if i sink down in to ur mode,
go into whore mode,
i'm fuckin' all y'all till u love me...
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
wow ain't no need 2 explain,
i'm a let me mind go and take out ya brain,
runnin' ya lips i'mma call out ya name,
i'll make u famous,
time 2 rearrange the game....
u really don't understand,
when u anger this man,
it's outta ya motherfuckin' hands,
what i'm a do,
but u're through,
u ain't got no chance,
last ride u gonna take,
the back of ambulance,
flatlinin,
they ain't gonna be revivin ya vitals,
the grand motherfuckin' hip hop champ is my title,
this is war on every level u ain't got no where 2 hide,
i'm a hungry cannibal i'ma eat u alive,
so the moral of the story is,
keep my name out ya 2 lips,
it ain't my fault u motherfuckers keep makin' me do this,
i was gonna be nice for a while,
write some love songs sit my ass back n smile,
and relax,
but u got me relapsin' to this entity,
and there ain't a motherfucker alive that can get with me,
fuck em, fuck jay,kanye, wayne and ross,
my name is maddladd and i'm the motheruckin' boss,
it's
Ermagerten!
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
u motherfuckers done started something,
i've been called up on 2 finish,
and dimish all u coward motherfuckers with sentence,
for instance, the moment that u will hear this,
u will fear this, move as far away as u can,
and never get near chris,
i'm at an all time high,
u're at an all time low,
and u know how it's gonna go,
if i sink down in to ur mode,
go into whore mode,
i'm fuckin' all y'all till u love me...
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
wow ain't no need 2 explain,
i'm a let me mind go and take out ya brain,
runnin' ya lips i'mma call out ya name,
i'll make u famous,
time 2 rearrange the game....
u really don't understand,
when u anger this man,
it's outta ya motherfuckin' hands,
what i'm a do,
but u're through,
u ain't got no chance,
last ride u gonna take,
the back of ambulance,
flatlinin,
they ain't gonna be revivin ya vitals,
the grand motherfuckin' hip hop champ is my title,
this is war on every level u ain't got no where 2 hide,
i'm a hungry cannibal i'ma eat u alive,
so the moral of the story is,
keep my name out ya 2 lips,
it ain't my fault u motherfuckers keep makin' me do this,
i was gonna be nice for a while,
write some love songs sit my ass back n smile,
and relax,
but u got me relapsin' to this entity,
and there ain't a motherfucker alive that can get with me,
fuck em, fuck jay,kanye, wayne and ross,
my name is maddladd and i'm the motheruckin' boss,
it's
Ermagerten!
Ermagerten,,,it's something that's never happened before,
Ermagerten..u motherfuckers wanted a war,
Ermagerten.. it's about to go down,
Ermagerten.. ain't nothin' u can do about it now..
Ermagerten,,,,
Sunday, September 2, 2012
good thing
i've been told.. good things come 2 those who wait,
i never believed.. cuz Lord knows i've waited..
ended up jaded every time,
anticipated,
a lifetime of never knowing anything good enough,
thought i'd never get 2 see what the real thing was,
there were nights i cried myself 2 sleep,
and just after i prayed my soul 2 keep,
i prayed for love..
i wanna be your good thing,
a promise made in a gold ring,
the perfect lyric in the song u sing,
u're one and only u're everything,
the one who saves u from a bad dream,
the one who's always on ur team,
when everybody's turned their backs,
the one u never have 2 ask..
cuz i wanna be your good thing,
i've been told that u gotta be good by yourself,
before u can be good for anyone else,
but that's just a crock of shit,
and i ain't believing it,
cuz there's a few things that i can't do,
by myself that i can with u,
like lookin' in your eyes,
see a reflection that i recognize,
feelin' the warmth in a first kiss,
a first time that feels just like this,
i wanna be your good thing,
a promise made in a gold ring,
the perfect lyric in the song u sing,
u're one and only u're everything,
the one who saves u from a bad dream,
the one who's always on ur team,
when everybody's turned their backs,
the one u never have 2 ask..
cuz i wanna be your good thing,
there's magic in the smile u smile at me,
puts the stars to shame the way u shine,
and i can't describe how i'm still living,
as many times as my heart skips a beat when u put ur hand in mine...
and that's wny..
i wanna be your good thing,
a promise made in a gold ring,
the perfect lyric in the song u sing,
u're one and only u're everything,
the one who saves u from a bad dream,
the one who's always on ur team,
when everybody's turned their backs,
the one u never have 2 ask..
cuz i wanna be your good thing,
i think we've waited long enough,
lets start gettin 2 the good stuff,
and all the happiness that life can bring..
let's get us some of this good thing....
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Jack Dawson
We both know,
Nobody is perfect,
I've made mistakes,
U've made a few too,
Ur family don't like me,
It'll be good for them,
I'm not admired,
By 2 many of ur friends,
U'll be able to get by,
If I'm not around,
I think it's time 2 let go now,
Let Jack drown...
U tried, I tried,
We can't make it work,
Every time were get our hopes up,
We both end up hurt,
And I don't wanna be back,
To the "why did we do this?"
"I want out again!"
"we both shoulda knew this!"
U'll be able 2 get by,
If I'm not around,
I think it's time 2 let go...
Let Jack drown...
If we never let go,
We will never know,
What's really out there,
Beyond that door,
We don't wanna be here,
Like so many times before,
Proclaiming our love,
While in the middle of a war...
So while ure in this ocean,
Holding on2 ur raft,
Undo my hands,
And push urself back,
Let me sink in2 this cold dark abyss,
Let go of this...
U'll be much better off,
If I'm not around,
Go head n swim 2 safety,
Let Jack drown...
Turn that sad face of urs upside down,
Swim urself 2 safety,
Let Jack drown.....
*Your Love* (a personal spin on a classic)
When the rain is blowing in my face,
And the whole damn world is on my case,
Would u offer me a hiding place,
And let me feel ur love?...
when the shadows and the storms appear,
And I am broken down, tired n scared,
even when no one cares,..will u
Let me feel ur love?
I know u haven't made ur mind up yet,
But I will never do u wrong,
I've known it from the moment that we met,
There's no doubt in who's arms,
I belong....
I'd go hungry,
I'd go black n blue,
Go to the ends of the earth 4 u,
2 just be happy, would be a dream come true,
And 2 feel ur love....
Friday, August 24, 2012
august 23rd
....and with the closing of 2 eyes, so began the night from hell....
had a horrible nightmare that i was in a hospital and had been for days. My dad was the one who was actually IN the hospital, but i had been there for days by his side. Out of the blue, people from his/out past start showing up to pay their respects, as it is clear that he isn't going to make it out of his hospital bed alive. Friends from far and wide come in to tell him how great of a man he is and how much he meant and impacted them all. I was so proud to hear all the tales and see all the people my dad had touched. It was about an hour or so into this makeshift memorial, when Debbie, Jenny,Pat,Johnny, Linda and the Pastor all walked in. Debbie made eye contact with me and then spoke harsly to my dad for leaving her. Some how in all of the confusion about why these people were even allowed into the hospital, let alone the floor or the room we were in, Debbie got ahold of my youngest son. I was frantic.. i searched the hospital room by room, floor by floor, called the police, was hyperventalating and freaking out because i could not find him. These feelings and all the physical and emotional exhaustion that goes along with them, were as real as real can be. I was devastated! Crying, screaming and begging any and everyone to find my son, but no one took it seriously!! ........
i woke up this morning .. exhausted.. spent and felt like i had been run over by a truck. my eyes were still damp from the tears i,apparently really cried, my throat a lil scratchy and my body worn out.
all of the feelings of worthlessness, sorrow and helplessness flooded me and i've been in a terrible funk all day. as i type this, i am fighting back the same tears that i must have shed throughout the night last night.
i wish beyond all wishes that i could have had a normal childhood. i wish that in the 26 years since the abuse started and the 22 since it last happened, that i could forget, and move on. i just wanna be as far away from it as the years are. it saddens and shames me that all these years later, that these people still have a hold on me, and affect me.
" i really need 2 talk with u, i keep stepping on the vein,
that keeps my lifeline flowing thru,
i wanna be your perfect stick of glue,
but i don't feel perfect at all"
__________________________justin furstenfeld "picking up the pieces"2009
maybe the day will come when i'm no longer hurting, no longer wishing and waiting for a good night's sleep, for some rest and for some peace. Perhaps it's not in the cards for this guy. either way, i will continue meandering thru this life because it's the one i've gotten and nothing can change that. judge me as weak if u like.. it's true.. i am weak and i am broken, but i've never stopped trying to put the pieces back together.
"tonight,
does it have 2 be the old things,
tonight,
i just wanna go 2 sleep"
__________________________elton john "tonight" 1977
had a horrible nightmare that i was in a hospital and had been for days. My dad was the one who was actually IN the hospital, but i had been there for days by his side. Out of the blue, people from his/out past start showing up to pay their respects, as it is clear that he isn't going to make it out of his hospital bed alive. Friends from far and wide come in to tell him how great of a man he is and how much he meant and impacted them all. I was so proud to hear all the tales and see all the people my dad had touched. It was about an hour or so into this makeshift memorial, when Debbie, Jenny,Pat,Johnny, Linda and the Pastor all walked in. Debbie made eye contact with me and then spoke harsly to my dad for leaving her. Some how in all of the confusion about why these people were even allowed into the hospital, let alone the floor or the room we were in, Debbie got ahold of my youngest son. I was frantic.. i searched the hospital room by room, floor by floor, called the police, was hyperventalating and freaking out because i could not find him. These feelings and all the physical and emotional exhaustion that goes along with them, were as real as real can be. I was devastated! Crying, screaming and begging any and everyone to find my son, but no one took it seriously!! ........
i woke up this morning .. exhausted.. spent and felt like i had been run over by a truck. my eyes were still damp from the tears i,apparently really cried, my throat a lil scratchy and my body worn out.
all of the feelings of worthlessness, sorrow and helplessness flooded me and i've been in a terrible funk all day. as i type this, i am fighting back the same tears that i must have shed throughout the night last night.
i wish beyond all wishes that i could have had a normal childhood. i wish that in the 26 years since the abuse started and the 22 since it last happened, that i could forget, and move on. i just wanna be as far away from it as the years are. it saddens and shames me that all these years later, that these people still have a hold on me, and affect me.
" i really need 2 talk with u, i keep stepping on the vein,
that keeps my lifeline flowing thru,
i wanna be your perfect stick of glue,
but i don't feel perfect at all"
__________________________justin furstenfeld "picking up the pieces"2009
maybe the day will come when i'm no longer hurting, no longer wishing and waiting for a good night's sleep, for some rest and for some peace. Perhaps it's not in the cards for this guy. either way, i will continue meandering thru this life because it's the one i've gotten and nothing can change that. judge me as weak if u like.. it's true.. i am weak and i am broken, but i've never stopped trying to put the pieces back together.
"tonight,
does it have 2 be the old things,
tonight,
i just wanna go 2 sleep"
__________________________elton john "tonight" 1977
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
2 U
I go out n do my thing it's true,
But at the end of it all,
When my longest days are thru,
I always come home 2 u,
In my corner,
In my mind,
When I'm in the darkest lonely places,
U shine the light,
I find my way,
I make it out,
And run in 2 ur arms,
2 the 1 I belong 2,
I go out and do the things I have 2 do,
But at the end of it all,
When the longest days are thru,
I always come home 2 u,
I'm never 2 far away,
2 hear u say my name,
When u need me,
I'll come runnin,
Cuz U're always there 4 me!!!
I go out do what I have 2 do,
But at the end of it all,
When my longest days are thru,
There's only 1 place I belong,
Only 1 place feels like home, it's true,
And that's right there,
With u....
When i Close My Eyes
What's so good about bein alone?
What's so great about being all on ur own?
what's the appeal of not having someone on ur life at all?
why would u choose,
2 not even try,
2 let someone in,
Lest they say goodbye,
Seems a little silly 2 me,
Cuz when I close my eyes,
Want u 2 be,
The last smile that I see,
And when I open them again,
I want them 2 see,
U right next 2 me...
U're tryin hard 2 put up a front,
Like u just don't care,
Having someone there ain't all it's cracked up 2 be,
Who wants 2 have 2 answer 2,
anyone for what they do,
Baby that is true,
But when u need em 2,
What do u do when no one's there 4 u,
Cuz when I close my eyes,
I want u 2 be,
The very last smile I see,
When I open them again,
I want them 2 see,
U right next 2 me,
U can do bad all by urself,
This is nothing new,
But why limit urself,
2 bad being all u can do?
when I wanna be there 4 u...
When I close my eyes,
I want u 2 be,
The very last pair of eyes that I see,
And when I open then again,
I want them 2 see,
Me right next 2,
u right next 2 me...
When I close my eyes....
My Cup of Coffee
Sat up all night,
1 more fight,
and I can take no more of this shit,
I am in the wrong,
I am 2 damn broken,
And everything is all my fault,
I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I will wash my cup,
Won't leave a trace of me,
Behind 4 u 2 remember at all,
U're speaking,
Not on ur own,
But by the opinion of family n friends,
they're ur ventriloquist,
Pulling ur strings,
How will u feel once I'm gone,
Out of ur life 4 good,
Will they still be there,
Will they still care,
Will u be all alone...
I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I'll wash my cup,
I won't leave a trace of me,
Behind 4 u 2 remember at all,
I'll make the bed,
I'll take my pillows,
All of my clothes,
Everything that put me in this place with u,
U can have the rest,
Wish I could wish u the best,
But I don't,
And I won't,
Sat up all night,
1 more fight,
And I can take no more of this shit,
I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I'll wash my cup,
I won't leave a trace of me behind,
4 u 2 remember me...
At all....
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
4ever If Ever
bein stuck in the "friend zone",
is like having the ball,
being just shy of the end zone,
u never get 2 be anything at all,
i'm not lookin' 2 hang out,
listening 2 anyone talk about,
last night's horrible date,
or how their man is second rate,
so if there's not a chance,
that we could relate,
u're never gonna see in me,
something other than what u see,
i'm gonna bow out and walk away,
if we are never gonna be 2gether..
cuz i'm lookin for 4ever,
if ever.. at all..
u're always sayin' there's no good guys,
when one's standing right before ur eyes,
but u're blind 2 the facts,
that not all guys are at all like that,
i've offered my ears, i've offered my shoulders,
and i've offered my heart, but ur's grows colder,
u tell me this, and u tell me that,
but if u can't give me what i need..i'm gone,
cuz i'm not lookin' 2 hang out,
listening 2 anyone talk about,
last night's horrible date,
how all men are second rate,
so if there's not a chance,
that we could relate,
u're never gonna see in me,
something other than what u see,
i'm bowing out, i'm walking away,
if we're never gonna be 2gether,
i'm lookin' for 4ever,
if ever.. at all...
someone not just to listen,
but 2 hear me when i say that i,
need a little bit more,
someone 2 look 4ward 2 seein' me,
being with me,
instead of picking my heart back up off the floor,
cuz u won't see me..
no u don't see me...
so i'm not gonna hang out,
listening 2 u talk about,
what went wrong on last night's horrible date,
how all men are dogs, what they always do so wrong,
cuz if there's not a chance,
that we can relate,
u've never gonna see in me,what u see in me,
i'm bowing out and walking away,
if we're never gonna be 2gether...
i'm lookin' for 4ever....
if ever... at all...
if we could ever be 2gether,
i'm lookin' for 4ever,
if ever.... at all.....
4ever.. if ever..
Friday, August 17, 2012
Your Tears (4 Caylee)
U thought he was the 1,
But it just ain't true,
Matter fact he don't deserve to be,
In the top 1 or 2..
Even 3,4 or 5, would be 2 good for this fool,
Truth be told he proved what we all knew,
He ain't good enough for u,
He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears
He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,
Got so much 2 offer,
So much 2 give,
But u got time,
So much life 2 live,
So get your chin up,
Don't let em see u frown,
Get back on ur feet,
Turn that frown upside down,
He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,
Everybody gets their heart broke,
It's just somethin we go thru,
But he wasn't love,
He wasn't true,
Don't let Mr less than,
Hurt misses greater than,
And whatever u do,
Don't go back 2 him,
He's full of games,
Propaganda and lies,
He ain't worth a damn,
Drop of water from ur pretty eyes,
He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,
He ain't worthy of what a tear means,
So don't ya cry no more,
He ain't worth your tears,
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Again
No sunshine,
In my world 2 day,
Only rain,
Percussioning on my window pain,
And I'm feeling,
All alone again,
No warm air,
No gentle breeze,
Only trees with falling leaves,
And I'm sitting here in disbelief,
Cuz I'm feeling,
All alone again,
I just want the approving smile,
Of someone who's happy 2 be,
In my company,
Feel the butterflies,
In the kiss on a cheek,
No rainbows brightening up the day,
Just overcast clouds and frowns along my way,
I want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
Again...
I just want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
A.....gain..
In my world 2 day,
Only rain,
Percussioning on my window pain,
And I'm feeling,
All alone again,
No warm air,
No gentle breeze,
Only trees with falling leaves,
And I'm sitting here in disbelief,
Cuz I'm feeling,
All alone again,
I just want the approving smile,
Of someone who's happy 2 be,
In my company,
Feel the butterflies,
In the kiss on a cheek,
No rainbows brightening up the day,
Just overcast clouds and frowns along my way,
I want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
Again...
I just want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
A.....gain..
Saturday, August 11, 2012
The Closer
Watched a few rap battles on YouTube, and got inspired to go back to my roots...and wrote this piece called "the closer" .. it's basically what I would do to close the battle.. I win... (never lost)..
--------------------------------------------------
THE CLOSER
2 hear u rhyme,
I would pay any fucking change,
U been spitting for 5 minutes,
And ain't said a fucking thing,
U're fucking lame,
U ain't relevant at all 2 the fucking game,
Everything that came out ya mouth,
Lil Wayne already said the fucking same,
I'm heated,
I'm exactly what hip hop needed,
So conceited,
That any remnants of ur existence,
Will be deleted,..
Deflated,
Someone told u, u WAS hot?!
they a lie,
U way overrated!
I'm committing murders,
When I stretch these syllables,
BLAQ INK representative,
A motherfucking criminal,
Raped the English language when I spit pronouns and adverbs,
I'm absurd,
Oh u quiet now?!
I thought u been had words?!
u still standing?!
That's cuz u and me ain't never had words,
I flip my shit straight forward,
And bass ackwards,
The Ladd is here,
Ain't nobody Madder,
Oh that's ur girl?!
my bad man,
But everybody's had her,
Shit just last night she was in my room,
Callin' me the master,
Nails diggin in my back,
Screaming "Christopher,
Do it faster!"
-------------------
--------------------------------------------------
THE CLOSER
2 hear u rhyme,
I would pay any fucking change,
U been spitting for 5 minutes,
And ain't said a fucking thing,
U're fucking lame,
U ain't relevant at all 2 the fucking game,
Everything that came out ya mouth,
Lil Wayne already said the fucking same,
I'm heated,
I'm exactly what hip hop needed,
So conceited,
That any remnants of ur existence,
Will be deleted,..
Deflated,
Someone told u, u WAS hot?!
they a lie,
U way overrated!
I'm committing murders,
When I stretch these syllables,
BLAQ INK representative,
A motherfucking criminal,
Raped the English language when I spit pronouns and adverbs,
I'm absurd,
Oh u quiet now?!
I thought u been had words?!
u still standing?!
That's cuz u and me ain't never had words,
I flip my shit straight forward,
And bass ackwards,
The Ladd is here,
Ain't nobody Madder,
Oh that's ur girl?!
my bad man,
But everybody's had her,
Shit just last night she was in my room,
Callin' me the master,
Nails diggin in my back,
Screaming "Christopher,
Do it faster!"
-------------------
Friday, August 10, 2012
Falling
lately i've been tryin',
2 figure out where i'm goin',
tired of feelin' this feelin',
like i'm gonna be lonely all my life,
like i ain't good enough,
why am i not good enough,
gotta heart that's full of love,
and i'm ready 2 share it with.. who?
cuz no one's beating down my door,
no one's standing outside no more,
my tears are the only thing falling..
and they're falling....falling..
falling all over the place,
leaving stains and traces,
all over my face,
wettin' up my clothes,
makin' me a mess,
i can't believe i'm sittin' here bawling,
wond'rin' why nobody wants me,
and why my tears are the only thing,
falling...
i'm a good guy,
i don't beat, cheat, steal or lie,
i say what i mean and mean what i say,
i could give a good girl,
a brighter part of this world,
but i'm not the type,
cuz i'm not...
tall, dark and handsome,
all that and then some,
nobody anybody wants 2 see,
by my side,
in front of me,
holding hands,
kissing me,
it seems these days..
my tears are the only thing that's...
falling, they're falling.. falling...
can somebody tell me why,
why i'm not worth it,
i'm flawed, hell yeah, but nobody's perfect,
neither are u.....
neither are u....
there's no one's beating down my door,
no one's standing outside no more,
my tears are the only thing falling..
and they're falling....falling..
falling all over the place,
leaving stains and traces,
all over my face,
wettin' up my clothes,
makin' me a mess,
i can't believe i'm sittin' here bawling,
wond'rin' why nobody wants me,
and why my tears are the only thing,
falling...
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Unforgiveable
Unforgivable,
Is not knowing what we could be,
Cuz u let ur friends(who ain't got nobody)
pull u from me,
Always the bridesmaid,
Never the bride 2 be,
Guess we'll never know,
Guess u're 2 afraid 2 see,
Judging from the outside,
Guess I'm not as cute as u said I was,
Ur girlfriends ain't got a man,
This partially because,
They live in an imaginative world of make believe,
They want prince charming,
But a tool is all they ever see,
U could've had the worldor at least what was mine 2 give,
Someone who Only 4 ur happiness,
He would live,
Whatever would make u smile,
He would do this,
A thousand times he'd die just 4 ur kiss,
But alas,
It will never come 2 pass,
U wanted the steed,
But ended up with the horse's ass,
What once was on the table is now a thing of the past,
And that's 2 bad..baby it's 2 bad..
I could've made u happy,
the center of my world,
So when he disappoints,
Cuz he will disappoint u girl,
Think of me the one who woulda held u near,
Nothing in this world would every have felt so dear,
A love so real n pure..
But u couldn't be sure,
U ran away, and disappeared in the physical,
And these questions in my mind that remain unanswered,
Keep replaying this word..
Unforgivable...
Is not knowing what we could be,
Cuz u let ur friends(who ain't got nobody)
pull u from me,
Always the bridesmaid,
Never the bride 2 be,
Guess we'll never know,
Guess u're 2 afraid 2 see,
Judging from the outside,
Guess I'm not as cute as u said I was,
Ur girlfriends ain't got a man,
This partially because,
They live in an imaginative world of make believe,
They want prince charming,
But a tool is all they ever see,
U could've had the worldor at least what was mine 2 give,
Someone who Only 4 ur happiness,
He would live,
Whatever would make u smile,
He would do this,
A thousand times he'd die just 4 ur kiss,
But alas,
It will never come 2 pass,
U wanted the steed,
But ended up with the horse's ass,
What once was on the table is now a thing of the past,
And that's 2 bad..baby it's 2 bad..
I could've made u happy,
the center of my world,
So when he disappoints,
Cuz he will disappoint u girl,
Think of me the one who woulda held u near,
Nothing in this world would every have felt so dear,
A love so real n pure..
But u couldn't be sure,
U ran away, and disappeared in the physical,
And these questions in my mind that remain unanswered,
Keep replaying this word..
Unforgivable...
2Morrow
Maybe 2day, there's something in the way,
That obstructs the view,
When u look my way,
Or there's someone u thought,
Could be better suited 4 u,
Maybe just maybe its not me,
Perhaps it's true, that u,
Think u're a little 2 cool,
2 spend time with anyone,
Who won't treat u like a fool,
So 2night imma close my eyes,
Put my head on the pillow and imagine 2morrow,
The skies will be blue,
And that might be the day,
I'm good enough 4 u,
U won't have any hang ups,
Won't care bout what other people say,
U will realize that all that matters is how it makes u feel inside,
U'll step out of ur comfort zone,
Leaving all this who would hurt u alone,
Take a look at me and decide,
The world wouldn't look so bad,
Standing by my side,
Yeah I'll close my eyes 2night,
Imagine 2morrow the skies will be blue,
U won't see me as "just a friend"
and I'll be good enough 4 u,
U have been with all those others,
I've been lied 2, hurt,cheated and lied,
it happens over and over and over again,
So what have u got 2 lose by giving me a try?
So I'm gonna close my eyes 2night,
Believing that as sure as 2morrows skies will be blue..
U'll swallow ur pride,
Take a little longer look this time,
And I'll be good enough 4 u...
Maybe 2morrow,
I'll be good enough 4 u...
That obstructs the view,
When u look my way,
Or there's someone u thought,
Could be better suited 4 u,
Maybe just maybe its not me,
Perhaps it's true, that u,
Think u're a little 2 cool,
2 spend time with anyone,
Who won't treat u like a fool,
So 2night imma close my eyes,
Put my head on the pillow and imagine 2morrow,
The skies will be blue,
And that might be the day,
I'm good enough 4 u,
U won't have any hang ups,
Won't care bout what other people say,
U will realize that all that matters is how it makes u feel inside,
U'll step out of ur comfort zone,
Leaving all this who would hurt u alone,
Take a look at me and decide,
The world wouldn't look so bad,
Standing by my side,
Yeah I'll close my eyes 2night,
Imagine 2morrow the skies will be blue,
U won't see me as "just a friend"
and I'll be good enough 4 u,
U have been with all those others,
I've been lied 2, hurt,cheated and lied,
it happens over and over and over again,
So what have u got 2 lose by giving me a try?
So I'm gonna close my eyes 2night,
Believing that as sure as 2morrows skies will be blue..
U'll swallow ur pride,
Take a little longer look this time,
And I'll be good enough 4 u...
Maybe 2morrow,
I'll be good enough 4 u...
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Here With Me
i'm so tired of getting my hopes up,
only 2 be shot down,
i'm not getting any younger,
i'm only getting older,
lonlier and all alone,
all i want is the same everyone wants,
someone who really cares,
someone who will be there for me,
tell me that they love me,
tell me that they want me,
is she out there?
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
longing, wishing and waiting,
sux when u have no one 2 talk 2,
baby, i've been looking 4 u daily,
won't u come and save me,
someday soon,
pleading 2 the man in the moon,
praying 2 the one who knows it all,
if she's out there, somewhere would u guide her,
put myself beside her,
make this dream come true,
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,
is it my lot,
2 be all alone,
4 the rest of my life,
please let me know,
is it so hard,
2 meet someone genuine,
someone's who's intention,
is 2 never let me go..
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,
here with me,
and here 2 be 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is how it's supposed 2 be,
we're not getting any younger,
baby don't be scared 2,
bring your self close 2 me,
take my hand in urs,
look in2 my eyes,
and once u kiss me,
u will know that all u wanna be,
is here with me....
here with me,
never leaving ever..
now until 4ever,
here with me..
only 2 be shot down,
i'm not getting any younger,
i'm only getting older,
lonlier and all alone,
all i want is the same everyone wants,
someone who really cares,
someone who will be there for me,
tell me that they love me,
tell me that they want me,
is she out there?
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
longing, wishing and waiting,
sux when u have no one 2 talk 2,
baby, i've been looking 4 u daily,
won't u come and save me,
someday soon,
pleading 2 the man in the moon,
praying 2 the one who knows it all,
if she's out there, somewhere would u guide her,
put myself beside her,
make this dream come true,
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,
is it my lot,
2 be all alone,
4 the rest of my life,
please let me know,
is it so hard,
2 meet someone genuine,
someone's who's intention,
is 2 never let me go..
what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...
here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,
here with me,
and here 2 be 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is how it's supposed 2 be,
we're not getting any younger,
baby don't be scared 2,
bring your self close 2 me,
take my hand in urs,
look in2 my eyes,
and once u kiss me,
u will know that all u wanna be,
is here with me....
here with me,
never leaving ever..
now until 4ever,
here with me..
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