note to self

Those who know me know the roads i've traveled and the heart breaks and hurt i've survived to be able to be here today.  If you don't, see my early posts, Nevermind The Ugly 1.. ..

Anyway, here we are in October 2012, who would guess i would still be in this funk.  well perhaps this blog is the first steps in getting out. 

the separation that started in April has had many ups and downs along the way.  from not knowing if it was right, to being sure we needed to fix things to hating her to missing her to being altogether sick of this shit.

today, i saw a different side of someone i used to love. i saw hateful, hurtful and downright sadistic.  i will not go into detail but i know now, that apart is what has to be.  many people took sides and judged me in the beginning like it was my fault we separated and that i obviously did something wrong.. well to those people.. FUCK YOU!

I wish no ill will towards another human being on this planet, but you people deserve something so horrific in your marriage or lives that u have to feel what i have had to feel during this fucking roller coaster.

i have been used to the fullest extent a person can be used.  i have been taken advantage of and had my heart played like a second hand fiddle.  my emotions questioned and my mental state fucked with to the point that i have actually pondered suicide.  i would like to take this time to say thanks to this selfish person for almost costing me my life and my kids their father and my friends and the people who DO care about me.. me.   your selfish game of cat and mouse has toyed with everything i've ever dreamed of and almost cost me the one thing that i have always been insecure about.   now, then.. to not get too personal, the steps i have to take to get out of my own demons and depression begin tomorrow. 

i'm going to get a dr. appointment and get the help i need to get out of this permanent funk once and for all.  i'm doing this for myself as well as all the people who care about me, first and foremost my 3 kids. 

i will not be taken advantage of, nor will i be constantly questioning myself and weather or not i should live or die.  no one will have that power over me ever again. 

this is my blog, so if anything i said has made u uncomfortable reading.. don't read and don't follow.. 

this step, is the fist step of the rest of my life.

p.s.
honorable mention to a brave friend of mine for setting the bar and getting the help she needed and giving me the courage to get the help i need to get out of this depression.