august 23rd

....and with the closing of 2 eyes, so began the night from hell....  

had a horrible nightmare that i was in a hospital and had been for days.  My dad was the one who was actually IN the hospital, but i had been there for days by his side.  Out of the blue, people from his/out past start showing up to pay their respects, as it is clear that he isn't going to make it out of his hospital bed alive.  Friends from far and wide come in to tell him how great of a man he is and how much he meant and impacted them all.  I was so proud to hear all the tales and see all the people my dad had touched.  It was about an hour or so into this makeshift memorial, when Debbie, Jenny,Pat,Johnny, Linda and the Pastor all walked in.  Debbie made eye contact with me and then spoke harsly to my dad for leaving her.  Some how in all of the confusion about why these people were even allowed into the hospital, let alone the floor or the room we were in, Debbie got ahold of my youngest son.  I was frantic.. i searched the hospital room by room, floor by floor, called the police, was hyperventalating and freaking out because i could not find him.  These feelings and all the physical and emotional exhaustion that goes along with them, were as real as real can be.  I was devastated! Crying, screaming and begging any and everyone to find my son, but no one took it seriously!!   ........

i woke up this morning .. exhausted.. spent and felt like i had been run over by a truck.  my eyes were still damp from the tears i,apparently really cried, my throat a lil scratchy and my body worn out. 

all of the feelings of worthlessness, sorrow and helplessness flooded me and i've been in a terrible funk all day.  as i type this, i am fighting back the same tears that i must have shed throughout the night last night. 

i wish beyond all wishes that i could have had a normal childhood.  i wish that in the 26 years since the abuse started and the 22 since it last happened, that i could forget, and move on.  i just wanna be as far away from it as the years are.  it saddens and shames me that all these years later, that these people still have a hold on me, and affect me. 

" i really need 2 talk with u, i keep stepping on the vein,
that keeps my lifeline flowing thru,
i wanna be your perfect stick of glue,
but i don't feel perfect at all"
__________________________justin furstenfeld "picking up the pieces"2009


maybe the day will come when i'm no longer hurting, no longer wishing and waiting for a good night's sleep, for some rest and for some peace.  Perhaps it's not in the cards for this guy.  either way, i will continue meandering thru this life because it's the one i've gotten and nothing can change that.  judge me as weak if u like.. it's true.. i am weak and i am broken, but i've never stopped trying to put the pieces back together.

"tonight,
does it have 2 be the old things,
tonight,
i just wanna go 2 sleep"
__________________________elton john "tonight" 1977