T.S.A.

this ol bed is so lonely,
when u've no one here 2 hold,
summer just turned to autumn,
and these nights are so damn cold,

i'm tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,

takin' another pill,
or shootin' down another drink,
to try and turn my mind off u,
but what about these dreams,

i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,

pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....

tired of sleepin' alone,

when them nightmares come floodin' back,
there's no arms 2 turn into,
i wake up in a cold sweat,
but i can't talk it out to u,

i'm tired... tired of sleepin' alone,

u'd think that not having to share a bed,
i would sleep like a baby and get plenty of rest,
but that ain't the case, cuz i miss ur face,
and can't deal with this stress,

i'm so tired.... tired of sleepin' alone,

pillows and blankets can't take the place,
of the smell of ur hair in my face,
the 98.6 degrees i'm missin',
tossin' and turnin' all night long,
has me draggin' ass all day,
i can't get any sleep cuz i'm....

tired of sleepin' alone,

ooooo i'll believe i'll have another pill....
or maybe a drink will cure what ills,
i'm so tired........i'm so tired....
of sleepin' alone..

Stay & Touch

raining outside,
there's no need in going out,
be silly to head home in weather like this,
why not take ur coat off and have a drink,
spend a little extra time with your favorite Chris,

i'll put your favorite artist on the radio,
we can dance to every song that he sings,
i'll whisper in your ear your favorite lyric,
put my arms around u and won't let go,

baby don't leave...
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
could u just stay n touch,

sit down on the couch,
right here in front of me,
i'll let my lips rest upon ur neck,
put my hands on u,
play u like my favorite song,

u could go out in that storm,
or we could make love all night long,
my bed is big enough for two,
and i'll keep u nice and warm...

baby dont u leave,
could u just stay n touch,
it's been a while now,
just stay n touch,
wanna see ur pretty smile,
could u just stay n touch,
i want u so badly,
won't u just...

stay ..... n ...touch...

could u just stay.......n.....touch...

stay n touch

Fantasy

Wish my words could make u,
With my eyes could take u,
To the places u've always dreamed,
Wish that when my hands held u,
And my words said to u,
U would feel something back for me,

But I guess it's just a fantasy,
That will never ever be,
No matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me,

Wish that I could tell u,
How just by breathing,
U give me everything,
Wish that u felt in my kiss,
Something that never felt like this,

And I would give u all of me for just half of u....

But this is just fantasy,
A fantasy that will never be,
Cuz no matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me...

I'd give all of me,
For just half of u..

This is just a fantasy,
A fantasy that will never be,
Cuz no matter how much I want u,
U're not interested in me...

Woulda

Under appreciated,
Thought happiness was overrated,
Then I met u,
I was so elated,
That I,
Would stayed..
Forever...

I woulda stayed,
Forever,

Wasn't no need,
To go nowhere,
Had all I needed,
Standing right here,
So I..(so I)
Woulda stayed..(woulda stayed)
Forever,

I would stayed,
Forever,

Can't help I was a lil 2 much,
A like not enough, sometimes,
I'm doing all I can 2 keep up,
With these thoughts racing in my mind,
But I..would left...u..
Never...

I woulda stayed,
Forever...

All I wanted was love,
Love and 2 b wanted,
Freed up from these demons inside my head,
Maybe wake up next 2 u every Morning in ur bed,

And I (and I)
woulda stayed (woulda stayed)
forever...

Yeah I just thought u should know that,

I would stayed...

Forever...

settling

i knew,
what i was getting into,
and i still did what i wanted 2 do,

i accepted every smile, kiss and hug,
i gave them freely in return,
i did it because i wanted 2,

i never thought u held me back,
i never thought u kept me down,
u gave me love, u were around,
u turned a frown upside down,

so don't think i was settling,
i was right where i wanted 2 be,
giving and getting love,
for once that was enough,
till the day u set me free,
because u thought u were doing what's best for me,
u believed.. i was settling..

i was dreaming of what could be,
blending in2 a family,
i wanted u.. and i did what i wanted 2,

i had hoped that we could see 2morrow,
finally find what happy was all about,
i didn't think 4 1 second u were wrong 4 me,
i did what i wanted 2 do..

how could u say i was settling,
when u smiled at me the way u smiled,
drove me crazy, got me wild,
made me feel at home,

i was alone.. but i was gettin by,
but all the clouds gave way 2 sunshine,
when u walked in2 my life,
and i wasn't settling..

i did what i wanted 2 do,

i wanted 2 be with u!

i wanted 2 be with u!

this is me now

there were times i felt the world was passin' me by,
like everybody was goin on with their lives,
while i was falling deeper down than i could climb,
everything was movin' along just fine,

i was fighting with all my might,
but quickly losin' sight of me,
u extended a hand brought me back,
2 an amazing reality..

.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...

this is me now..

i was lost and i just couldn't find my way,
didn't know how i would make it thru another day,
wasn't sure if i wanted 2, i was so disenchanted,
i didn't want anything till u,

u said it would be ok,
u held me while i cried,
u took away the cold,
made me feel a warmth inside,


.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now

i was a sad case,
with a sad face,
poor little woe is me,
i was at the end,
u came 2 me then,
stood by my side,
showed me the true meaning of friend,
made me wanna live again,


.. u stood my me,
thru the storms,
and the trials.. u gave me love,
and u gave me back my smile,
u wouldn't let,
me stay down,
u were my strength,
and i wanna re introuduce myself,
i'm not who i was then...
oh no...
this is me now..

i wanna try happy,
i wanna try being the me i was destined 2 be,
because u showed me love..
u showed me love..

because u showed me love...

this is me ....
now..

1 More

i got ur picture,
in my hand,
in my memory when i close my eyes,

and i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,

u were taken 2 soon,

and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,

i know everything we ever did,
it's the greatest story ever written,
and my heart won't let it go away,

i will hold u when i'm dreamin'
much harder than i ever did,
when u were here,

u were taken 2 soon,

and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,

i'd hold & beg God 2 let me go with u,
i'd never let u go again,
u were my 1 true love,
everything i'd ever dreamed of,
much more than that,
u were my best friend,

u were taken 2 soon....

and i'm wishin' i had,
one more kiss,
one more smile,
one more wish,
for just a little while longer,
2 know u were gonna leave,
so maybe i could be a lil stronger,
i really wish i could have just,
one more kiss,

i got ur picture,
in my hand..
and i'm wishin' in the other for,

one more kiss....







**tribute to a fallen friend.. u never know when u have had ur one last kiss.. never take anything for granted**

Rest In Piece Matt K.

2morrow's Another Day 2 Try

see a tear,
wipe it away,
say everything's gonna be ok,
then take my hand and hold it tight in yours,
there's so much going on,
tonight i'm not gonna be strong,
no u haven't done anything wrong,
best thing u can do is to be here now,
hold me while i cry,
there's nothing u have to say,
tell me i'm gonna be alright..u know,
and tomorrow is another day to try...
tomorrow's another day 2 try..
yeah..
tomorrow's another day...

feel the beat,
of my heart on ur knee,
as i lay on u,
let it's rhythm beat,
be the pulse that u need,
2 relax my mind tonight,
i am empty, hurting, fractured,
trying 2 be whole,
so when u see a tear,
kiss it away,
tell me everything's gonna be ok,
take my hand hold it tight in yours,
and say..
it's okay 2 b sad,
it's okay 2 cry,
i'll hold u all night 2night,
but don't give up,
u've got so many reasons 2 fight,
and 2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day,
2morrow's another day...
2 try...

best thing u can do is be here now,
hold me while i cry,

Before Your Eyes

As the day time,
Turns 2 sunset,
And the night fall,
Brings the rain,
I will lay here,
In the bedroom,
Succumbing 2 the pain,
Accelerating heart flutter,
Blood pressure rising,
It's here again,
While u're out there,
Playing chances,
Passing glances,
Looking for something more,
I will slowly turn the razor,
Let the droplets hit the floor,
And as the evening,
Turns 2 midnight,
When the morning starts 2 rise,
What u find here,
When u leave his bed,
Shouldn't be,
A big surprise,
I was hurting,
U were laughing,
U didn't comfort,
Didn't care,
So when u ran to,
another's bedroom,
I too, decided,
2 leave here...
No note explaining,
If u didn't see what,
Was right,
Before ur eyes.....

Un4gettable

Baby if hands were made 4 holding,
Maybe u could show me,
Put ur hand in mine,
If u really wanted 2 get 2 know me,
All u gotta gimme is just a lil time,

I could be the best thing u ever had,
If u let me,
Or I could be the saddest man on earth,
If u left me,
Blessed the day I was when I met u,
From then on what I wanted to give 2 u.....

Something unforgettable

Take away sadness,
All i need is ur smile,
Tell me u love me,baby,
Touch me 4 a while,

Open ur heart right up,
Let me inside u,
And in return,
What I will provide u...

Something unforgettable

Something u can't and don't wanna live without,
Something that no other man has ever carefully about,
Loyalty, honor and devotion 2 u,
Nothing regrettable,

Something unforgettable

I'll look at u thru honest eyes,
Kiss u with the purest lips,
Realize all ur fantasies,
Fill ur life with 100% pure bliss,

Sure they'll be times that we will fight,
Nothing strong enough to break up,
Cuz when we fight,
We do it just 2 have a reason 2 make up,

Something unforgettable...

note to self

Those who know me know the roads i've traveled and the heart breaks and hurt i've survived to be able to be here today.  If you don't, see my early posts, Nevermind The Ugly 1.. ..

Anyway, here we are in October 2012, who would guess i would still be in this funk.  well perhaps this blog is the first steps in getting out. 

the separation that started in April has had many ups and downs along the way.  from not knowing if it was right, to being sure we needed to fix things to hating her to missing her to being altogether sick of this shit.

today, i saw a different side of someone i used to love. i saw hateful, hurtful and downright sadistic.  i will not go into detail but i know now, that apart is what has to be.  many people took sides and judged me in the beginning like it was my fault we separated and that i obviously did something wrong.. well to those people.. FUCK YOU!

I wish no ill will towards another human being on this planet, but you people deserve something so horrific in your marriage or lives that u have to feel what i have had to feel during this fucking roller coaster.

i have been used to the fullest extent a person can be used.  i have been taken advantage of and had my heart played like a second hand fiddle.  my emotions questioned and my mental state fucked with to the point that i have actually pondered suicide.  i would like to take this time to say thanks to this selfish person for almost costing me my life and my kids their father and my friends and the people who DO care about me.. me.   your selfish game of cat and mouse has toyed with everything i've ever dreamed of and almost cost me the one thing that i have always been insecure about.   now, then.. to not get too personal, the steps i have to take to get out of my own demons and depression begin tomorrow. 

i'm going to get a dr. appointment and get the help i need to get out of this permanent funk once and for all.  i'm doing this for myself as well as all the people who care about me, first and foremost my 3 kids. 

i will not be taken advantage of, nor will i be constantly questioning myself and weather or not i should live or die.  no one will have that power over me ever again. 

this is my blog, so if anything i said has made u uncomfortable reading.. don't read and don't follow.. 

this step, is the fist step of the rest of my life.

p.s.
honorable mention to a brave friend of mine for setting the bar and getting the help she needed and giving me the courage to get the help i need to get out of this depression.

Always on My Mind

From the morning when I wake,
And every second of every day,
There's never a time,
U aren't always on my mind,

Autumn's chill is painted across the canvas,
As the cold comes in, it blends with my tears,
Spring seems like forever ago,
Like a million years,

There are some days when I just wanna call u,
Talk to u like we used 2 do,
And see if there's any change at all,
Most days I just wish u'd never met me,

Then u could have never left me here alone...

Moments of weakness in the night time,
When I just need to get some sleep,
Memories rush back again,
Cannot be contained,
And the tears can't wash them away,

If I could get the strength 2 4get u,
Figure out how just 2 walk away,
I could get past all the hurt,
Wipe away the dirt that keeps my heart in chains,

But how do u wash away twenty something,
In just This little bit of time?
if u know how, let me know,
So I can finally let it go,
And get on with my life...

Cuz ur always on my mind...
Always on my mind,
Always on my....

Wish u would have never met me,
Then u could have never left me here...

Alone

Misunderstood

If this is the straw that breaks,
It wasn't the only 1,
there were more than u would attest 2,
there was something that,
Weighed on that camel's back,
Something u would not confess 2,
Now we've come 2 This,
Awkward silence,
Where nobody's saying,
Anything....
If This were the break,
That separated hearts,
They were already broken,
Nothing could've been done,
No pretty words could've been spoken,
So if this is the way,
U go away,
Then 2 yourself u lie 2,
So take it all,
Take ur words, ur kisses n memory,
Cuz 2 get over I've got 2 try 2,
And if this is the place,
Where tears are misunderstood,
Where in the world,
Can I cry 2.........
2night...

2 weak

There's never been this much emptiness inside,
It's taking over my whole heart & mind,
I'm screaming out for someone,
But no one can hear,
They're walking all around me,
They just point and stare,

And u want strength
But I'm too weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But leaving with someone else,
2 night,

I thought that I could do this on my own,
I thought that I was something,
But I was all wrong,
All along,
I am really nothing...

U want strength and I'm 2 weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But leaving with someone else 2night,

U want strength and I'm 2 weak,
U'really living life while,
I just wanna die,

U just laugh,
At me while I cry,

Cuz u want strength and I'm 2 weak 2 fight,
U want me,
But u leave with someone else 2night,

I'm 2 weak 2 fight....

Anywhere

Woke up said I loved u for bfast, made my lunch,
walked out the door,
waited all day for some,
hugs n kisses,
cuz every time ure near me,
I want more and more and more,

and I...want u to know...that
I ain't going anywhere,
no I ain't going anywhere at all,

Watching the clock as it ticks by,
Wishing it was 1 hour past 5,
So I could get back on home 2 u,
Nothing's more 2 me than,
Sitting at the table,
Hearing bout ur day,
Then going 2 bed early,

I just wanna say that,

I ain't going anywhere,
I ain't going anywhere at all,
No i ain't going anywhere,
At all...

Be so easy 2 run...away,
When everything seems 2 good 2 be true,

But what's scarier than perfect,
Is the thought of not being here with u,
So it's best that u know...

I'm not going anywhere,
I'm not going anywhere at all,
Can't u see,
I'm not going anywhere,
No I'm not going anywhere at all,

Woke up said I loved u for bfast,

I'm not going any..where...
At...all...

Not Ready

Not ready 2 say goodbye,
I'm not ready 2 miss u yet,
I just got 2 know and I,
Don't wanna forget,

How ur smile,
Lights up the darkest room,
And u laugh always me laugh,
When I'm not in the mood,

I haven't gotten 2 see u,
Recognize ur full potential,
I haven't gotten 2 see u,
Be all that we know u can be,

And that song u sing,
When u're just talking,
When u're really not saying a thing,
At all,

Oh how the tears would fall,
And they'd never ever stop,
If u were not around,
How quiet would the world be,
Without ur sound,

I know it gets hard,
And every day is another sorrow,
But if u make it thru,
I promise u,
A better and brighter tomorrow,

U got the heart,
I got ur back,
we'll be a team,
I'll b there 4 u,
U b there 4 me,

I'm not ready 2 say goodbye,
I'm not ready 2 miss u...

Need 2 B

I need 2 relax,
I need some peace,
I need 2 get up,
Off my knees,

I need 2 feel love,
The pressure released,
I need 2 be...I need 2 be..
Yeah, I need 2 be,

I need some time,
Time 2 breathe,
2 take it all in,
2 believe in me,

Need 2 look in the mirror,
Need 2 see me,
Need 2 feel something,
Opposite of weak,

Need an umbrella,
2 weather the storm,
Need 2 find shelter,
Get out of the storm,

I need 2 be,
I need 2 be,
I need 2 be,

I need not 2 give,
Just need to receive,
The hand that will pick me,
Up off my knees,

Cuz I need 2 be...
I need 2 be...lieve..
In me.....