Jack Dawson

We both know,
Nobody is perfect,
I've made mistakes,
U've made a few too,

Ur family don't like me,
It'll be good for them,
I'm not admired,
By 2 many of ur friends,

U'll be able to get by,
If I'm not around,
I think it's time 2 let go now,

Let Jack drown...

U tried, I tried,
We can't make it work,
Every time were get our hopes up,
We both end up hurt,

And I don't wanna be back,
To the "why did we do this?"
"I want out again!"
"we both shoulda knew this!"

U'll be able 2 get by,
If I'm not around,
I think it's time 2 let go...

Let Jack drown...

If we never let go,
We will never know,
What's really out there,
Beyond that door,

We don't wanna be here,
Like so many times before,
Proclaiming our love,
While in the middle of a war...

So while ure in this ocean,
Holding on2 ur raft,
Undo my hands,
And push urself back,

Let me sink in2 this cold dark abyss,

Let go of this...

U'll be much better off,
If I'm not around,
Go head n swim 2 safety,

Let Jack drown...

Turn that sad face of urs upside down,

Swim urself 2 safety,

Let Jack drown.....

*Your Love* (a personal spin on a classic)

When the rain is blowing in my face,
And the whole damn world is on my case,
Would u offer me a hiding place,
And let me feel ur love?...

when the shadows and the storms appear,
And I am broken down, tired n scared,
even when no one cares,..will u
Let me feel ur love?

I know u haven't made ur mind up yet,
But I will never do u wrong,
I've known it from the moment that we met,
There's no doubt in who's arms,
I belong....

I'd go hungry,
I'd go black n blue,
Go to the ends of the earth 4 u,
2 just be happy, would be a dream come true,
And 2 feel ur love....

august 23rd

....and with the closing of 2 eyes, so began the night from hell....  

had a horrible nightmare that i was in a hospital and had been for days.  My dad was the one who was actually IN the hospital, but i had been there for days by his side.  Out of the blue, people from his/out past start showing up to pay their respects, as it is clear that he isn't going to make it out of his hospital bed alive.  Friends from far and wide come in to tell him how great of a man he is and how much he meant and impacted them all.  I was so proud to hear all the tales and see all the people my dad had touched.  It was about an hour or so into this makeshift memorial, when Debbie, Jenny,Pat,Johnny, Linda and the Pastor all walked in.  Debbie made eye contact with me and then spoke harsly to my dad for leaving her.  Some how in all of the confusion about why these people were even allowed into the hospital, let alone the floor or the room we were in, Debbie got ahold of my youngest son.  I was frantic.. i searched the hospital room by room, floor by floor, called the police, was hyperventalating and freaking out because i could not find him.  These feelings and all the physical and emotional exhaustion that goes along with them, were as real as real can be.  I was devastated! Crying, screaming and begging any and everyone to find my son, but no one took it seriously!!   ........

i woke up this morning .. exhausted.. spent and felt like i had been run over by a truck.  my eyes were still damp from the tears i,apparently really cried, my throat a lil scratchy and my body worn out. 

all of the feelings of worthlessness, sorrow and helplessness flooded me and i've been in a terrible funk all day.  as i type this, i am fighting back the same tears that i must have shed throughout the night last night. 

i wish beyond all wishes that i could have had a normal childhood.  i wish that in the 26 years since the abuse started and the 22 since it last happened, that i could forget, and move on.  i just wanna be as far away from it as the years are.  it saddens and shames me that all these years later, that these people still have a hold on me, and affect me. 

" i really need 2 talk with u, i keep stepping on the vein,
that keeps my lifeline flowing thru,
i wanna be your perfect stick of glue,
but i don't feel perfect at all"
__________________________justin furstenfeld "picking up the pieces"2009


maybe the day will come when i'm no longer hurting, no longer wishing and waiting for a good night's sleep, for some rest and for some peace.  Perhaps it's not in the cards for this guy.  either way, i will continue meandering thru this life because it's the one i've gotten and nothing can change that.  judge me as weak if u like.. it's true.. i am weak and i am broken, but i've never stopped trying to put the pieces back together.

"tonight,
does it have 2 be the old things,
tonight,
i just wanna go 2 sleep"
__________________________elton john "tonight" 1977

2 U

I go out n do my thing it's true,
But at the end of it all,
When my longest days are thru,
I always come home 2 u,

In my corner,
In my mind,
When I'm in the darkest lonely places,
U shine the light,

I find my way,
I make it out,
And run in 2 ur arms,
2 the 1 I belong 2,

I go out and do the things I have 2 do,
But at the end of it all,
When the longest days are thru,
I always come home 2 u,

I'm never 2 far away,
2 hear u say my name,
When u need me,
I'll come runnin,

Cuz U're always there 4 me!!!

I go out do what I have 2 do,
But at the end of it all,
When my longest days are thru,
There's only 1 place I belong,
Only 1 place feels like home, it's true,
And that's right there,
With u....

When i Close My Eyes

What's so good about bein alone?
What's so great about being all on ur own?
what's the appeal of not having someone on ur life at all?

why would u choose,
2 not even try,
2 let someone in,
Lest they say goodbye,
Seems a little silly 2 me,

Cuz when I close my eyes,
Want u 2 be,
The last smile that I see,
And when I open them again,
I want them 2 see,
U right next 2 me...

U're tryin hard 2 put up a front,
Like u just don't care,
Having someone there ain't all it's cracked up 2 be,

Who wants 2 have 2 answer 2,
anyone for what they do,
Baby that is true,
But when u need em 2,
What do u do when no one's there 4 u,

Cuz when I close my eyes,
I want u 2 be,
The very last smile I see,
When I open them again,
I want them 2 see,
U right next 2 me,

U can do bad all by urself,
This is nothing new,
But why limit urself,
2 bad being all u can do?

when I wanna be there 4 u...

When I close my eyes,
I want u 2 be,
The very last pair of eyes that I see,
And when I open then again,
I want them 2 see,
Me right next 2,
u right next 2 me...

When I close my eyes....

My Cup of Coffee

Sat up all night,
1 more fight,
and I can take no more of this shit,
I am in the wrong,
I am 2 damn broken,
And everything is all my fault,

I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I will wash my cup,
Won't leave a trace of me,
Behind 4 u 2 remember at all,

U're speaking,
Not on ur own,
But by the opinion of family n friends,
they're ur ventriloquist,
Pulling ur strings,

How will u feel once I'm gone,
Out of ur life 4 good,
Will they still be there,
Will they still care,
Will u be all alone...

I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I'll wash my cup,
I won't leave a trace of me,
Behind 4 u 2 remember at all,

I'll make the bed,
I'll take my pillows,
All of my clothes,
Everything that put me in this place with u,

U can have the rest,
Wish I could wish u the best,
But I don't,
And I won't,

Sat up all night,
1 more fight,
And I can take no more of this shit,

I'll have the rest,
Of my cup of coffee,
And then I'll walk away,
I'll wash my cup,
I won't leave a trace of me behind,
4 u 2 remember me...

At all....

4ever If Ever

bein stuck in the "friend zone",
is like having the ball,
being just shy of the end zone,
u never get 2 be anything at all,

i'm not lookin' 2 hang out,
listening 2 anyone talk about,
last night's horrible date,
or how their man is second rate,

so if there's not a chance,
that we could relate,
u're never gonna see in me,
something other than what u see,
i'm gonna bow out and walk away,
if we are never gonna be 2gether..

cuz i'm lookin for 4ever,
if ever..    at all..

u're always sayin' there's no good guys,
when one's standing right before ur eyes,
but u're blind 2 the facts,
that not all guys are at all like that,

i've offered my ears, i've offered my shoulders,
and i've offered my heart, but ur's grows colder,
u tell me this, and u tell me that,
but if u can't give me what i need..i'm gone,

cuz i'm not lookin' 2 hang out,
listening 2 anyone talk about,
last night's horrible date,
how all men are second rate,

so if there's not a chance,
that we could relate,
u're never gonna see in me,
something other than what u see,
i'm bowing out, i'm walking away,
if we're never gonna be 2gether,

i'm lookin' for 4ever,
if ever..   at all...

someone not just to listen,
but 2 hear me when i say that i,
need a little bit more,
someone 2 look 4ward 2 seein' me,
being with me,
instead of picking my heart back up off the floor,
cuz u won't see me..

no u don't see me...

so i'm not gonna hang out,
listening 2 u talk about,
what went wrong on last night's horrible date,
how all men are dogs, what they always do so wrong,
cuz if there's not a chance,
that we can relate,
u've never gonna see in me,what u see in me,
i'm bowing out and walking away,
if we're never gonna be 2gether...

i'm lookin' for 4ever....
if ever... at all...

if we could ever be 2gether,
i'm lookin' for 4ever,
if ever.... at all.....

4ever.. if ever..

Your Tears (4 Caylee)

U thought he was the 1,
But it just ain't true,
Matter fact he don't deserve to be,
In the top 1 or 2..

Even 3,4 or 5, would be 2 good for this fool,
Truth be told he proved what we all knew,
He ain't good enough for u,

He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears

He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,

Got so much 2 offer,
So much 2 give,
But u got time,
So much life 2 live,

So get your chin up,
Don't let em see u frown,
Get back on ur feet,
Turn that frown upside down,

He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,

Everybody gets their heart broke,
It's just somethin we go thru,
But he wasn't love,
He wasn't true,

Don't let Mr less than,
Hurt misses greater than,
And whatever u do,
Don't go back 2 him,

He's full of games,
Propaganda and lies,
He ain't worth a damn,
Drop of water from ur pretty eyes,

He had a trick up his sleeve,
U trusted and believed,
Yet when he showed his hand,
He proved that he was less than,
Any man,
And u need to stiffin up your lip,
While ure sitting here,
Cuz he ain't worth,
Even one of your tears,

He ain't worthy of what a tear means,
So don't ya cry no more,

He ain't worth your tears,

Again

No sunshine,
In my world 2 day,
Only rain,
Percussioning on my window pain,
And I'm feeling,
All alone again,

No warm air,
No gentle breeze,
Only trees with falling leaves,
And I'm sitting here in disbelief,
Cuz I'm feeling,
All alone again,

I just want the approving smile,
Of someone who's happy 2 be,
In my company,
Feel the butterflies,
In the kiss on a cheek,

No rainbows brightening up the day,
Just overcast clouds and frowns along my way,
I want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
Again...

I just want the loving arms,
That feel like home and then,
I can smile for a while,
Cuz I know,
I'm not all alone,
A.....gain..

The Closer

Watched a few rap battles on YouTube,  and got inspired to go back to my roots...and wrote this piece called "the closer" .. it's basically what I would do to close the battle.. I win... (never lost)..
--------------------------------------------------
               THE CLOSER
2 hear u rhyme, 
I would pay any fucking change,
U been spitting for 5 minutes,
And ain't said a fucking thing,
U're fucking lame,
U ain't relevant at all 2 the fucking game,
Everything that came out ya mouth,
Lil Wayne already said the fucking same,
I'm heated,
I'm exactly what hip hop needed,
So conceited,
That any remnants of ur existence,
Will be deleted,..
Deflated,
Someone told u, u WAS hot?!
they a lie,
U way overrated!
I'm committing murders,
When I stretch these syllables,
BLAQ INK representative,
A motherfucking criminal,
Raped the English language when I spit pronouns and adverbs,
I'm absurd,
Oh u quiet now?!
I thought u been had words?!
u still standing?! 
That's cuz u and me ain't never had words,
I flip my shit straight forward,
And bass ackwards,
The Ladd is here,
Ain't nobody Madder,
Oh that's ur girl?!
my bad man,
But everybody's had her,
Shit just last night she was in my room,
Callin' me the master,
Nails diggin in my back,
Screaming "Christopher,
Do it faster!"
------------------- 

Falling

lately i've been tryin',
2 figure out where i'm goin',
tired of feelin' this feelin',
like i'm gonna be lonely all my life,

like i ain't good enough,
why am i not good enough,
gotta heart that's full of love,
and i'm ready 2 share it with.. who?

cuz no one's beating down my door,
no one's standing outside no more,
my tears are the only thing falling..
and they're falling....falling..

falling all over the place,
leaving stains and traces,
all over my face,
wettin' up my clothes,
makin' me a mess,
i can't believe i'm sittin' here bawling,
wond'rin' why nobody wants me,
and why my tears are the only thing,
falling...

i'm a good guy,
i don't beat, cheat, steal or lie,
i say what i mean and mean what i say,
i could give a good girl,
a brighter part of this world,

but i'm not the type,
cuz i'm not...

tall, dark and handsome,
all that and then some,
nobody anybody wants 2 see,
by my side,
in front of me,
holding hands,
kissing me,
it seems these days..

my tears are the only thing that's...

falling, they're falling.. falling...

can somebody tell me why,
why i'm not worth it,
i'm flawed, hell yeah, but nobody's perfect,
neither are u.....
neither are u....

there's no one's beating down my door,
no one's standing outside no more,
my tears are the only thing falling..
and they're falling....falling..

falling all over the place,
leaving stains and traces,
all over my face,
wettin' up my clothes,
makin' me a mess,
i can't believe i'm sittin' here bawling,
wond'rin' why nobody wants me,
and why my tears are the only thing,
falling...

Unforgiveable

Unforgivable,
Is not knowing what we could be,
Cuz u let ur friends(who ain't got nobody)
pull u from me,

Always the bridesmaid,
Never the bride 2 be,
Guess we'll never know,
Guess u're 2 afraid 2 see,

Judging from the outside,
Guess I'm not as cute as u said I was,
Ur girlfriends ain't got a man,

This partially because,
They live in an imaginative world of make believe,
They want prince charming,
But a tool is all they ever see,

U could've had the worldor at least what was mine 2 give,
Someone who Only 4 ur happiness,
He would live,
Whatever would make u smile,
He would do this,
A thousand times he'd die just 4 ur kiss,

But alas,
It will never come 2 pass,
U wanted the steed,
But ended up with the horse's ass,
What once was on the table is now a thing of the past,
And that's 2 bad..baby it's 2 bad..

I could've made u happy,
the center of my world,
So when he disappoints,
Cuz he will disappoint u girl,
Think of me the one who woulda held u near,
Nothing in this world would every have felt so dear,
A love so real n pure..
But u couldn't be sure,

U ran away, and disappeared in the physical,
And these questions in my mind that remain unanswered,
Keep replaying this word..

Unforgivable...

2Morrow

Maybe 2day, there's something in the way,
That obstructs the view,
When u look my way,

Or there's someone u thought,
Could be better suited 4 u,
Maybe just maybe its not me,

Perhaps it's true, that u,
Think u're a little 2 cool,
2 spend time with anyone,
Who won't treat u like a fool,

So 2night imma close my eyes,
Put my head on the pillow and imagine 2morrow,
The skies will be blue,
And that might be the day,
I'm good enough 4 u,

U won't have any hang ups,
Won't care bout what other people say,
U will realize that all that matters is how it makes u feel inside,

U'll step out of ur comfort zone,
Leaving all this who would hurt u alone,
Take a look at me and decide,
The world wouldn't look so bad,
Standing by my side,

Yeah I'll close my eyes 2night,
Imagine 2morrow the skies will be blue,
U won't see me as "just a friend"
and I'll be good enough 4 u,

U have been with all those others,
I've been lied 2, hurt,cheated and lied,
it happens over and over and over again,
So what have u got 2 lose by giving me a try?

So I'm gonna close my eyes 2night,
Believing that as sure as 2morrows skies will be blue..
U'll swallow ur pride,
Take a little longer look this time,
And I'll be good enough 4 u...

Maybe 2morrow,

I'll be good enough 4 u...

Here With Me

i'm so tired of getting my hopes up,
only 2 be shot down,
i'm not getting any younger,
i'm only getting older,
lonlier and all alone,

all i want is the same everyone wants,
someone who really cares,
someone who will be there for me,
tell me that they love me,
tell me that they want me,
is she out there?

what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...

longing, wishing and waiting,
sux when u have no one 2 talk 2,
baby, i've been looking 4 u daily,
won't u come and save me,
someday soon,

pleading 2 the man in the moon,
praying 2 the one who knows it all,
if she's out there, somewhere would u guide her,
put myself beside her,
make this dream come true,

what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...

here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,

is it my lot,
2 be all alone,
4 the rest of my life,
please let me know,
is it so hard,
2 meet someone genuine,
someone's who's intention,
is 2 never let me go..

what do i have 2 do 2 get her 2 look my way,
2 see all i've got 2 give is,
everything she's ever want and needed,
make her life completed,
here with me...

here with me,
here 2 be here 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is all that it's sposed 2 be,
here with me,
all we need 4 happily ever after,
is for her 2 get close 2 me,
here with me,

here with me,
and here 2 be 4ever,
never leaving ever,
this is how it's supposed 2 be,
we're not getting any younger,
baby don't be scared 2,
bring your self close 2 me,
take my hand in urs,
look in2 my eyes,
and once u kiss me,
u will know that all u wanna be,
is here with me....


here with me,
never leaving ever..
now until 4ever,
here with me..

Just Like Jesus

in a lot of ways.. her love created me,
she smiled at me..made me the man i am,
whenever i am down she keeps her faith in me,
i'm so quick 2 say i can't, but she whispers "yes u can!",

if it came down 2 it, i know she'd die 4 me,
in my heart her soul would rise and live again,
when i do something stupid, she'll 4give me,
if i say "i'm sorry".. if i really mean it,

she's created miracles.. i've seen it...

she loves... just like Jesus,
all she really asks is i believe,
it's unconditional..and it gives me strength,
u can see it glowing all over me,
everyday of the week,
her arms are like the church that i can run 2,
when this world has me falling in2 pieces,
cuz she loves... just like Jesus,

she says i'm her whole world,
she's got me in the palm of her hands,
i'll do anything she asks,
follow all of her commands,

i fall 2 my knees, so in awe of what she does..
and it's because...

she loves... just like Jesus,
all she really asks is i believe,
it's unconditional..and it gives me strength,
u can see it glowing all over me,
everyday of the week,
her arms are like the church that i can run 2,
when this world has me falling in2 pieces,
cuz she loves... just like Jesus,

She's my "be all and end all"

she gives me all things,

most of all.. she gives me love...
and when she loves...
she loves...

just like...

Jesus.

the Love Bug

when a simple "hey"
starts the conversation,
and it lasts the rest of the day,
when it never lags,
cuz there's always something 2 say,

when u can imagine looking in her eyes,
and u can see her looking back ur way,
that's when u know u've been affected..
someone's aiming an arrow that's gonna get u infected..

the love bug..

when the time begins 2 fly,
and the day turns in2 night,
and u know u should go 2 bed,
but u don't wanna say goodbye,

there's that silly lil smile that u wear like a mask,
awaiting each reply, thinking of the next question 2 ask,
that's when u know u've been affected,
someone's aiming an arrow that's gonna get u infected...

the love bug...

when the time spend sleeping is spent dreaming,
of the day when the conversation will turn in2 seeing,
and seeing will turn in2 2 hearts believing,
that this is a chance worth taking...

something truly special in the making...

when a first chance is realized after so many years of not,
when the target's finally acquired and the arrow's being shot,
when the moment of truth is happening and u know it's worth all u got,
u've been affected... when that arrow hits u,
u'll be infected..

once bitten twice shy..
the love bug..