Poison

I haven't reflected or really dwelled on anything from my childhood horror till last night. A dream/memory of a time when I had been locked in a closet for a few days, and only able to eat crumbs and drink stale water(yes, there is a such thing..eww). Johnny opened the closet door and admonished me for the filth, and then gave me a glass of the nastiest lemonade ever. I was SO thirsty that it was gone in an instant. The second I handed him the glass back, he laughed and told Pat "I told you he'd drink it, hahaha!" Pat replied something to the idea that "did u tell him it was poison and he will be dead this time tomorrow?" Johnny laughed and closed the closet door and locked it. I could hear them talking all evening about my "impending demise" and I was so frightened that it was true and I was going to die. I worked myself into such a fever that I was sick and puking all over and I actually felt like I was going to die. I didn't, and a couple more days later when the door was open again, Johnny only said "scared ya, didn't i?" as he and Pat laughed and laughed. 

What they didn't know is that dying would have been a welcomed escape from the house of horrors I was living in. I woke up this morning feeling like I was back in that closet and had to glance around my room and check myself back into reality. For those of you who do not know a horrible terrifying and abusive childhood, I am jealous. For those of you who can relate... Check out "fear" by Blue October. It will help remove some of the poison that the memories leave behind. 

Money

Money

Everybody wants it,

But I ain't got none,

2 go out n get it,

Some'll use a shotgun,

I work hard for it,

But nothing can b saved,

Soon as I get some,

It all blows away,

When can I keep some...

Money.....ayyyy ayyyyy,

Cuz man I really need some,

Money....ayyyy ayyyy,

Damn I really need some,

Money...ayyyy ayyy,

I got a job,

Work all week,

When I get home, I'm,

Dead on my feet,

My woman wants some lovin,

But my energy's depleted,

So she goes 2 bed early,

Feeling defeated,

Mista Bill Collecta's callin,

Wants a quarter more than I earn,

And my car is on empty,

I really need 2 get my hands on some....

Money.....ayyyy ayyyyy,

Cuz man I really need some,

Money....ayyyy ayyyy,

Damn I really need some,

Money...ayyyy ayyy,

Mista Bill Collecta's callin'

Wants a dolla more than I earn,

How I wish, I had just a little bit of cash,

How I wish I had some to burn,

I need some...Money.....ayyyy ayyyyy,

Cuz man I really need some,

Money....ayyyy ayyyy,

Damn I really need some,

Money...ayyyy ayyy,

Money, is the root if all evil,

Brings out the best and worse in all people,

If u have a little U think u're not equal, till somebody robs ur ass,

.. And takes all ur Money...

Mista Bill Collecta,

Don't cha call me no more,

Please Mista Bill Collecta,

Don't cha call me no more,

Chivalry

U ain't gotta worry,

I'm not asking u 2 take off ur clothes,

I just wanna take u out 2 dinner,

And get 2 know u better,

Do u suppose,

That u could spend an evening, 

With no pressure,

Just food, drink & company,

They say chivalry is dead,

But "they" don't know me,

Princesses should have doors opened,

Chairs pulled out,

Jacket over their shoulders,

When they are cold,

Eye contact,

Cell phone off,

Being treated with respect,

Should never get old...

2night u ain't a bad b***h,

U'll be treated like a lady,

Sing u a song,

Tell a couple jokes,

I just wanna see u smile,

Get 2 know u better,

An evening with no pressure,

I'm not tryin to lay u down,

Somebody said "chivalry is dead"

But "somebody" don't know me,

Princesses should have doors opened,

Chairs pulled out,

Jacket over their shoulders,

When they are cold,

Eye contact,

Cell phone off,

Being treated with respect,

Should never get old...

After dinner and a movie,

I'm gonna drive u home,

Walk u 2 ur door,

Maybe kiss u on the cheek,

Ask u if I can call u 2morrow,

Then I'm really gonna call u,

Unless u call me first,

I'm not like these other guys,

I'm not ashamed 2 admit it,

All that's on their minds,

And it's what THESE ladies like,

Is just another "hit it and quit it"

But....

Princesses should have doors opened,

Chairs pulled out,

Jacket over their shoulders,

When they are cold,

Eye contact,

Cell phone off,

Being treated with respect,

Should never get old...

Chivalry ain't dead.... 

Dance With Me

Put ur hand in mine,

Let me lead u 2 the floor,

Feel the music in ways u never did before,

Look in2 my eyes,

See what's in my soul,

Maybe u will find,

Everything u've been looking 4...

I know I speak poetic,

It's just what's on my mind,

I've seen a lot of ladies,

But none were quite as fine,

Girl like u,

Guy like me,

That kinda thing never happens,

We could re-write history...

(Dance With Me)

If I could sing,

I'd sing a song,

That u would want 2 hear,

All night long,

Underneath the moonlight,

Just u and I,

Fallin' in love,

I know it might sound crazy,

U prob'ly hear it all the time,

I never believed in soul mates,

But perhaps u r mine,

Girl like u,

Guy like me,

That kinda thing never happens,

We'd re-write history...

(Dance with Me)

Out on the dance floor,

2 become 1,

Let the music move u,

Tempo slow,

I think we'd be good 2gether,

Wouldn't u like to know?

Let's go... Dance with me....

Put ur hand in mine,

Let me lead u 2 the floor,

Feel the music in ways u never did before,

Look in2 my eyes,

See what's in my soul,

Maybe u will find,

Everything u've been looking 4...

Dance With Me.. 

Hotel Questions

A faded Leather bible in my right hand,

So many questions,

So little time,

A day old coffee cup is in my right hand,

Worn out words on the side say "Jesus Saves"

But does he see?

Does he know?

How difficult it is 2 just sit down,

Cry it out and let it go?

Does he hear me,

When I pray,

Would I recognize his voice,

If he were 2 say... It'll all be okay?

I've shook my fists,

I've clenched my teeth,

I've punched out walls,

I've stomped my feet,

I've shouted up 2 heaven more than I should,

I don't have patience,

2 wait around for answers,

I need 2 know now...

I need 2 know now...

If he sees,

If he knows

If he has the power,

Why doesn't he change the way things go,

Does he hear me,

When I pray?

Would I recognize his voice,

If he were 2 say... 

It'll all be okay?

Sometimes my thoughts get the best of the best of me,

And even I get lost in whatever's left of me,

I've never been a holy man,

I believe what I believe,

So if u're really up there,

Could u help me understand???

Do u see?

Do u know?

How difficult it is 2 just sit down,

Cry it out and let it go?

Do u hear me,

When I pray,

Would I recognize ur voice,

If u were 2 say... It'll all be okay?

..... Day old coffee cup is in my right hand....worn out words on the side,

say "Jesus Saves"... 

Once Upon A Time

October 27th, a day that will remain in my heart as Enchanted. I will get back to that later, first I need to put some background in the present. Let's go back to September 1984. I was a 9 year old and I had the world at my feet. I found out that my parents were going to adopt a little girl. This wasn't just ANY little girl, this was a baby.. We were going to get her the minute she was born. All I could think about was having to share my toys and how the parental attention I got, was going to be gone. Fast Forward to Nov 1984, we arrived in Illinois and we were awaiting the baby's arrival. I listened to the stories about the "mother". I learned that we were saving this little girl from a life of uncertainty. The morning on Nov 14 came, and when she was born, everything changed. I knew that I had a responsibility to her, I knew I had to protect her from everything.. And for 29 years, that's what I tried to do. I was able to protect her from a predator pastor, and some sick sick "family friends" when my parents went to jail, I was even able to help my Uncle protect her when her biological mother tried to take her away from me. I wasn't able to protect her from finding substances that turned her life upside down. I feared for her life on a daily basis. I reminisce today, because yesterday, I saw the one look on her face that I wasn't sure I would ever see.. HAPPINESS. My sister married, who I believe is her soulmate. Every picture taken will show the very meaning of happiness. I have prayed for yesterday's moment for her for as long as she's been alive. I am in awe of her wife and her wife's family. Their acceptance of Amanda and their love for her makes my heart smile. There is someone for everyone, there IS someone who will show you happiness! Amanda found hers online, 3 states away. October 26, 2013, Amanda begins her Happily Ever After! 

Fairy Tales are Real! 

I believe they will be.. HAPPILY EVER AFTER

Cry

I'll b fine,

I'll b all right,

I'll b good when the sun shows it's first light,

2morrow I will fight,

But all I'm gonna do 2night is..

Cry...

I'll b okay,

When the birds sing,

"Wake up, it's a brand new day!"

I'll be cool,

At least I'll try 2,

See an old friend,

Refuse 2 talk about u,

Yeah 2morrow I will fight,

But all I'm gonna do 2night is..

Cry...

Let the tears all fall where they may,

Scream in this room all that I need u 2 hear me say,

I'm gonna let it all go,

I'm gonna let u go,

Oh I'm not gonna let u rain on my parade,

I'm gonna put on my best charade,

2morrow...

But 2night all I'm gonna do is..

Cry..

I'll b fine,

I'll b all right,

I'll b good when the sun shows it's first light,

2morrow I will fight,

But all I'm gonna do 2night is..

Cry...

Mine

She makes the winter warm,

She brings a summer breeze,

She's the light in the dark,

The buckle in my knees,

She makes the leaves change,

The rain pour in April,

And the flowers bloom in May ,

And she's mine,

She's mine...

She turns frowns..upside down,

She's the orbit that my world spins around,

She's my latitude, the reason for my change in mood,

And she's mine,

She's mine, all mine,

Ain't lettin her go,

Anyone who'd like to have get,

The answer is no,

It ain't happening,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

She's mine, all mine,

It's gonna be that way for all time,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

But,

She's mine..

She's the deep blue in the sky,

She's the stars that shine so bright at night,

And she's my lover,

Closer than any other,

She's the petals on a rose,

She's every prickly thorn,

Yet she makes me thankful for the day that I was born,

She is mine...

She's mine, all mine,

Ain't lettin her go,

Anyone who'd like to have get,

The answer is no,

It ain't happening,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

She's mine, all mine,

It's gonna be that way for all time,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

But,

She's mine..

U shoulda met her before I met her,

Cuz now there's just no chance,

When trouble starts,

We turn up the music and dance,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

But,

She's mine, all mine,

Ain't lettin her go,

Anyone who'd like to have get,

The answer is no,

It ain't happening,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

She's mine, all mine,

It's gonna be that way for all time,

Sorry bout your damn luck,

But,

She's mine..

I'm sorry,

So sorry,

I'm sorry bout your damn luck...

But,

She's mine..

Idea

So u wanna leave,

U say it's hard 2 breathe

I think someone is requesting ur company,

U say everyone's told u,

U let everyone mold u,

What I should have, 

And exactly who I should be,

But...

I got an idea,

u stay right here,

Don't let the liars win,

It's always been u and me,

Yeah I got an idea,

Let's say good night dear,

4get about the world,

and come 2 me,

Come 2 me,

This town is a Peyton place,

Everyone contemplates,

Ruining everything good that they see,

But who needs that negative,

We don't, I'm positive,

Don't let them into the place where,

Our love lives,

I got an idea,

u stay right here,

Don't let the liars win,

It's always been u and me,

Yeah I got an idea,

Let's say good night dear,

4get about the world,

and come 2 me,

Come 2 me,

Don't let the he say, she say,

Pull us away,

From all that we've become,

Let them do what they want to,

As long as it ain't gettin in the way of me and u..

I got an idea,

u stay right here,

Don't let the liars win,

It's always been u and me,

Yeah I got an idea,

Let's say good night dear,

4get about the world,

and come 2 me,

Come 2 me,

She'll Get Even

Nowadays women don't get mad,

Anymore,

Scream in ur face,

Throw a vase on the floor,

They let u think when u're Lyon they're believein',

Even tho they know that it ain't true,

They smile and nod and let u think they have faith in u,

And no matter what u did u can bet,

She ain't leavin'

Cuz the first chance that she gets,

She'll get even,

She's gonna getcha where it hurts,

Somewhere in public,

Even church ain't exempt,

She ain't gonna care who's she's with,

Or where she's seen,

Cuz a woman is a very special kind of machine,

In the year 2000 and 14,

She ain't into making a scene,

Cuz she'll get even

Time have changed from being demur,

From doing everything that the man tells her,

She's into doing just what the hell,

She wants to,

And if her man is runnin round every night,

She ain't really the kind to start a fight,

She'll put it in her memory bank for safe keeping,

Till a weekend with her "girls"

Turns into all next week,

With lots of naughty secrets for her 2 keep,

U'll be thinking the worst,

But the details,

She ain't leakin'

What happens with the girls,

Stays with the girls,

But u can bet,

She got even...  

Next time u're out with the guys,

And doin things that require lies,

When u go home and look her in the eyes, 

And she seems to be taking it better than u thought she would, 

Remember she ain't gettin mad,

Cuz

She'll get even 

Scars

There's one on my arm,

That came one night I was too anxious,

Right after they beat me to a pulp, 

A few on my head,

From being bashed into a wall,

Till I thought I was dead,

I carry them 2 remind me,

That the past is far behind me,

I know what I survived,

When I look at these scars,

There's a broken tooth or 2 in my mouth,

From 1 night I got brave and fought back,

A twitch in my eye from a punch that landed well, 

A grown up fear of the dark,

From all those nights I lived in hell,

I carry them 2 remind me,

That the past is far behind me, 

I know what I've survived,

When I look at these scars,

I'm kinda skeptical of people,

Trust was broken long ago,

Fuck anyone who says "get over it"

I try hard 2 not let them show...

I carry them 2 remind me,

That the past is far behind me,

I know what I've survived,

When I look at these scars,

I don't know what u see,

When u look at me,

But my future isn't defined,

By these scars...

Pantyhose On

It's been a tough day,

A real rough day,

A regular Monday, 

U need a release,

U need to be pleased,

Tonight u don't wanna be teased,

So come on home n c what I got 4 u,

A lil freaky some'n some'n that I'm gonna do,

Rose petals guide u down the candlelit hallway, 

On the bed u sit, 

I'm gonna give u the night u've needed all day,

Heels drop, foot massage slowly it goes on,

While u take off all ur clothes,

But leave ur pantyhose on,

Pretty little toes = breathy little moans,

Creates a goosebump playground,

Up ur knee, 2 u thigh, 

Round ur back up ur spine,

Kisses follow touches,

Followed by soft licks,

Chills over come u,

As u feel the warmth from my lips,

The rose petals cover up the mattress,

Where u lay,

No taboos tonight while I play,

Neither will admit,

The pleasure that goes on,

When u take off all ur clothes,

But leave ur pantyhose on,

Legs soft 2 the touch,

Ur sweet 2 the taste,

Not a single inch of ur body,

Will I let go 2 waste....

Neither one of us will tire,

As this erotic night rolls on,

Take off all ur clothes,

But leave ur pantyhose on...

Game Playa

Could've been magical,
Just like a Prom's last dance,
Could've been Beautiful,
If U'd have given it 1/2 a chance,
Could've been something,
Instead of just another waste of time,
If u would've been sincere,
'Stead of playing games,
With this heart of mine..

U couldn't keep ur story straight,
what u told me and what u told him,
u played it well till it all fell apart,
I wonder what u told him,

when u were with me,
did he know where u were,
does he really like 2 share?
or is he like all of the other guys u played with,
who don't really care?

cuz what u threw away could've been the best u ever had,

it....Could've been magical,
Just like a Prom's last dance,
Could've been Beautiful,
If U'd have given it 1/2 a chance,
Could've been something,
Instead of just another waste of time,
If u would've been sincere,
'Stead of playing games,
With this heart of mine..

I won't ever be a playstation,
but I will be your "ex box",
u can re-read all the words of my last post,
if u think about coming back... Kick Rocks...

Could've been magical,
Just like a Prom's last dance,
Could've been Beautiful,
If U'd have given it 1/2 a chance,
Could've been something,
Instead of just another waste of time,
If u would've been sincere,
'Stead of playing games,
With this heart of mine..

Kick Rocks

 I don't break promises,
I'm a man of my word,
I don't say anything that i don't mean,
If I tell u I gotchu,
U can bet that I gotchu,
If I tell u I want u,
Best believe I really do,

... But when it all goes south,
When lies are all that comes out Ur mouth,
Don't be surprised when I just shake it off,
When I turn my back,
It's turned for good,
So before u make that's be make sure Ur ready 2 move,
And if u do... U .. Can .. Kick Rocks...

I will give it all I've got 2 give,
Nobody deserves less than my hundred percent,
But I should get it in return,
Not false promises,
Not getting burned by,
All the things that u knew,
We're untrue,
Untrue,

cuz if it all goes south,
When lies are all that comes out Ur mouth,
Don't be surprised when I just shake it off,
When I turn my back,
It's turned for good,
So before u make that's be make sure Ur ready 2 move,
And if u do... U .. Can .. Kick Rocks...

I won't take u back,
Won't beg u back,
Won't call u back,
Won't make any moved Ur way,
Cuz when u lie,
Then u've lied,
Nothing can take that away,
U lay down with dogs,
U wake up with fleas,
And that ain't happenin 2 me,

when it all goes south,
When lies are all that comes out Ur mouth,
Don't be surprised when I just shake it off,
When I turn my back,
It's turned for good,
So before u make that's be make sure Ur ready 2 move,
And if u do... U .. Can .. Kick Rocks...

I'm not as weak as u made me feel,
I'm looking for something,
Somebody real,
And if u can't handle what a real man can do,
Then there's only 2 words I can say 2 u...

Kick .. Rocks...

A Skirt Unzipped

After work,
Her favorite dinner candlelit,
Long "hot oil" foot massage,
A skirt unzipped,

Music in the background,
The mood is right,
Her bubble bath ran,
Rose petals lead 2 the place,
U're gonna b the rest of the night,

A full body finger tipped trace,
Gentle hair pull reveals an approving face,
Butterflies fluttering as "more" echoes from her lips,
It all began... With an attentive touch &,

A skirt unzipped..

A kiss on the neck,
Tongue travels 2 every zone,
Goose bumps, shivers and "don't stops",
When u reach Ur destination,

Anticipation has built,
There's an eruption pending,
Delivering the pleasure she's longed 4,
The feeling is never ending,

Ur hair is pulled,
Ur name is called,
She stiffens as the emotion calls,
Over and over she feels the rush,
Using words that'd make a sailor blush,
This as she's overcome with bliss,

U smile knowing,
It all started with an attentive man,
And.....

A skirt unzipped....

Afterthought

Afterthought,
That last thought,
Crosses Ur mind,
When nobody else is of'ring time,

When U're lying down,
In Ur bed at night,
Wishin u had a good man 2 hold u tight,
I could b there when u wake up 2 the morning light,

But i am just an afterthought,

Could b the 1 who makes Ur dreams come true,
More than any man,
I really want 2,
Could make Ur smile come out,
Brighten Ur everyday,
But u're too afraid,
2 let me in that space,

I am just an afterthought,

All I've got,
Is this stupid phone,
Messages to re-read,
While I'm spending time alone,
I want 2 be with u,
Till my time on earth is thru,
That dream, that dream would be so good 2 come true,

But I am just ....an......

Afterthought

Notification

This damn clock just won't tick,
What the hell is wrong with it?
The day begins and it drags along,
Seems like forever 'fore an hour's gone,

It's the nervous build up,
The anticipation,
Why does everything come 2 a stand still,

Then my phone goes off,
A vibration that makes the butterflies flutter,
And then another,

A message from u and I smile...

U're my favorite notification...

Then I hit u back,
And time starts again,
The slow mundane waiting,
That gets me every time,

Then my phone goes off,
A vibration that makes the butterflies flutter,
And then another,

A message from u and I smile...

U're my favorite notification...

If there was a way 2 have u here,
Bet the time would run so fast,
We'd barely know what day it was,
But for now, it's just so damn slow,
All I know is waiting has never been my friend,

But THERE IT GOES again,

Then my phone goes off,
A vibration that makes the butterflies flutter,
And then another,

A message from u and I smile...

U're my favorite notification...

Grandma Lou

Grandma,
I wish I could talk 2 u,
Wish u were here,
Wish u had Ur tissue out 2 wipe away Ur baby's tears,
Wish that I could see u,
And u could hug me,
Help me thru these struggles,
Tell me that u love me,
U were the one place I felt the safest,
Cuz u were there for me,
An unconditional basis,
Sometimes when I'm all alone,
I remember when,
U would hold me on Ur lap,
While we were listening,
To old Conway Twitty and Loretta songs,
I can still feel Ur presence every time I turn em on,
I don't know why God needed u more than I did,
But I can still see u every time I close my eyelids,
U woulda protected me from everything I went thru when I was a kid,
U woulda loved my baby sister,
As much as I do,
U woulda kept me away from everyone that ever lied to,
U were the glue that held our family together,
Now everybody got their own families.
We see each other hardly ever,
I think about u every holiday and birthday,
I hope u know that I miss u in the worst way,
Just wanted 2 send a few words up,
2 let ya know that I'm missin u so much,
What I wouldn't give to turn back the hands of time,
Tell God he couldn't have u yet,
Cuz u were mine!
It wasn't Ur time,
There was so much left 4 u to show,
If I could spend that last day with u,
I'd hold on and never let u go,
These tears that are falling from my eyes are falling outta love,
What I wouldn't give if I could just get one more hug,
I miss u..

Pinocchio

I'm not Ur puppet,
I cut the strings,
I'm not Ur yo-yo,
U ain't playing games with me,

There was a time,
I would have been at Ur beck and call,
Now I don't want anything from u at all,
Time to let go, time to move on,
Let me be..

U see me weak,
U keep pushing me down,
I'm at my peak,
U want to be around,
U push then u pull then u feed me Ur bull and I fall,

But this time in standing tall,
U can't have any more of me at all..

I am a real man now,
I'm not Ur Pinocchio..

The Edge of Never

U help me chase away the ghosts and show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,

I was,
Standing on the Edge of Never,
With nothing else 2 see,
But loneliness and pain & sorrow,
Open arms welcoming me,

Had been played like a deck of cards,
Cast away like trash,
Didn't feel like I was worth,
A whole lot more than that,

Then I heard a voice whisper,
Like an echo thru the trees,
Turned around 2 see u standing there,
Looking at me,

Telling me 2 come with u,
And learn 2 smile again,
Said 2 turn around and walk away from edge,
That's when my life began again,

U help me chase away the ghosts and show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,

I would be remiss,
If I didn't say that I've thought about ur kiss,
A thousand times,
If I didn't say how much ur smile warms my heart and mind,

I could go on,
There's so many things 2 say,
Cuz now i'm looking 4ward 2 c,
Where this journey is going 2 lead 2day,

No apprehension,
Afraid of nothing at all,
No waiting 4 the other shoe 2 drop,
Not thinking negative at all,

cuz.. U help me chase away the ghosts,
Show me where the angels hide,
U aren't afraid 2 show the halo u keep deep inside,
With u I have no desire 2 say no,
My heart erupts like a volcano,
At just the thought of us being 2gether,

I just love this butterfly,
Down hill roller coaster feeling,
At the thought..of just being 2gether..

No More Standing on the Edge...of Never...

#FindingNormal

Each day begins anew,
It's nothing like the world that I knew,
Look up and the sky is a little more blue,
Each second is a lil easier 2 get thru,

Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew how strong I was deep inside,
Was always told that I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,

Cuz I'm finally finding normal

Smiles are more prevalent than before,
I tend to laugh a whole lot more,
Excited at what life has in store,
I'm seeing healing where I once saw tore,

Never knew I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now, somebody lied,

Cuz I'm finally finding normal

Even if you don't,
I kinda like me,
I know I'm a good person,
With a lot to offer,
And I just needed to look within myself,
2 find the strength 2 make it by myself,

Never thought I'd make it this far,
Never knew I was so strong deep inside,
Was always told I couldn't do it,
I'm learning now that somebody lied,

Cuz I'm finally finding

Normal

Who Never Lied

Many things can be written
many more will be said
people will come in2 Ur life/just to get into Ur head
but when u think of me
u will remember I
was different from the others cuz I
was the man that never lied...

i was the man that never hurt u
the man who always cared
the man who did things for u
the man who was always there
the man who could always make u smile
the man who never made u cry
the man who looked u in the eye
the man who never lied...
some will let u give
all they can take
some will only be around
to see how hard Ur heart can break
some will use Ur tears against u
some will say hello, then turn around and say goodbye
but when u think of me
I'll be
the man who never lied

the man who didn't make u feel like u were parenting a little boy
the man who's only gave u tears, and those were tears of joy,
the man who handed out kisses and hugs to only u and not all of Ur friends
the man who believes this doesn't have to ever end
the man who knows all too well the difference between real and pretend
the man who's heart is genuine inside
the man who kisses the top of Ur princess wrist and the man..
The man who never lied..

"buried hot showers"

as I journey on thru therapy regarding my C-PTSD there are memories that I found that have been placed in a safe place to keep myself from remembering.  There are things so horrific that happened during the 4 years of terror, that my mind and soul just felt I couldn't handle dealing with.  I'm going to share just a couple of these, that didn't make my autobiography "Nevermind the Ugly 1".

  There was an afternoon, I think it was a Sunday, where Pat & Johnny had beaten me and "used" me over a long period of time, to the point that I had become angry and physically hurt enough to muster up some courage.  I resisted their demand, which set Johnny into an immediate rage.  Johnny had me come outside in the back yard, where there was a blue tarp on the ground, and a box.  I'm going to assume the box was a deep freezer box, or something of that sort.  I was told to get into the box.  I did.  Johnny proceeded to fold the tops of the box into each other to close it. I felt him pushing the box and it slid across the yard. Johnny told me.. "no one gives a shit about you, you little motherfucker and you will do what I say when I say or I can and will make you disappear!" "no one will come looking for you either, because the only 2 people who could give a shit less about you, are in jail!" with that, I felt him push again and there was a drop.  I then saw the dirt hit the top of the box and come in where I was sitting. Several minutes went by as the dirt kept filling the box and I thought I was going to die.  Johnny suddenly stopped and told me to get out.  When I pushed open the top of the box, I saw his intent.  The box was in a hole he dug in the yard and that's what the blue tarp was covering.  I was told that the next time I disobey, I would be in that box forever!...  I never disobeyed again. I was told I would die, and I believed it.

  There was another time, where I was pulled from the hall closet(where I was forced to spend the majority of my time), and thrown into the shower.  Johnny had the water on so hot that it was unbearable to the skin.  Johnny made me stand in the water until I fell.  I then sat in the shower as the scolding water hit my skin for several minutes.  When the water was turned off and I was allowed to get out of the shower, I couldn't walk.  My skin felt like it had been boiled off of the bone.  I could barely breathe and once it was determined that I wasn't going to be of any use to them in that condition, I was forced back into the closet.   To this day, I keep my water lukewarm, and not hot.  I can't stand the Hot water touching me at all. 

That's just 2 of the memories that are flooding back into my mind and as I move forward on this quest for peace, there will be more to deal with and more to remember.  4 years is a lot of time to cover, and i'm afraid that in order to find peace, I must uncover as much as possible to get it out of my system.  

peace...  It's just around the corner

The Way U Lie

Why'd u have to go away,
Why did u have 2 leave,
Was it cuz I'm not a superman like Christopher reeves?
I couldn't see,
All of the things u were doin to me,
Chasing after other men,
All the while talking shit,
Never telling what u did to ruin this relationship,
Other men on the side,
Laughed in my face while I cried,
Didn't give a fuck if I lived or died,
But I stayed anyway cuz I love the way u lied,
How I tried,
To push out the thoughts and realizations,
That u was playin,
To get what u wanted out of the situation,
And when it was fruitful,
U packed Ur shit and walked out,
Ran off with another man,
And to our friends u came out,
Smelling just like a rose,
While u painted me the bad guy,
Lost a lot of people along the way,
Because of Ur lies,
And I vowed to keep my mouth shut,
But I'm the only one who's losing keeping my fucking mouth shut,
What the fuck,
Did I ever do?
Why did I deserve to put up with this all,
From this clever u,
Everyone was a liar to me in this world,
But never u,
Guess my fantasy of a perfect u was never true,
Accused me of things I'd never do,
Just to serve Ur own purpose,
I'm less than worth it,
This whole scenario is worthless,
And I'm out with a vengeance,
This is my final goodbye,
Let that other guy,
Smile aimlessly and love the way u lie..
U lie

My Last Name

U can have the tvs,
U can have the car,
U can have the clothes.
What's left of the cash & credit cards,
U can have the dog,
I'll take all the blame,
U can keep the rings,
Give me back my last name,

U don't deserve to wear it,
U don't deserve to claim.
Anything close to my heart,
That's where u will never be again.
So take all the material,
The things that sparkle and shine,
But I'll take back my last name,
That's the one thing that's all mine,

Maybe my dignity will come back in time,
My heart one day will mend,
If u wanna different identity,
Take it from Ur new man,
U know the one u were seeing,
When u were fooling me,
When u were saying u were still in love,
But just wanted my money,
If he can give u this and that,
And he can make Ur dreams come true,
He can give u everything,
I ain't got nothing more for u,

I am no longer Ur real estate,
U no longer have any ties,
I want my name to mean something,
Other than a life time of lies,
Other than hurt and pain,
Other than what u put me thru,
Once u give it back,
I'll say good bye to u,
Adios & u can make Ur way.
Do whatever u wanna do,
It'll all be okay,

I've got no time for players,
I'm not interested in games,
Not interested in being Ur pawn,
All I want from u now is;

My last name

Better

Another one from my friend Jeanie..



Never let someone who doesn't see your worth blind you from someone who does
....and understand that while most of us want someone who challenges us to be better people,
we also need someone who isn't looking for their own version of "better"
....but helping us find ours.


seriously, I needed to see something like this today.. 

i'm getting inspired to come with some heat for 2013.. till I get the right words formed, tho, I will be featuring Jeanie's material, as well as anyone who wants to contribute..



Madd

First Edition

First Post of 2013 is courtesy of my good friend, Jeanie.   She composed this piece a while back, but just shared it with me tonight, and I thought it deserved to be shared with all of u.


I want to be your favorite book.
I want you to run your fingers and hands over my pages,
memorizing every line.....
and while other people will never take the time to read me,
I want you to never put me on a shelf where I can be forgotten.
I'm a first edition,
first printing,
and a rare find.....
for I am the only one in existence.
And yes,
I belong to you.



hope u all love it as much as I did..  there will be more to come from myself as well as more features as they come my way.

Thanks Jeanie!!!


Madd